Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1206

My dad's full of encouragement and support. It just feels like abandonment and neglect.

In a crisis, my family puts aside all its petty differences and hatreds... Because a crisis, is a perfect opportunity to create new petty differences and hatreds! My dad's from that era when you lived to 50, your heart exploded and that was that. You know when you cook bacon and you pour the grease into the can? My dad's the can!

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'

A very painful part of being a parent is having really negative feelings about your children when you love them so much.

I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

You might be a redneck if your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mud flaps.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

I don't believe in Jesus or God. But I do believe that fundamentalists in religion or anything else are bad, and that they have more hate than love. Jesus' words have become so perverted over time – it's been like a game of telephone. If he existed, Jesus would fuckin' kill himself.

Originally we were going to title it The Daily Show With Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays Off, but it was too long.

I never give advice - I give warnings to live by.

Vengeance, is good. You give it, you get it. It's all part of what makes us human. So thank god for vengeance. Otherwise, the human race might as well just roll over and let another species for a while. I think it will be the cats. Watch 'em. They're cooking up something.

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

You might be a redneck if any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.

I thrive on imperfection.