Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1251
Oh how I hate you. I hate you so much it gives me energy. I have to get up early in the morning just to hate you, because there's not enough time in the day! Please GO AWAY!
You might be a redneck if... your home has more miles on it than your car.
If your name is ‘Christina’ and you spell it ‘Xtina’, there’s a 99% chance you’ve given your stepdad a blowjob.
At the end of a letter I like to write "P.S. This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier.
A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
I like clothes, you know. I dig fabrics. One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.' But when you're in the woods you're like, 'Is there an asshole out here?' They look like trees.
I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.
You might be a redneck if you consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.
If procrastination were a marketable skill, I'd be a real hot commodity.