Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1204
I just started a fire in a crowded movie theater. Nobody said shit.
Is it a bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend makes you say things like, "Satan is a myth... I guess".
Now, I meant to talk about something else earlier on, and I've forgotten what it was. I've remembered what it is again, but I've also forgotten. And that's really what adult life is like most of the time.
Where is the good will in the thought, "I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?"
You might be a redneck if Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.
You might be a redneck if you think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.
To wish upon a star, but from a safe enough distance to avoid being incinerated.
I just don't feel like you're right for me... sorry, just talking to myself.
And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'
It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bastard!"
That's the authentic punk dance. It's like a child dizzy on lemonade.