Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1201

It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.

I was thinking about The Boss, The King. It's sort of sad - the next legend, what are they gonna do? 'Ladies and gentlemen, Veal Cutlet!'

It looks like Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are 'taking a break.' Their engagement is off, and Heidi is going back to Colorado. This is really sad for Heidi and for all the Hills fans and for the entire state of Colorado.

Gas prices - it is $6 a gallon here. People in L.A. are furious. You can’t tell, of course, because of the Botox.

We got to his place and it looked a lot like his personality. Just a bunch of space filler, nothing to really wow you. It looked like he had bought a lot of stuff from IKEA and then decided to refinish it at home. Everything was neat and tidy, but you wouldn't want any of it for yourself.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

Science teachers and the mentally ill, that’s all Jazz is for.

A metaphor is like a simile.

You might be a redneck if you've ever used lard in bed.

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

It’s hard to be happy for someone when you know deep down they’d kill you if they had the chance.

I was home educated but would skip my lessons to go hang out at school.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing.

Saw a lost dog sign with a pic of the dog and a little boy hugging it. I'm assuming the kids safe and we're just focusing on the pooch.