Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1253

I get no respect at all - When I was a kid, I lost my parents at the beach. I asked a lifeguard to help me find them. He said "I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide".

Best of the worst car accidents. They showed this one clip. Two cars go around the corner and they catch each other and start to roll and the tyre flies into the stands and hit's a woman in the face. And where you first saw it you where like OHHHHHH! That tyre just hit that woman in the FACE!... Oh good they're showing it again look look look... Look at this right here, yeah that's when it hit's that woman in the face! And the funny thing is every body around the lady like dove off. Everyone got out of there but she just like sit's there and at the last minute as the tyre is rocketing at her face. This is her defence she goes Ooooohhhhhhh like she's just gonna get into a slap fight with a Goodyear! What a horrible way to go! "What happened to Mary?" "A tyre hit her in the face!" How do you say that without laughing? "What was she doing putting her face near tyres?" No no no no, this type hunted Mary down!

You might be a redneck if your secret family recipe is illegal.

Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

I'm a — I'm a, um, a godmother which is just, that's fun to be a godmother, she is so precious, she's the light of my life, she's two... or five or something, and she's, uh... I don't know, I've never seen her — the pictures are precious, she just seems so, y'know... She lives clear across town, I don't have that kind of time, but, um... Well, I send money and stuff, it's not like I don't have a connection....

I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match "It's a fight to the finish". That's a good place to end.

Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier.

If procrastination were a marketable skill, I'd be a real hot commodity.

I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in threes. He has three apples left, I guess I can't have one. I wouldn't want to screw up his practice routine.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

I used this product called “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.” Because sometimes when I’m having toast I like to be incredulous. “How was breakfast?” “Unbelievable”

I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."

I like to wear a "Do Not Disturb" sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. "Hey, how ya doin'? Knock-knock." "Read the sign, punk!"

I'm quite a compulsive person—I only worked this out recently—I'm compulsive, but I'm also very indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now.