Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1157

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

I saw the family recently. Everybody's angry at me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. He goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'Shut up, Billy. You're gay.'

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.

You might be a redneck if your wife's hairdo attracts bees.

The beautiful thing about older people is their ability to cut the fat off of conversation. When they talk, they don't go on forever and ever. They say what they have to say, and that's it. That was my grand dad. Some of the things he said stunned me, but his words were logical. I'll never forget them.

You're pregnant? Congratulations, the world needs another mindless, semiliterate consumer.

The speed of time is one second per second.

I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.

I tell ya, comedy is in my blood. I wish it was in my act.

I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me."

I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.

I think that people who do enjoy my stand-up comedy and the people who get it and the people who are taken in by it, they see that I'm a guy that has love of the game.