Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1157
I'm not completely sure we aren't all living in a hallucination now.
I wrote my nightmares out this afternoon so I can get a good night's sleep tonight.
British people would die for their right to drink themselves to death
It don’t take no scientist to tell who gonna have fucked up kids. If the kid calls his grandmomma mommy and his momma Pam, he going to jail.
People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them "are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind".
Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.
When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
If I have an orgasm, I feel that I have to give six weeks of community service to various charities.
I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed'.
I told him I think my wife has V.D. he gave himself a shot of penicillin.
There’s only one joke that I do in England that doesn’t work in the States. It goes: ‘There was no place to eat last night, so I went to a kebab shop and had a doner. Which my body rejected.’ But you don’t get doners in America. They don’t exist.
A survey has shown that the average man has had sex in a car 15 times. Something to keep in mind next time you're looking for a used car.
When I was 14, I saw someone getting their face and wrists slashed with a knife in a pub in Catford. Nobody lifted a finger. That's when I realised that violence wasn't funny. At all.