Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1251

If you tell me you are going to kill yourself, I'm not going to try to talk you out of it.

Statistically speaking, when a woman says "I'm not going to have sex with you", she'll often have sex with you.

Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

If you ahve ever unloaded your pickup by backing up really fast and slamming on the brakes, you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if you look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet 'Ms. Right'

When there's time for whistling, there's a lot of time on a show.

You might be a redneck if your dad is also your favorite uncle.

There’s a lot of little phrases in the language that don’t say what they mean. Take a shit is one. You don’t take a shit, you leave a shit. That’s the whole idea! To leave it!

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

I have a sneaking suspicion that leading an examined life and being really tan aren't consistent with one another.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

I was Cesarean born. Can’t really tell. Although, whenever I leave a house I got out through the window.

I like clothes, you know. I dig fabrics. One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.' But when you're in the woods you're like, 'Is there an asshole out here?' They look like trees.