Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1159
You might be a redneck if your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
Bob Dole revealed he is one of the test subjects for Viagra. He said on Larry King, 'I wish I had bought stock in it.' Only a Republican would think the best part of Viagra is the fact that you could make money off of it.
You might be a redneck if the diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, "There's water in the carburetor." I asked her, "Where's the car?" She said, "In a lake."
I'm also concerned about reincarnation because if I was hexed and came back as myself I'd kill myself.
The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.
There’s nowhere I won’t go. As long as it’s horribly, horribly true and or wrong.
Did you hear about Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina? He mysteriously disappeared last week and nobody knew where he was. Today, Sanford admitted to having an affair in Argentina. I'm like, great, now we're outsourcing mistresses.
I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, "that poor woman."
And you know that family, every few months, for years, from time to time, whatever it is they're doing they would just stop, stop and look at each other and go... what the fuck did they take?
Two million people could die tonight and traffic would still suck in the morning. Stop spitting out the children.
A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.
Well, I think "likability" is an overused word. I don’t watch people 'cause I like them; I watch them because they’re compelling. Sympathetic is a little different. Likable just thins you out. Working to make a character likable is what kills most TV shows.