Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1253

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.

Sex and death are two things that come but once in my lifetime, but at least after death you're not nauseous.

I went out with a guy the other night. He goes, “You know, Chelsea, you don’t have to drink to make yourself more fun to be around.”<br /> I’m like, “Listen, fucknut, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.”

When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers... we haven't spoken since.

I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. "Keep sleeping." All right, perfect.'

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

What are imitation rhinestones?

..years of insanity have made this guy crazy!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

If you can't tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle, then you're fat.

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."

Remember when we was young, everybody used to have these arguments about who's better, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won!

It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.

I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."