Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1205

I get paid very well for an amazing, amazing life. I'm blessed.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

You might be a redneck if you've ever used lard in bed.

It’s hard to be happy for someone when you know deep down they’d kill you if they had the chance.

The status quo sucks.

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

People on TV suck. If you ever meet somebody from TV, I want you to punch them right in the face. It'll probably get you on TV.

You can't cancel my stand-up tours. It's impossible. There's too many separate bosses. There is no 'bosses.'

Saying someone is religious is heard in most of America as a compliment, a reassuring affirmation that someone will be moral, ethical, and after a few glasses of wine, a freak in the bedroom.

The only road to good shows is bad ones. Just go start having a bad time, and if you don't give up, you will get better.

I don't tell people I'm white anymore - I'm albino-Cambodian.

Fruit... it's just God showing off. "Look at all the colours I know!"

Don't worry, I know almost exactly what I'm doing.

I said to a guy, “Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful?” And the guy said, “Well, it intensifies your personality.” And I said, “Yes, but what if you’re an asshole?”

Men and women we look at movie so differently. Men look at how much money is spent. Women look at how much money is saved. If it just cost $300 and if I get it for $150 what have I done ladies? Saved $150. Of course. My husband thinks I’ve spent $150. What’s it like in there?