Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1188

I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.

I'm very in love, but I'm not going to jump up and down on your couch. I'm sorry.

Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.

My friend said to me, "You're unreal - you'd fuck anything with a pulse!" A pulse? I'm not that fussy!

The only time used underwear is valuable is as evidence during a rape trial.

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

Being the executive producer of a film is not that difficult. It just means that you have some power. There's not a huge amount of skill involved, I don't know how much I'm giving away here. I feel like that guy on Fox, giving away the magicians' tricks. It's not rocket science, being an executive producer of a film.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'

Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

You might be a redneck if you pick your teeth from a catalog.

I feel like I was born and bred to stay self-motivated. I'm not one of those people who ho-hums and feels sorry for himself when something's bad.

I can't be in two places at one time unless I'm alone.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.