Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1207
I think we need to change that old saying, "I don't need a building to fall on me." Because two did and we still don't get it. I think we all stick our head in the sand as a deep human impulse.
When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.
A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
My grandmother takes care of herself. She started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today. We don’t know where the hell she is.
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If we (Lauren and Jim) ever get married, we're just going to put helmets on, run into each other from a hundred yards, and smash together like rams
You might be a redneck if your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mud flaps.
Originally we were going to title it The Daily Show With Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays Off, but it was too long.
You might be a redneck if there are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.
The best thing about bugs is their lack of self consciousness, also the ability to fly doesn't hurt.
The most dangerous drink is gin. You have to be really, really careful with that. And you also have to be 45, female and sitting on the stairs. Because gin isn't really a drink, it's more a mascara thinner. "Nobody likes my shoes!" "I made... I made fifty... fucking vol-au-vents, and not one of you... not one of you... said 'Thank you.'" And my favourite: "Everybody, shut up. Shut up! This song is all about me."