Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1230

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

I'm a vegetarian, well I'm not hardcore because I eat meat, but only because I like the taste, and I hate vegetables on a personal level so I'm not too good!

I was a poster child... for birth control!

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

It don’t take no scientist to tell who gonna have fucked up kids. If the kid calls his grandmomma mommy and his momma Pam, he going to jail.

The Internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club owners deciding if they are funny or not.

People increase their use of the term 'sir' when their angry. Little do they know, it only causes me to feel more like I'm wearing a top hat.

You might be a redneck if someone tells you you have something in your teeth, and you take them out to see what it is.

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

I think you have a lot to offer... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor.

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole."

Domestic abuse is wrong, but domestic retribution is okay.