Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1243
I have never done heroin. I wouldn’t recommend heroin. But it hasn’t hurt my record collection.
When I was in college I had this hippie girlfriend and she said, “Well, it’s like, when we make love, there’s no me and no you. Our bodies are like one continuous being.” <br /> I said, “OK, but how about paying some attention to our dick.”
Like many of her sex, Sophie was fiercely competitive with other women, working on the crackpot theory that if she could be better in some way, men would like her more, respect her. Make her happy. She never cottoned on that the men she was attracted to, the men who found her attractive, didn’t like women.
When I was a kid I remember thinking, if I had a girl, I would treat her really well. Little did I know, they don't always like that.
I don't want to be poor. I don't want to be rich to the extent that all I care about is keeping my job. I don't care enough about keeping my job right now. That's good. That makes effective at what I do. I don't want to be frightened of getting fired. So to that end I suppose my ambitions are that I spend less than I earn.
It's hard to know where your thoughts come from, especially when you have a thirst for material because you need it professionally.
You might be a redneck if your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.50 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: naive.
The way I see it... If you need both of your hands for whatever it is you're doing, then your brain should probably be in on it too.
Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.
I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.
A friend of mine that I was in a band with started me on Kafka, which in turn led to Camus and Sartre.