Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1254
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."
Everybody does that now. We all take pics… you do the same with holiday photos. You record something to look back on it, even though you’re not really there when you’re taking the picture ‘cause you’re too busy recording it - so you retrospectively go to look back on where you weren’t and tell yourself you had a good time.
Best of the worst car accidents. They showed this one clip. Two cars go around the corner and they catch each other and start to roll and the tyre flies into the stands and hit's a woman in the face. And where you first saw it you where like OHHHHHH! That tyre just hit that woman in the FACE!... Oh good they're showing it again look look look... Look at this right here, yeah that's when it hit's that woman in the face! And the funny thing is every body around the lady like dove off. Everyone got out of there but she just like sit's there and at the last minute as the tyre is rocketing at her face. This is her defence she goes Ooooohhhhhhh like she's just gonna get into a slap fight with a Goodyear! What a horrible way to go! "What happened to Mary?" "A tyre hit her in the face!" How do you say that without laughing? "What was she doing putting her face near tyres?" No no no no, this type hunted Mary down!
If you can't tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle, then you're fat.
You’re never going to go. Why would you go? It’s a disgusting place. It’s always wet even when it’s dry. There’s nothing there. Farmers aren’t really people, you know this. They’re just necessary, we need somebody to kill cows.
Remember when we was young, everybody used to have these arguments about who's better, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won!
The thing about tennis is: no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're relentless.
It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in threes. He has three apples left, I guess I can't have one. I wouldn't want to screw up his practice routine.
I think I let go of the need for approval, ... It certainly feels good when you get it, but I used to be more desperate for it. Once I felt better inside about myself ... I could do everything based on how I want to do things.
I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.
And even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you don't gotta go to no doctor to get it taken out, whoever shot you will take they bullet back! "I believe you have my property!"