Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1230
I can't relax here. These people have no pubic hair anywhere. We have pubic hair on the ceiling.
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"
When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.
Skeet shooting is probably more satisfying if you really hate skeets.
Sometimes I like to go outside without even checking the weather first.
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!
Pies were invented 12,000 years ago by the Egyptians. It was an easy way to preserve food that would be carried over long distances. They were like ancient Slim Jims.
You might be a redneck if someone tells you you have something in your teeth, and you take them out to see what it is.
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
A travel agent told I could spend seven nights in Hawaii… no days, just nights.
Anticipation almost always exceeds the reality of that which we anticipated.
I can always tell when a girl comes from a good family because she's what's known as "not at all attracted to me".
You might be a redneck if you consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.