Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1173
Dentists tell you not to pick your teeth with any sharp metal object. Then you sit in their chair... and the first thing they grab is an iron hook.
You might be a redneck if more than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
Everybody is wondering what Paris Hilton will be doing next, and hell, I'm wondering what she did before.
You know your gut instincts are spot on about a person when you can also detect a water source in the soil beneath them.
The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more.
You might be a redneck if you can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
Pride is the first step in people unraveling and companies unraveling and relationships unraveling.
My old man took me to a freak show. They said, "Get the kid outta here. He's distracting from the show."
We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly.
But the one recurring motif in these [80s] videos that I wish would come back were the bands that could rock so hard, they could change the physical properties of things. They would blow holes through walls or they’d walk up to your crappy Geo and go - SCRIBBLY FLABBIDY DOO - and all of sudden it’s a sleek Lamborgini.
Great marriages are like the Higgs Boson particle, its existence has been theorized, but no one has ever seen one.
Two million people could die tonight and traffic would still suck in the morning. Stop spitting out the children.