Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1242

The sky is falling... no, I'm tipping over backwards.

You might be a redneck if you grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.

You might be a redneck if your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.

When I was a kid I remember thinking, if I had a girl, I would treat her really well. Little did I know, they don't always like that.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

I'll bet a lot more people would use the phrase 'go fuck yourself' more often if no one needed money.

If you spend a lot of time shopping for athletic clothes, you may want to consider spending less time thinking about high school.

Men look at breasts the way women look at babies. 'Aw, isn't that lovely.'

Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.

Do you ever have one of those weeks where you know nothings gonna go right?

What the fuck am I doing?

I would prefer as a viewer to watch the mistakes. I am my own blooper reel, as it happens.

I'd spend more time with you if you were less like you.

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.