Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1254
I'm quite a compulsive person—I only worked this out recently—I'm compulsive, but I'm also very indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now.
I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match "It's a fight to the finish". That's a good place to end.
Everybody does that now. We all take pics… you do the same with holiday photos. You record something to look back on it, even though you’re not really there when you’re taking the picture ‘cause you’re too busy recording it - so you retrospectively go to look back on where you weren’t and tell yourself you had a good time.
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in threes. He has three apples left, I guess I can't have one. I wouldn't want to screw up his practice routine.
Come on, if you don't win tonight it doesn't mean you're not a good person, it just means you're not a good actor.
Best of the worst car accidents. They showed this one clip. Two cars go around the corner and they catch each other and start to roll and the tyre flies into the stands and hit's a woman in the face. And where you first saw it you where like OHHHHHH! That tyre just hit that woman in the FACE!... Oh good they're showing it again look look look... Look at this right here, yeah that's when it hit's that woman in the face! And the funny thing is every body around the lady like dove off. Everyone got out of there but she just like sit's there and at the last minute as the tyre is rocketing at her face. This is her defence she goes Ooooohhhhhhh like she's just gonna get into a slap fight with a Goodyear! What a horrible way to go! "What happened to Mary?" "A tyre hit her in the face!" How do you say that without laughing? "What was she doing putting her face near tyres?" No no no no, this type hunted Mary down!
You’re never going to go. Why would you go? It’s a disgusting place. It’s always wet even when it’s dry. There’s nothing there. Farmers aren’t really people, you know this. They’re just necessary, we need somebody to kill cows.
I'm a — I'm a, um, a godmother which is just, that's fun to be a godmother, she is so precious, she's the light of my life, she's two... or five or something, and she's, uh... I don't know, I've never seen her — the pictures are precious, she just seems so, y'know... She lives clear across town, I don't have that kind of time, but, um... Well, I send money and stuff, it's not like I don't have a connection....
I think I let go of the need for approval, ... It certainly feels good when you get it, but I used to be more desperate for it. Once I felt better inside about myself ... I could do everything based on how I want to do things.
The thing about tennis is: no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're relentless.
One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.
I was Cesarean born. Can’t really tell. Although, whenever I leave a house I got out through the window.
I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.