Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1242

Nothing in life prepares you to be famous.

People that say I have a 'fear of commitment' don't understand my relationship with popcorn.

My whole career can be summed up with 'Ignorance is bliss.' When you do not know better, you do not really worry about failing.

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.

Because their bones are growing, they can only sleep in certain positions, obviously. The crucifix and the swastika tend to be the most popular. Sometimes a combination of the two.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

You women ever look at men’s bodies like they’re meat? Ever do that when you’re alone with your girlfriends. “Look at that baby - that’s is USDA Choice Prime Cut. Mmm mmm mmm.” My body’s the part they make hot dogs out of.

Even though it’s warm here in L.A., people still have to wear layers - at least until their plastic surgery heals.

You might be a redneck if your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".

People hate people just cause they want someone different to hate.

You might be a redneck if you entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

Politics: “Poli” a Latin word meaning “many”; and "tics" meaning “bloodsucking creatures”.

Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time. Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D.

It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.