Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1174

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.

This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.

If your stomach blocks your view of your feet, cover it up! The only people who should be wearing belly shirts are people who don't have bellies. Now those little baby spare tires are kinda cute; tractor tires aren't! Especially if they've got hair on them!

Writer’s block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.

This man dresses like an unmade bed.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem.

Congratulations on passing your test! Your HIV positive.

I’m just funnier when I’m drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people all the time.

I don’t think I’d have done comedy if I was born eighty years ago [...] I’d have been a lord. Shooting people that were on my land [...] With a wig, yeah. And some crisps.

You're 18 years old, you're in a 7-11, you don't know shit about shit and PULL UP YOUR PANTS!

Every now and then I'll read a book, I'll be so proud of myself, I'll try and squeeze it into conversation. People will be like, "Hey Jim, how ya do-" "I read a book! Two hundred and fifty pages!" "That's great, what was it about?" "No idea! Took me three years!"