Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1203

I like the way you don't like me, but still let me have sex with you because you don't like yourself.

I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.

I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

I get paid very well for an amazing, amazing life. I'm blessed.

Republicans are having trouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie.

We all feel like idiots at one time or another. Even if we feel we're cool 98 percent of the time, that 2-percent doofus is poised to take over our bodies without any warning.

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

When I take my kids out for dinner or lunch, people smile at us.

I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.

They have the slowest bartender in town. If you ever wanna quit drinkin, ask him for a beer.

People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four anywhere.