Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1242
It’s so beautiful outside, I’m thrilled you guys took the time to come inside. On my tour for my first book, this was my favorite stop. For real. I’m not even kissing you guys’ asses.
According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest place in America to live. And I thought it was just a great place to pretend you were born in.
Climate change is a serious problem. We all need to do what we can. Unless that means I’ve got to change stuff. Then I’m not doing it.
I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic.
I went to rehab [for alcoholism] in wine country, just to keep my options open.
You might be a redneck if your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.
My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.
I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!
I’ll tell you what I don’t like about Christmas office parties: looking for a new job afterward.
My father was a beekeeper before me, his father was a beekeeper. I want to follow in their footsteps. And their footsteps were like this. (Runs screaming) AAAAAAAH! I'm covered in beeeeees!
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
At the end of a letter I like to write "P.S. This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.