Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1204

My nan used to look after me in the summer holidays and she had a cat with one eye. It used to walk into walls and tables. I used to think it was hilarious. It was a slapstick cat.

Gas prices - it is $6 a gallon here. People in L.A. are furious. You can’t tell, of course, because of the Botox.

I was going to get an abortion the other day. I totally wanted an abortion. And it turns out I was just thirsty.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

Science teachers and the mentally ill, that’s all Jazz is for.

I don't believe in Jesus or God. But I do believe that fundamentalists in religion or anything else are bad, and that they have more hate than love. Jesus' words have become so perverted over time – it's been like a game of telephone. If he existed, Jesus would fuckin' kill himself.

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

It’s hard to be happy for someone when you know deep down they’d kill you if they had the chance.

Look, there is nothing you can say about this show that I don't already know.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing.

Sex sells, but doesn't work so well as a strong-arm tactic. "Give me your purse or I'll make out with you so hard".

I had amnesia once or twice.

There seems to be an extremely low probability that when I meet someone who has been described to me as “brassy” that I will like this person, even a little bit.

She used to be a teacher but she has no class now.