Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1203

I’ll defend child pornography, how about that? What’s wrong with seeing some child pornography? What if you watch child pornography because you find it hilarious? Then should it not a protected freedom of speech?

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

You might be a redneck if you have a rag for a gas cap on a car that does run.

Fruit... it's just God showing off. "Look at all the colours I know!"

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

I think sometimes that people think brave means not being afraid, which of course it doesn't mean that at all. It means that you're afraid, but you move past that and do it anyway, do what you think is right.

After you do standup for for, like, five years, you're kind of screwed because you have no other skills. You can't get other jobs. It's like being in prison: you're not suitable for any other career.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"

The biggest thing I've learned is to listen to my own gut. I have learned to trust my instincts.

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.

I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.

You might be a redneck if taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

You might be a redneck if you have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

I’m no good in the morning unless I’ve had that first, hot piping pot of coffee… Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.