Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1244

You might be a redneck if your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.

You might be a redneck if your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.

I like Irish pubs, except for all the loud music and drinking, and people acting like idiots.

What the fuck am I doing?

A person with no children says, "Well I just love children," and you say "Why?" and they say, "Because a child is so truthful, that's what I love about 'em - they tell the truth." That's a lie, I've got five of 'em. The only time they tell the truth is if they're having pain.

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

I'm neither professional fighter nor physicist, therefore on some level I will always consider myself a failure.

I know God is real.

You might be a redneck if your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

People that say I have a 'fear of commitment' don't understand my relationship with popcorn.

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."

Researchers in Britain claim they have created a gel that prevents tooth decay. We’ve got this in America. It’s called “toothpaste.”