Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1206

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.

You might be a redneck if you smoked during your wedding.

You realize what level of misery you have to be experiencing to see my 10-speed tied to a pole and then just be like, 'Look at this rich bastard right here!'

...and there aint a goddamn thing anybody can do about it, you know why? Because we've got the bombs! That's why, yeah! Two words: NUCLEAR FUCKIN' WEAPONS! OK?!

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

That son of mine, when they made him they broke the mold. Then they set it on fire to be sure.

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television.

Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.

If we are going to amend the constitution, shouldn't it be to keep the omos-hay from arrying-may?

And you know that family, every few months, for years, from time to time, whatever it is they're doing they would just stop, stop and look at each other and go... what the fuck did they take?

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Someone's killed 100,000 people. We're almost going, "Well done! You killed 100,000 people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym. Your diary must look odd: 'Get up in the morning, death, death, death, death, death, death, death – lunch – death, death, death – afternoon tea – death, death, death – quick shower …' "

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

She was so fat that she wears a 'cross your thighs' bra.