Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 126

Cause if you're a transvestite, you're actually a male tomboy, that's where the sexuality is. Yeah, it's not drag queen, no; gay men have got that covered. This is male tomboy, and people do get that mixed up, they put transvestite there - no no no no! Little bit of a crowbar separation, thank you! And gay men, I think, would agree. It's male lesbian, that's really where it is, ok? Because… it's true! ‘Cause most transvestites fancy girls, fancy women. So that's where it is.

The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman’s rate.

There's no drama like wrestling.

Ambiguity - the Devil’s volleyball.

Marriage is grand. Divorce is about twenty grand.

I hate nickels; they're quarter impersonators.

After President Obama, President Rodriguez... What’s the worse that can happen? The border problem gets solved and the White House lawn looks better?

I need privacy. I would think that because what I do makes a lot of people happy that I might deserve a little bit of respect in return. Instead, the papers try to drag me off my pedestal.

If the truth conflicts with my beliefs, I change my beliefs.

Actually my Dad just took off. It was one of those divorces he split and he'd show up once a year and give me a Nerf football for Christmas. Thought he's my hero again. Woah it's two colors... you spoil me, you prick.

There's been times when I have actually had sex indoors. And then you kind of sober up a little when it's over. I become like a bartender at 2 AM. "OK, people, let's move it out! Yeah, you don't have to go home but you can’t stay here."

We were in the park flying a kite and a guy walks up and says "You flying a kite?" "Nope, we're fishing for birds." Here's your sign!

You know how Van Nuys got its name? Well, one day my little old Jewish mother was visiting me, and I took her to the top of the Hollywood Hills and had her view the valley below just at sunset. "Well, mama, what would you call that?" And she said, "Ver nize."

I was talking to Jesus, and I said, "Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me." And Jesus looked at me and said, "You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell."

Even when I was a kid, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. I'd be like, "Hey, so I guess I'll see you later," and he's, like, "Whatever, queer". That's a hate crime!