Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1201
I said to a guy, “Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful?” And the guy said, “Well, it intensifies your personality.” And I said, “Yes, but what if you’re an asshole?”
Did a gig the other night that made one of my jokes feel like Jesus because it died as a result of their sins, not mine.
I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said "No."
Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attrat men? Men don’t like flowers. I wear a scent called “new-car interior.”
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!
You might be a redneck if you gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
My grandmother takes care of herself. She started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today. We don’t know where the hell she is.
My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
You might be a redneck if you think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.
So then there was the Greek, Socrates, he was great... He invented questioning. Before Socrates, no questioning. Everyone sort of went, "Yeah, I suppose so."