Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1203

It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and... placing bets...

I think sometimes that people think brave means not being afraid, which of course it doesn't mean that at all. It means that you're afraid, but you move past that and do it anyway, do what you think is right.

You might be a redneck if you gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."

You might be a redneck if you own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

I love Cleveland. The weather just terrible there - too cold. All we want to know in Cleveland is where the hell’s all that global warming we’ve been hearing so much about. That’s all they ever do in the winter, stand outside with an aerosol can. >ssst<br />

The idea of having Australians upset at me is just awful.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

And then we get here and five minutes after we arrive, the skies open up. It's completely nice and there was a rainbow above the thing we were shooting. So, I don't know, if God didn't want us to shoot, he sure fucked up today.

My grandmother takes care of herself. She started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today. We don’t know where the hell she is.

When I was growing up, my mom would have a toast at the beginning of a reunion: 'You're killing your father.'

You might be a redneck if an expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.

You might be a redneck if your dad's cell number has nothing to do with a telephone.

My nan used to look after me in the summer holidays and she had a cat with one eye. It used to walk into walls and tables. I used to think it was hilarious. It was a slapstick cat.