Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1174
I've gotten to the point I won't even watch the 11 o'clock news. You just walk away from it thinking how bad everything is.
I've had some bad shows where I just sucked, but I've had some assholes, too. Some guy stood up Saturday night and said 'This is the same shit you've been peddling the last five times you've been here.' That's your biggest fear: someone who knows every word you've ever said.
"I can't believe you recently had a baby. How do you do it?"<br /> [pause]<br /> The baby starts to come down...and once that happens you can't-it comes out. Whether you let it or not, the baby comes out. So that's how I did it.
Life can be a bitch so at least try not to fall in love with one.
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
You might be a redneck if you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
When you're in school, and there's a fire alarm you have to line up in a single file line from shortest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?
Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.
President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.
We got to his place and it looked a lot like his personality. Just a bunch of space filler, nothing to really wow you. It looked like he had bought a lot of stuff from IKEA and then decided to refinish it at home. Everything was neat and tidy, but you wouldn't want any of it for yourself.
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
I lost my virginity alone... at least that's what the chick told me.