Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1175

Nothing is more American than stuffing your face with loaded potato skins while drinking loaded mudslides.

You know, I've had Botox. The woman who does it is very good, obviously. Very conservative.

I idolized Superman when I was younger. I thought he and I had a lot in common. He was always going into phonebooths and taking off all his clothes.

"Man went into a bar. He went 'Ouch'. It was an iron bar."

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

Steal my stuff off the internet wherever you can and don’t apologize. Buy the CDs and DVDs from my site and feel free to burn ‘em and share ‘em. Then come to the show.

I lost my virginity alone... at least that's what the chick told me.

Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.

I've always wanted children... not of my own, but for yard work and reaching into tight places to get things I've dropped.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

They have bits sliced off and tied up and sucked out. I want to say to them, ‘You lazy f—ing fat pig. Just go for a run and stop eating burgers. You might fucking die’.

Man, who don't like spaghetti?

The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there’s a party. "Settle down. It’s not a party. It’s just balloons."

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Vegas; one of the few places still encouraging men in their fifties to dress like their in a boy-band from the 80's.