Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1250
[Adulthood feels like] walking around in the desert with a bag over your head, being bumped into by people who rob you as they bore you
Please use anger for something positive like hurting people that deserve it or writing jokes.
My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.
My father worked for the same firm for twelve years. They fired him. They replaced him with a tiny gadget - this big - that does everything my father does, only it does it much better. The depressing thing is, my mother ran out and bought one.
I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!"
I have a sneaking suspicion that leading an examined life and being really tan aren't consistent with one another.
When there's time for whistling, there's a lot of time on a show.
You might be a redneck if the tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs... and more holes, that's what you ladies need!