Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1243

I spend enough time onscreen looking hangdog and depressed.

Republicans are a party with bad ideas and Democrats are a party with no ideas.

You might be a redneck if your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.

You might be a redneck if the tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.

People hate people just cause they want someone different to hate.

You might be a redneck if there has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.

I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

You might be a redneck if your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.

I'll bet a lot more people would use the phrase 'go fuck yourself' more often if no one needed money.

Oh how I hate you. I hate you so much it gives me energy. I have to get up early in the morning just to hate you, because there's not enough time in the day! Please GO AWAY!

And my sex life is nothing to crow about. At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

There is good news for smokers. The surgeon general’s warnings are different on the sides of each pack. Mine says, “Surgeon General Warning: Cigarette smoking may Cause fetal injury or premature birth.” Hey, fuck it! just don’t get the ones that say lung cancer.

My mother, she never breastfed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.

Sex sells, unless you're dehydrated in which case you'd be much more likely to purchase water.