Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1157
Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
For men there are costumes like "fireman," "policeman" and "vampire." For women there are costumes like "slutty fireman," "slutty policeman" and "slutty vampire."
I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.
It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots.
A new study found that people who are depressed have a greater risk of stroke. Well that should cheer them up.
My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn". Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say "n" as long.
Mick Jagger fucks young girls for a reason. He can. Believe me, plumbers his age would do the same thing if they could. Men are only as loyal as their options.
I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here. I’m 237 years old, I should be collecting social security.
The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.
I was sitting next to a young couple with a baby on the plane and I was making the baby laugh the entire flight. Do you know what babies love? Ethnic jokes.
If you get into a customer service fight with a hooker, even if you're in the right, you're in the wrong.
The acid I did in my twenties alone: I don't want to see the kind of baby this sperm is waiting to create.
My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.