Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1249

If you tell me you are going to kill yourself, I'm not going to try to talk you out of it.

I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.

You might be a redneck if in an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I have no sex life. You kidding? My dog keeps watching me in the bed. He wants to learn how to beg. He taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

I told my son about the birds and the bees. He told me about my wife and the butcher!

I stopped drinking when I was 17 years old because it’s not good for your health and I fell into a bonfire. Yeah, you’re done there. You don’t need AA. Falling into a bonfire is a one step program.

“Sort of” is such a harmless thing to say. But after certain things, “soft of” means everything. Like “I love you” or “You’re going to live.”

I spend enough time onscreen looking hangdog and depressed.

Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

I have never done heroin. I wouldn’t recommend heroin. But it hasn’t hurt my record collection.

My act’s not for everyone. I get on stage, I feel like I’m leading you into battle. You’re not all going to be here at the end.

You might be a redneck if your dad is also your favorite uncle.

You women ever look at men’s bodies like they’re meat? Ever do that when you’re alone with your girlfriends. “Look at that baby - that’s is USDA Choice Prime Cut. Mmm mmm mmm.” My body’s the part they make hot dogs out of.