Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1250

I wasn't paying attention, what was wrong with me?

Statistically speaking, when a woman says "I'm not going to have sex with you", she'll often have sex with you.

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.

I was Cesarean born. Can’t really tell. Although, whenever I leave a house I got out through the window.

A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!"

Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

Please use anger for something positive like hurting people that deserve it or writing jokes.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!

My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

One night I came home very late. It was the next night.

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"