Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1175

Are there glass shards in my anus?

I lived in an apartment, and I had a neighbor. I knew that whenever he knocked on the wall, he wanted me to turn my music down. I'd mess with his head. I'd say, "Go around. I cannot open the wall!"

I have ditched every resentment in my life except that tricky one against myself.

Does anyone ever shudder with the crap that you pulled off and didn't die?

Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check … is wealthy. "Ah, here you go, Shaq. Go buy yourself a bouncing car. Bling, bling!"

A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.

You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.

You might be a redneck if you have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.

I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny.

Cats have a scam going - you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that's the deal.

I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can’t stand how good I look.

I don't like little chip and pin machines. I don't like that they tell you what to do. 'Hand me back to the merchant!' like a bossy toddler.

Nightmares are killing me so I'm going to sleep doing impressions.