Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1201

I find that when people laugh it's usually because they're connecting and identifying in a way that they hadn't considered. That's my payoff. I'm not interested in other people thinking differently. I don't care. I'm just like yeast - I eat sugar and I shit alcohol. And there's a huge culture that goes with that. Alcohol creates massive shifts in world history, and it changes people's lives. People get pregnant because of alcohol. But the yeast doesn't give a fuck. The yeast isn't going, "I really want to help people loosen up and bring passion into Irish people's lives".

He's so small, he's a waste of skin.

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

Have a good night pals. I mean someone has to.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

How to be a bouncer: be an asshole; stand near a door.

I call it ‘new forms’. When you’re starting out, they ask you to do four or five minute sets, but once you’re a headliner, you do like 90 minutes. I try to think of different things to divvy up the show, like doing drawings, playing music… I gotta carry the show, that’s the problem.

The idea of having Australians upset at me is just awful.

I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.

I've gained no wisdom, no insight, no mellowing. I would make all the same mistakes again, today.

I’m no good in the morning unless I’ve had that first, hot piping pot of coffee… Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.