Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1231

And my sex life is nothing to crow about. At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

I went to my doctor and told him, "Hey, Doc! I just took an entire bottle of sleeping pills. What should I do?" He said, "Go home, have a couple of drinks, and get some rest!!"

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

You might be a redneck if you consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

If I ever move in with a woman, she'll have to be really comfortable with unhappiness.

Saying, "have a great work-out" is like saying, "I hope you pull something".

The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.

I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu. So I went, and I got it.'

One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.

I would like to go fishing and catch a fishstick. That would be convenient.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck. An arrow killed you, they would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way."

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.