Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1206
My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
So then there was the Greek, Socrates, he was great... He invented questioning. Before Socrates, no questioning. Everyone sort of went, "Yeah, I suppose so."
To wish upon a star, but from a safe enough distance to avoid being incinerated.
Many in the Senate and the Congress care more about their jobs on a watered-down bill over potential mass murders and suicides with guns.
When you're a father in a marriage, you sort of become the mother's assistant. And you sort of get a list from her every day and you run down the list and it feels very much like a chore.
Gotta get rid of these free radicals, but first I need to figure out what they are.
Vengeance, is good. You give it, you get it. It's all part of what makes us human. So thank god for vengeance. Otherwise, the human race might as well just roll over and let another species for a while. I think it will be the cats. Watch 'em. They're cooking up something.
I do not need help destroying my relationship. I was raised by my father. I've completed a thirty-year seminar on the power of destroying relationships.
[In the Pharmacy] The guy turns to me -- I was in the aisle -- and he goes, 'Hey, you think I should go for the two-ply or the regular?' I was like, 'Man, if you're even thinking two-ply, maybe you shouldn't fuck her.'
You might be a redneck if your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
Americans continue to rapidly homogenize ourselves into a neutered oblivion. For a country founded on the protection of the unique, we relish our sameness.
He has no idea what it was like to grow up in the South, where you had to hold your head down.