Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1175
Every now and then I'll read a book, I'll be so proud of myself, I'll try and squeeze it into conversation. People will be like, "Hey Jim, how ya do-" "I read a book! Two hundred and fifty pages!" "That's great, what was it about?" "No idea! Took me three years!"
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".
My shrink is bored and insists that I create and blame my darkness on another family.
I've always liked, someday the lamb will lay by the lion... but it won't get much sleep.
Remember the good old days when "smuggling an underwear bomb" meant walking around with shit in your pants?
Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.
What advice would I give the average homeowner to protect himself against burglars? Well, the first thing is to keep a light on in the house when you go out. It must be at least a sixty-watt bulb; anything less and the burglar will ransack the house, out of contempt for the wattage.
Pine nuts pound for pound are more expensive than most varieties of smoked salmon. There I said it.
Mitt Romney looks like an American President in a Canadian movie.
It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck.
I’ve created an atmosphere where I’m a friend first, boss second. Probably entertainer third.