Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1249
She quarreled with the nanny and accused her of brushing Misha's teeth sideways rather than up and down.
The Bible, if you read it, looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs. “And then God made woman out of a rib. A rib! Look at that.”
Have you ever thought about toothpaste? Ellen has! And she makes a point about all of the types of toothpaste that Colgate offers!
I told my son about the birds and the bees. He told me about my wife and the butcher!
Statistically speaking, when a woman says "I'm not going to have sex with you", she'll often have sex with you.
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"
My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.
“Sort of” is such a harmless thing to say. But after certain things, “soft of” means everything. Like “I love you” or “You’re going to live.”
I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.
I was a nervous child, I was a bedwetter. I used to sleep with an electric blanket and I was constantly electrocuting myself.
Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.
I have no sex life. You kidding? My dog keeps watching me in the bed. He wants to learn how to beg. He taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.