Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1231

British audiences are more polite and have a wider world view. You don’t have to put a fuck joke in every 90 seconds like you do with Americans.

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.

I've never understood why anybody makes a big deal about mansions. It's just a house with more rooms. You still have to face yourself.

I'm endlessly amazed by what people are capable of, and incapable of.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

I can't relax here. These people have no pubic hair anywhere. We have pubic hair on the ceiling.

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"

I was a poster child... for birth control!

All they teach you in drama school is how to do stage fights and be a pain in rehearsals.

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

I have a dog, a lovely animal… I’m feeding him dog food that’s numbered. I’m not sure what it is, but they got it for everything. One for puppy, two for the middle dog, three for the gay dog, four for the whatever. On up. I’m looking at the can and it says on there “for the dog that suffers constipated.” The way I look at it, if you’re dog is constipated, why mess with a good thing.

Guns don’t kill people, people kill people. And monkeys do too… if they have a gun.

You might be a redneck if someone tells you you have something in your teeth, and you take them out to see what it is.