Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1186
You might be a redneck if someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, "Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?"
The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.
If you think the French Riviera is foreign car, you might be a redneck.
You might be a redneck if you participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
You might be a redneck if you own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
When you bump into your own mom at an orgy, it's hard not to get her to read into certain things.
My wife is like, You finally get your own TV show, you can have any kind of car you want and you get a darned truck. But my brother and I have the same kind of truck now.
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
You rarely get a convincing lecture on "playing to your strength" from a bald guy with a ponytail.
So I was watching this one show where - there's a guy on stage and he pretends he has contact with the dead and spirits talk to him...[Some people in the audience give suggestions, one of which is Crossing Over.] Crossing–...no, no, no, no, no, it was, uh, church. It was church.