Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1244

I like Irish pubs, except for all the loud music and drinking, and people acting like idiots.

You can say prick on television. If it happens to your finger it’s alright. You can prick your finger, just don’t finger your prick.

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

(on people who join the military) As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces.

Nothing in life prepares you to be famous.

All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.

People that say I have a 'fear of commitment' don't understand my relationship with popcorn.

[Tequila] is not even a drink. It's a way for having the cops around without using a phone.

When I was in college I had this hippie girlfriend and she said, “Well, it’s like, when we make love, there’s no me and no you. Our bodies are like one continuous being.” <br /> I said, “OK, but how about paying some attention to our dick.”

They're working their way down. Next year, Todd Bridges gets the award. When I was a kid I wanted to be Eddie Murphy and now I'm a rip-off of Eddie Murphy."

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

You might be a redneck if you have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest place in America to live. And I thought it was just a great place to pretend you were born in.

Researchers in Britain claim they have created a gel that prevents tooth decay. We’ve got this in America. It’s called “toothpaste.”