Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1187
My wife, she can't cook at all. When we go on a picnic, I bring Tums for the ants.
My old man took me to a freak show. They said, "Get the kid outta here. He's distracting from the show."
I'm single. I often think about my future wife and how lax she's been about getting in touch with me.
I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.
And yet, people still turn to Jesus. You will notice though that the kind of people who turn to Jesus tend to be the sort of people who haven't done that well with everybody else.
The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.
When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
I started off as a ballerina. I had to quit ballet after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn’t mine.
It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.
There was another war-related casualty today. The French were injured when they tried to jump on our bandwagon.
If you start to smell some of the shit, you start smelling all of the shit.
If I just sit here every Friday night and spout Bush administration talking points, that's not information or entertainment, it's Fox News!