Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1186
High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.
America doesn't exist; it's just dirt that has fucking lines drawn around it. Old guys put lines on it at one point. It's all fucking dirt.
How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?
The CMT folks, there was a genuine enthusiasm that I've never had in television before on the executive side.
I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.
You know, your whole life you're concerned about money for this and that. And then you don't have to worry about it, so you worry about other stuff.
Silly things make you laugh and if they do, fuck it. I was on a train and we went through a place called Didcot Ladygrove. I was laughing already, but my friend topped it by going, “I’ll bet that’s what the Queen calls her vagina.”
[On the Catholic Church's sex scandals] And y'know, they're God's representatives, so that means... God fucks little boys.
I have my website, The Ruckus, which is an Internet site, similar to the Funny or Die format, where people post funny videos. I get a chance to rate their videos; they get a chance to blog and kick it with me.
Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.
It looks like Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are 'taking a break.' Their engagement is off, and Heidi is going back to Colorado. This is really sad for Heidi and for all the Hills fans and for the entire state of Colorado.
I’m just funnier when I’m drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.
We're born alone and we die alone. So in between, let's spend time with people that make us feel good... or at least put-out.