Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1186

I've got it all in here ultra violets, flying saucers, strawberry bootlace come on get involved..

Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.

I was thinking how strange it is that water is one of the best, simplest things on this planet, and still with a simple glass of water you can neutralize so many of the greatest technological advances that we provide. Like with my blackberry, I can get in touch with so many people, but if I dip it in a small glass of water I’m completely disconnected.

I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water.

Artistic idols of mine who died got an average mention of 22 seconds on the local news. Bottom-line fame-seekers, sleep with news anchors.

You might be a redneck if motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

My uncle put his finger in my no-no!

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.

The average man thinks about sex every... What were we talking about?

You might be a redneck if you've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.

Shut up... let me tell you, let me. Every time I look at your face or even remember it, it wrecks me. And the way you are with me and you’re just fun and you shit all over me and you make fun of me and you're real. I don't have enough time in any day to think about you enough... I don't even think about women anymore. I think about you.

I really don't require a whole lot in life.

My wife, she can't cook at all. When we go on a picnic, I bring Tums for the ants.