Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1207
If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.
A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.
I'm not a very serious Jew. I don't wear the protective religious headgear. They only wear that because 40% of all religious thoughts escape through the head.
I think we need to change that old saying, "I don't need a building to fall on me." Because two did and we still don't get it. I think we all stick our head in the sand as a deep human impulse.
And yet, people still turn to Jesus. You will notice though that the kind of people who turn to Jesus tend to be the sort of people who haven't done that well with everybody else.
Max: What's a period? George: It's a bullet we dodge, go get ready.
I think the idea of fucking someone who just watched you perform is... it's just not me.
Of course, I couldn't tell the kids at school I was a transvestite. They's kill me with sticks. "Why are we killing him with sticks?" "I don't know... he said a word we didn't understand... and he won at Scrabble with it..."
Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attrat men? Men don’t like flowers. I wear a scent called “new-car interior.”
Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check … is wealthy. "Ah, here you go, Shaq. Go buy yourself a bouncing car. Bling, bling!"
When I was a kid, I never got any girls either. One girl told me to come over, there was nobody home. I went over, there was nobody home.
Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.