Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1174
I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.
I don't know. Both my parents are dead. So? Wait, I got pictures of their corpses in my wallet. I had them blown up as murals. Here.
"Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family."
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... I like to live on the edge...
Humor is something men have to develop when they don’t have other skills to attract women. It’s a form of plumage that we’ve developed naturally as animals. Women don’t have to do that. You never hear a guy say, “Yeah, the first thing I want in a woman is that she’s gotta be funny.” Women aren’t funny as a rule. It’s just far more rare.
If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
I hated my last boss. He asked, “Why are you two hours late?” I said, “I fell downstairs.” He said, “That doesn’t take two hours.”
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
New York is baffling in the [sense that] it's a city that prides itself on being an absolute shit-hole. It's like — there's nothing good here, people are proud of that, they're happy, "Oh, it's overpriced, and it's overpopulated, and it stinks like piss, and comics! — comics film specials here!" And they all open with a joke about, "Yeah, you spend 8 thousand dollars a month for 9 square feet!" And you go, "Well, why do you fucking live here?" Why do people stay here?.. But unfortunately, this is where comedy works — where people are the most miserable. Like, I'd rather be filming a special on a beach in Costa Rica in a tiki bar right now, but they don't need comedians, they're already smiling, they're already happy — naturally! So that's why I'm doing a special here — cause it's the last fucking place I wanna be.
When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.
My dad told me if I was ever intimidated by anyone, just picture them with their clothes off. He said that's how he dealt with my mom.
I belong to a gym now. Well, let me rephrase that: I don't belong there at all, but I go.