Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1201

His motto is "Love thy neighbour". His neighbour is an 18 year old hooker.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

She was so ugly that she looks like she came second in a hatchet fight.

I get intimacy booster shots once a week at my doctor.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.

A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said 'Wish you were here.'

So then there was the Greek, Socrates, he was great... He invented questioning. Before Socrates, no questioning. Everyone sort of went, "Yeah, I suppose so."

To wish upon a star, but from a safe enough distance to avoid being incinerated.

The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about.

I just don't feel like you're right for me... sorry, just talking to myself.

I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.