Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1174

Have a good night pals. I mean someone has to.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

I'm best in bed sexually when I'm alone and especially during a quake.

France participates. Does anyone want to be France?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."

My nightmares have coming attractions.

We’re looking for answers in a landfill instead of looking to people who bring the light.

You might be a redneck if you have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.

My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

A cop just pulled me over and told me to stop blaming my childhood.

She was so fat that after she sat on someone's lap we had to look for him in the crack of her ass.

I immediately split the crowd. I thought about coming on every night and shouting, "Gay pride, white power!" just to confuse people.

Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.

It was reported that Guy Ritchie has cast his wife Madonna in a small walk-on role in his new movie, Revolver. Madonna will play the part of the woman who ruins the film.