Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1249

You might be a redneck if... your home has more miles on it than your car.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

I stopped drinking when I was 17 years old because it’s not good for your health and I fell into a bonfire. Yeah, you’re done there. You don’t need AA. Falling into a bonfire is a one step program.

Few things are as uniquely painful as bad comedy, and the realization that the human mind is a house of mirrors with no entrance and no exit.

I spend enough time onscreen looking hangdog and depressed.

Just relax and breathe through your ass.

Knock on wood is a saying for good luck. I think that started when someone went to someone's door to see if someone was home. "I hope Joe's home, knock on wood!"

You might be a redneck if in an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.

Republicans are a party with bad ideas and Democrats are a party with no ideas.

People would be so much more interesting if they'd behave like who they are, and not like what they think others expect them to be.

Women want a man who is sensitive, but god forbid you can't get it up after being frightened by a small woodland animal.

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!

My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

I have no sex life. You kidding? My dog keeps watching me in the bed. He wants to learn how to beg. He taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

“Sort of” is such a harmless thing to say. But after certain things, “soft of” means everything. Like “I love you” or “You’re going to live.”