Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1242
I have never done heroin. I wouldn’t recommend heroin. But it hasn’t hurt my record collection.
When I was in college I had this hippie girlfriend and she said, “Well, it’s like, when we make love, there’s no me and no you. Our bodies are like one continuous being.” <br /> I said, “OK, but how about paying some attention to our dick.”
You might be a redneck if your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".
You might be a redneck if you're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".
Politics: “Poli” a Latin word meaning “many”; and "tics" meaning “bloodsucking creatures”.
If you spend a lot of time shopping for athletic clothes, you may want to consider spending less time thinking about high school.
Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time. Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D.
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
A friend of mine that I was in a band with started me on Kafka, which in turn led to Camus and Sartre.