Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1254
Come on, if you don't win tonight it doesn't mean you're not a good person, it just means you're not a good actor.
Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store," and people would say "Hell yes I have!"
Everybody does that now. We all take pics… you do the same with holiday photos. You record something to look back on it, even though you’re not really there when you’re taking the picture ‘cause you’re too busy recording it - so you retrospectively go to look back on where you weren’t and tell yourself you had a good time.
You’re never going to go. Why would you go? It’s a disgusting place. It’s always wet even when it’s dry. There’s nothing there. Farmers aren’t really people, you know this. They’re just necessary, we need somebody to kill cows.
I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."
I think I let go of the need for approval, ... It certainly feels good when you get it, but I used to be more desperate for it. Once I felt better inside about myself ... I could do everything based on how I want to do things.
The thing about tennis is: no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're relentless.
When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers... we haven't spoken since.
I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.
I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
If you can't tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle, then you're fat.
One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.