Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1243

I'm a vulgar lounge entertainer, I don't need to wear a tie.

Few things are more annoying than too many of any one ethnicity in the same room.

It’s so beautiful outside, I’m thrilled you guys took the time to come inside. On my tour for my first book, this was my favorite stop. For real. I’m not even kissing you guys’ asses.

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."

When being interviewed by a woman for a job, never begin with "listen up doll face".

If you know anything about me - and, if you do, I’m sorry that your life turned out like that.

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

I'm neither professional fighter nor physicist, therefore on some level I will always consider myself a failure.

I don't have lungs anymore! Just two spare bags that flew in under a bridge one day.

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"

Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time. Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D.

You might be a redneck if you can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant.

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.