Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1188
You might be a redneck if Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?
Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.
How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, "Too much information!" and then giggling behind a pillow?
I was home educated but would skip my lessons to go hang out at school.
Or you'll get on your cell phone, which is really smart. "Oh I'm gonna be late!" That's fuckin smart: to drive with one of those fuckin things in your hand. It's bad enough that people are in supermarkets -- "Honey, I love you." FUCK YOU, okay? Shut-up! I'm trying to buy a tomato, okay, got it? I'm even carrying mine, this piece of shit. This is Sprint. [someone cheers] Oh.. FUCK SPRINT. okay? You work for those idiots, I need to talk to you. "Every call is crystal clear." Yeah, right: to yourself! You can hear you!
I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, "Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart."
I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing.
Whenever I walk people try and hand me a flyer. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it’s kinda like they’re saying, “Here, you throw this away.”
You're pregnant? Congratulations, the world needs another mindless, semiliterate consumer.
I'm shooting a pilot based on my show. It's a one-camera show. I play myself.
Beer must be made by food companies. It makes you wander the streets at 3 am looking for things to eat. "What's that, is it moving, get it!! It's a nun! FRY HER!! FRY HER!"