Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1207

"You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither."

A very painful part of being a parent is having really negative feelings about your children when you love them so much.

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

I don't believe in Jesus or God. But I do believe that fundamentalists in religion or anything else are bad, and that they have more hate than love. Jesus' words have become so perverted over time – it's been like a game of telephone. If he existed, Jesus would fuckin' kill himself.

I never give advice - I give warnings to live by.

Death’s vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

I thrive on imperfection.

I'm not a racist. It's really case by case; it's not ethnicity specific. It's just the way I react to things that are different. I think that's normal. Everyone's nervous when they're confronted with things that they don't understand or are different. That's a normal human reaction. It doesn't become racist 'til you say things like, 'Oh, there's a lot of them.'

The only road to good shows is bad ones. Just go start having a bad time, and if you don't give up, you will get better.

Max: What's a period? George: It's a bullet we dodge, go get ready.

There are few places more lonely than a crowded night club.

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue and I couldn't put it down.

Few things are more negative than thinking positive for no reason.