Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1230
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the Devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day.
Skeet shooting is probably more satisfying if you really hate skeets.
Wrote my own communications software in LISP. Got a phone bill for a thousand dollars. My computer keeps calling itself.
Celebrated father's day by congratulating myself for not having a kid.
I got access to a private tour of the zoo. I got to go in a cage with a koala, which I highly recommend.
I’m always looking for something new to say. That’s the problem with doing it for this long, thinking of what haven’t I beaten to death that I care about? You try to break yourself out of your comfort zone, because comfort is deadly for a comedian. There’s a reason why jokes start with “Don’t you hate it when…?” and not “Do you know what’s really great?”
According to a new study, our email is not as safe as we thought. How do they know this? They’ve been reading my email.
"[To a member of the audience] You look like my friend Debbie. That's really weird … do you get that a lot? [Pause] It's sad, though, 'cause you know, we're not really friends anymore. But, uh, it's not your fault. Seriously, it was 'cause she's, um … not born again Christian … oh! pathological liar."
Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape.
A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!'
I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.
The world treats beautiful people like they're good at something, which makes it so that they almost never get good at something.
My dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!