Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 127

It's a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on.

I was talking to Jesus, and I said, "Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me." And Jesus looked at me and said, "You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell."

Whatever success I've had, I always like to top it.

I have nothing against the planet per se. I root for the big comet or asteroid as a way of cleansing the planet. The comet or asteroid 65 million years ago is probably what gave us our opening to replace the reptiles.

I do podcasts for the same reasons I do stand-up comedy. I love it, and I don’t care if anybody else gets it.

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the class clown. The difference is the class clown is the guy who drops his pants at the football game, the class comedian is the guy who talked him into it.

You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.

I don't like being out in public too much. I don't like going to bars. I don't like doing celebrity stuff.

I was called "Rembrandt" Hope in my boxing days, because I spent so much time on the canvas.

I want to get a tattoo of the word "irony", only misspelled.

I think he has a hell of a chance on rain softened ground and he probably represents our best chance for a Festival victory.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

I'm thankful for Sarah Palin's vice presidential bid, which taught us that Alaska is not in a box off the coast of California.

To me, that's where a lot of satire lies. News used to hold itself to a higher plane and slowly it has dissolved into, well, me.