Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1159

I saw the family recently. Everybody's angry at me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. He goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'Shut up, Billy. You're gay.'

You might be a redneck if you own a homemade fur coat.

Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, "Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart."

My fam is just a regular family. But all of them have great senses of humor.

Words matter. Especially if you're kicking someone's ass in words with friends.

Child molestation is a touchy subject... Read the papers! Half the country's doing it!

I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.

I had never done a roast, but I really wanted to, because it's so different from standup.

You might be a redneck if you were shooting pool when your kids were born.

I tell ya, comedy is in my blood. I wish it was in my act.

I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When she is in a good mood it turns blue, but when she is in a bad mood there is a red mark across my forehead.

The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there’s a party. "Settle down. It’s not a party. It’s just balloons."

I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, "that poor woman."