Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1205
A very painful part of being a parent is having really negative feelings about your children when you love them so much.
Originally we were going to title it The Daily Show With Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays Off, but it was too long.
You might be a redneck if there are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.
The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."
I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.
You know you've been listening to too much hip hop when you're response to a red light is "can't stop, won't stop son!".
Saying someone is religious is heard in most of America as a compliment, a reassuring affirmation that someone will be moral, ethical, and after a few glasses of wine, a freak in the bedroom.
He has no idea what it was like to grow up in the South, where you had to hold your head down.
I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.
I don't see teenagers anymore. I see... I see youths. Slumped S shapes in their hoodies, all huddled round a bin of burning grannies. All texting eachother because they've given up on speech.
My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.