Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1204
I’m no good in the morning unless I’ve had that first, hot piping pot of coffee… Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.
You might be a redneck if your dad's cell number has nothing to do with a telephone.
You realize what level of misery you have to be experiencing to see my 10-speed tied to a pole and then just be like, 'Look at this rich bastard right here!'
In a crisis, my family puts aside all its petty differences and hatreds... Because a crisis, is a perfect opportunity to create new petty differences and hatreds! My dad's from that era when you lived to 50, your heart exploded and that was that. You know when you cook bacon and you pour the grease into the can? My dad's the can!
I like the way you don't like me, but still let me have sex with you because you don't like yourself.
I was thinking about The Boss, The King. It's sort of sad - the next legend, what are they gonna do? 'Ladies and gentlemen, Veal Cutlet!'
"My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times."
A very painful part of being a parent is having really negative feelings about your children when you love them so much.
Originally we were going to title it The Daily Show With Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays Off, but it was too long.
You might be a redneck if there are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.
You'll find as you go through life that great depth and smoldering sensuality don't always win.
The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."