Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1250
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. "Keep sleeping." All right, perfect.'
I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.
I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.
I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
Please use anger for something positive like hurting people that deserve it or writing jokes.
Have you ever thought about toothpaste? Ellen has! And she makes a point about all of the types of toothpaste that Colgate offers!
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs... and more holes, that's what you ladies need!
I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property.
You might be a redneck if you consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.