Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1173

Don't take death for granted.

Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.

Assassinating someone is another way of saying "I care", just not in the way they'd want you to.

You might be a redneck if your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.

Does anyone ever shudder with the crap that you pulled off and didn't die?

As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and... placing bets...

Sometimes I just want to tell a story regardless of whether it fits what the show is saying. I’ve been in a lot of writing rooms where somebody says an idea and everyone’s dying, like laughing so they’re delirious. It’s like a black hole in a good way, everything starts to fall into it, you know what I mean.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

We’re looking for answers in a landfill instead of looking to people who bring the light.

I don't like little chip and pin machines. I don't like that they tell you what to do. 'Hand me back to the merchant!' like a bossy toddler.

If you start to smell some of the shit, you start smelling all of the shit.

As a comic, you learn to use your voice because you don't have the benefit of visual things.

I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.

But don't you hate it, guys? You're at the beach and there's no place to change into your trunks. So you wrap a towel around yourself, so no-one sees your face.