Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1202
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
When you're a father you censor yourself. You get just as angry with a child but you don't want to say, "What the filth and foul and I'll filth and foul, filth and foul and, yeah, ya filth and foul face, and I'll filth and foul, foul, filth!" You don't want to say that to a child so you censor yourself and you sound like an idiot: "What the... Get your... I'll put a... Get out of my face!"
Republicans are having trouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie.
It’s hard to be happy for someone when you know deep down they’d kill you if they had the chance.
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.
If you suspect your baby may be a problem drinker, please call my cell phone because he sounds fun to hang out with.
The beautiful thing about older people is their ability to cut the fat off of conversation. When they talk, they don't go on forever and ever. They say what they have to say, and that's it. That was my grand dad. Some of the things he said stunned me, but his words were logical. I'll never forget them.