Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1188
All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on the front lawn.
The average man thinks about sex every... What were we talking about?
We all feel like idiots at one time or another. Even if we feel we're cool 98 percent of the time, that 2-percent doofus is poised to take over our bodies without any warning.
[In the Pharmacy] The guy turns to me -- I was in the aisle -- and he goes, 'Hey, you think I should go for the two-ply or the regular?' I was like, 'Man, if you're even thinking two-ply, maybe you shouldn't fuck her.'
Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.'
Or you'll get on your cell phone, which is really smart. "Oh I'm gonna be late!" That's fuckin smart: to drive with one of those fuckin things in your hand. It's bad enough that people are in supermarkets -- "Honey, I love you." FUCK YOU, okay? Shut-up! I'm trying to buy a tomato, okay, got it? I'm even carrying mine, this piece of shit. This is Sprint. [someone cheers] Oh.. FUCK SPRINT. okay? You work for those idiots, I need to talk to you. "Every call is crystal clear." Yeah, right: to yourself! You can hear you!
Seems the first person to call someone a whore is usually another whore.
There seems to be an extremely low probability that when I meet someone who has been described to me as “brassy” that I will like this person, even a little bit.
You might be a redneck if you can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark.
You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.
There’s nothing that beats proving you’re funny by making a funny thing, and right now there are huge outlets for that, with You Tube and all the other stuff online.
C is for cookie, it's good enough for me; oh cookie cookie cookie starts with C.