Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1187
The only time used underwear is valuable is as evidence during a rape trial.
It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?
People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
You might be a redneck if Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my neighbor: "I still live near you!" The guy sees me go into my apartment, flips the card over, it's just a picture of me holding a rifle.
You might be a redneck if you hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, "Too much information!" and then giggling behind a pillow?
Will Ferrell (George W. Bush): ... I come to you tonight amist a very important election between 2 very qualified candidates, the hot lady [Sarah Palin] and the Tiger Woods guy [Barack Obama] ...
But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.
Or you'll get on your cell phone, which is really smart. "Oh I'm gonna be late!" That's fuckin smart: to drive with one of those fuckin things in your hand. It's bad enough that people are in supermarkets -- "Honey, I love you." FUCK YOU, okay? Shut-up! I'm trying to buy a tomato, okay, got it? I'm even carrying mine, this piece of shit. This is Sprint. [someone cheers] Oh.. FUCK SPRINT. okay? You work for those idiots, I need to talk to you. "Every call is crystal clear." Yeah, right: to yourself! You can hear you!
I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, "Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart."
I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing.
Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.