Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1243

The sky is falling... no, I'm tipping over backwards.

You might be a redneck if you grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.

I would prefer as a viewer to watch the mistakes. I am my own blooper reel, as it happens.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

I'd spend more time with you if you were less like you.

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

You might be a redneck if your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.

Facebook is great for getting upset about things people say even though you haven't seen them in 12 years.

All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.

[Tequila] is not even a drink. It's a way for having the cops around without using a phone.

I’ll tell you what I don’t like about Christmas office parties: looking for a new job afterward.

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.

The way I see it... If you need both of your hands for whatever it is you're doing, then your brain should probably be in on it too.

Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.