Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1249

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.

I have a sneaking suspicion that leading an examined life and being really tan aren't consistent with one another.

First of all, i’m not an actor - I’m an asshole.

You might be a redneck if your dad is also your favorite uncle.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

Just relax and breathe through your ass.

If you ahve ever unloaded your pickup by backing up really fast and slamming on the brakes, you might be a redneck.

My girlfriend is so ugly, two guys broke into her apartment. She yelled "Rape!" They yelled "NO!"

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."

People that say "I'm really sensitive" rarely are.

Women want a man who is sensitive, but god forbid you can't get it up after being frightened by a small woodland animal.

I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property.