Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1231

According to a new study, our email is not as safe as we thought. How do they know this? They’ve been reading my email.

Reality is a concept that depends largely upon where you point your face.

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

I'm endlessly amazed by what people are capable of, and incapable of.

I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

Anticipation almost always exceeds the reality of that which we anticipated.

I never made “Who’s Who” but I’m featured in “What’s That?”

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"

You might be a redneck if you consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

Wrote my own communications software in LISP. Got a phone bill for a thousand dollars. My computer keeps calling itself.

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

The Internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club owners deciding if they are funny or not.

Comedy is rarely funny.

Pies were invented 12,000 years ago by the Egyptians. It was an easy way to preserve food that would be carried over long distances. They were like ancient Slim Jims.