Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1187
"I recently bought the box set of 'Doctor Who' and watched it back to back, Unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the TV!"
My Gran said to me, “Young men of today just aren’t as polite and charming as they were when I was young”.<br /> I had to explain, “That’s because they aren’t trying to fuck you now.”
I like to be able to connect with people. And that’s how I connect, right away. I like to really talk to somebody. To me, it makes my night more interesting.
They say give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. But teach a man to fish and he’ll get his own show on the Discovery Channel.
Many in the Senate and the Congress care more about their jobs on a watered-down bill over potential mass murders and suicides with guns.
[If this is the answer, what is the question: Up To 18 Months] How long is a Scottish winter?
[If this is the answer, what is the question: Up To 18 Months] What is Stephen Hawking's personal best for the London marathon?
Every morning I hear the alarm, it's like "BEEP BEEP BEEP" For second I'm like, "I could get used to that, just dream I'm in a techno club, or something."
Gotta get rid of these free radicals, but first I need to figure out what they are.
Because it's much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.
I was sort of tricked into marrying. One night I was out with Fang and a girl said, “You better hand on to him.” I thought I had a prize. I didn’t know she meant that after one drink he falls down.
Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?
One day I'd like to beat you at your own game, but your game is badmitton so that will probably never happen.