Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1206
I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat. Unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead.
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"
I went to Graceland. Go if you never been. Nothing like being ripped off by a dead hillbilly.
Have you see the deer heads on the walls of bars? They have the silly party hats on. Sunglasses, streamers around their necks. Those are the ones I really feel sorry for, because obviously they were at a party having a good time…
I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.
"My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times."
So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.
'I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold. 'He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'
I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.
I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we’re taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.
I wish I could be attracted to unattractive women. They're just more interesting.
I don't believe in Jesus or God. But I do believe that fundamentalists in religion or anything else are bad, and that they have more hate than love. Jesus' words have become so perverted over time – it's been like a game of telephone. If he existed, Jesus would fuckin' kill himself.
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?