Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1202

President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

That's the authentic punk dance. It's like a child dizzy on lemonade.

Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.

Republicans are having trouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie.

Today I followed my instincts and never got out of bed.

People only have so much attention.

My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens.

You might be a redneck if you pick your teeth from a catalog.

Americans continue to rapidly homogenize ourselves into a neutered oblivion. For a country founded on the protection of the unique, we relish our sameness.

You're gay, you sell books... you probably shag the books.

I don't see teenagers anymore. I see... I see youths. Slumped S shapes in their hoodies, all huddled round a bin of burning grannies. All texting eachother because they've given up on speech.

My uncles were all funny. My dad wasn’t funny, but my uncles were all funny. Now I go back and I like him better than them, they were manipulative funny.

Did a gig the other night that made one of my jokes feel like Jesus because it died as a result of their sins, not mine.

Isn't Bush the worst president ever? I mean, when his term is over, he has to walk back to Texas.