Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1251

Please use anger for something positive like hurting people that deserve it or writing jokes.

If your name is ‘Christina’ and you spell it ‘Xtina’, there’s a 99% chance you’ve given your stepdad a blowjob.

All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs... and more holes, that's what you ladies need!

I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

I have a sneaking suspicion that leading an examined life and being really tan aren't consistent with one another.

When there's time for whistling, there's a lot of time on a show.

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.

I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. "Keep sleeping." All right, perfect.'

People that say "I'm really sensitive" rarely are.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property.

“No comment” is a comment.

I get no respect at all - When I was a kid, I lost my parents at the beach. I asked a lifeguard to help me find them. He said "I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide".