Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1244

The sky already fell. Now what?

Sex sells, unless you're dehydrated in which case you'd be much more likely to purchase water.

You don’t get married to get sex. Getting married to get sex is like buying a 747 to get free peanuts.

When being interviewed by a woman for a job, never begin with "listen up doll face".

I don't want to be poor. I don't want to be rich to the extent that all I care about is keeping my job. I don't care enough about keeping my job right now. That's good. That makes effective at what I do. I don't want to be frightened of getting fired. So to that end I suppose my ambitions are that I spend less than I earn.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."

You might be a redneck if you grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.

As a kid I used to wonder around the woods… because my parents would put me there.

I like Irish pubs, except for all the loud music and drinking, and people acting like idiots.

Even though it’s warm here in L.A., people still have to wear layers - at least until their plastic surgery heals.

My father worked for the same firm for twelve years. They fired him. They replaced him with a tiny gadget - this big - that does everything my father does, only it does it much better. The depressing thing is, my mother ran out and bought one.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.

She quarreled with the nanny and accused her of brushing Misha's teeth sideways rather than up and down.