Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1188

He's so small, he's a waste of skin.

I'm an American so its kind of hard for me to talk about 9/11. So whenever someone brings it up in a conversation, I say "I didn't like 9/11."

Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.

I started off as a ballerina. I had to quit ballet after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn’t mine.

Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attrat men? Men don’t like flowers. I wear a scent called “new-car interior.”

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.

HD doesn't mean anything to me. It's a technical thing. It's like demographics. A lot of people know about it.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

If you start to smell some of the shit, you start smelling all of the shit.

The biggest thing I've learned is to listen to my own gut. I have learned to trust my instincts.

I call it ‘new forms’. When you’re starting out, they ask you to do four or five minute sets, but once you’re a headliner, you do like 90 minutes. I try to think of different things to divvy up the show, like doing drawings, playing music… I gotta carry the show, that’s the problem.

The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.

Without arts programmes there's only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.

If your stomach blocks your view of your feet, cover it up! The only people who should be wearing belly shirts are people who don't have bellies. Now those little baby spare tires are kinda cute; tractor tires aren't! Especially if they've got hair on them!