Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 127
Humanity is a crazy contradiction. I accept us for who we are. We're not that great. Every time we take a step forward we go back to the same primitive behavior. We're meant to be this way. It's not our fault, it's just who we are.
I do podcasts for the same reasons I do stand-up comedy. I love it, and I don’t care if anybody else gets it.
People say history is boring, and that is true because people are boring. We haven't changed since time began. We're still the same.
It's a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on.
I've been a straight man for so many years that from force of habit I repeat everything. I went out fishing with a fellow the other day and he fell overboard. He yelled, "Help! Help! Help!" so I said, "Help? Help? Help?" And while I was waiting for him to get his laugh, he drowned.
If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, only two went back to women.
Normal people terrify me, because they haven’t had enough problems in their life to know how to handle problems when they come up. Something little happens and they snap. But being from a disfunctional family means nothing rattles me. Hey once you’ve driven a drunken father to moms’ parole hearing, what else is there?
Oil is sixty dollars a barrel. There are terrorists everywhere. We have a catastrophe in our world every ten minutes. I don't know how anybody's getting through anything. Right now, people just need to be entertained.
Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
Whenever I play a role, whether it's good or bad, an evil person or nice person, I believe in being a purist and going all the way with the role. If I'm going to be a villainous wrestler, I believe in going all the way with it and not breaking character and not giving away to the audience that I'm playing a role. I believe in playing it straight to the hilt.
You gotta fight. You gotta get out the negative energy. Don't let it build up. You end up screaming at each other over something totally stupid, like, "Well, why'd you put this spoon in this drawer then?" Just to piss you off, that's why! I got spoons hidden all over this house! Keep it up, and your napkin rings are gonna start disappearing.
When you wear so many hats in society, you never know who you are. That's the beauty of it. Because once you find out who you are, you're screwed.
The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words "common sense".