Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1207

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

She was so fat that she wears a 'cross your thighs' bra.

I don’t have a kid. I think that I would be a good father… especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

You might be a redneck if you can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

A very painful part of being a parent is having really negative feelings about your children when you love them so much.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

Many in the Senate and the Congress care more about their jobs on a watered-down bill over potential mass murders and suicides with guns.

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I do feel a lot of times like I'm out of my league with my kids in terms of what my responsibility is.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

It became sort of a snowball effect, with guys trying to deal in their own way with 9/11, whether it was drinking or whatever,

Why do I have to feed the kids? They just ate twelve hours ago!

The biggest plus of marriage is finally realizing that we are alone.

Vengeance, is good. You give it, you get it. It's all part of what makes us human. So thank god for vengeance. Otherwise, the human race might as well just roll over and let another species for a while. I think it will be the cats. Watch 'em. They're cooking up something.