Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 127

The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words "common sense".

You gotta fight. You gotta get out the negative energy. Don't let it build up. You end up screaming at each other over something totally stupid, like, "Well, why'd you put this spoon in this drawer then?" Just to piss you off, that's why! I got spoons hidden all over this house! Keep it up, and your napkin rings are gonna start disappearing.

The emotions of men, however, were of a different order. They were pesky annoyances, small dust devils at her feet. Her knack for causing heartbreak was innate, but her vitality often made people forgive her romantic misdeeds.

Eating crappy food isn't a reward - it's a punishment.

I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back.

Somebody bought me a Snuggie as a joke gift. Haha, the joke's on you, I enjoy it. I toss and turn at night, finally a blanket that's like, 'I'm going to keep you warm.' It's like having a small child with polio keep you in a full nelson - the perfect pressure.

My general rule of thumb is, once something's a ride at Disneyland, I assume that it is no longer a threat in real life. Which is why I don't expect to get attacked by a giant tea cup anytime soon.

People who get offended by jokes are fucking stupid.

I ate too much and masturbated too recently, you know? It's bad to like jerk off and run out the door, 'cause you run into somebody. "Oh, she knows..." You got to take some time alone to process the shame.

Oprah tells women what to read, what to eat, what to think, what to do...

After President Obama, President Rodriguez... What’s the worse that can happen? The border problem gets solved and the White House lawn looks better?

Old people always tell you: 'When you've been around as long I have, then you can argue.' As soon as they're ripped off, it's a different story.

My nephew's always crying. I'm like, 'Dude, why are you crying? Your life is great. All you do is eat apple sauce and take dumps. That's your day.'

I lost 28 pounds in my divorce... because that's what a soul weighs.

One brother, five sisters… dude I’d have to wear a tampon just to fit in.