Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1205

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

People only have so much attention.

If we are going to amend the constitution, shouldn't it be to keep the omos-hay from arrying-may?

Horoscopes, like bad sitcoms, are created for people that I don't relate to.

I thrive on imperfection.

There’s nothing that beats proving you’re funny by making a funny thing, and right now there are huge outlets for that, with You Tube and all the other stuff online.

I don't tell people I'm white anymore - I'm albino-Cambodian.

Did a gig the other night that made one of my jokes feel like Jesus because it died as a result of their sins, not mine.

Someone's killed 100,000 people. We're almost going, "Well done! You killed 100,000 people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym. Your diary must look odd: 'Get up in the morning, death, death, death, death, death, death, death – lunch – death, death, death – afternoon tea – death, death, death – quick shower …' "

One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

After you do standup for for, like, five years, you're kind of screwed because you have no other skills. You can't get other jobs. It's like being in prison: you're not suitable for any other career.

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."

The biggest thing I've learned is to listen to my own gut. I have learned to trust my instincts.