Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1159

They flew me out in this plane that was only first class. It was all first class. It was the most psychotic thing I've ever seen in my life. The drinking that went on - it was like Mardi Gras. The nose of the plane started to develop red veins.

I can't wait for the next fad though, and I predict it's going to be Pennsylvania dutch culture, very Amish. It's going to be bonnets and butter churns.

I'm 38 and could very much bare my midriff, but it may make some people nauseous.

I'm a peripheral visionary.

A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.

My father has a high opinion of his opinion.

"Anything is possible if you believe in yourself," said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.

If you hug someone goodbye and their response is "what the hell are you doing?" - you may want to examine you're definition of close friend.

Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe. It required bandaging.

I used to hate these haters, now its just the opposite

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

You might be a redneck if you keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

What a world. It could be so wonderful if it wasn't for certain people.

I saw the family recently. Everybody's angry at me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. He goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'Shut up, Billy. You're gay.'