Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 126

My daughter saw this billboard for this place: 'Swim With the Dolphins.' She goes, 'I wanna do that.' I said, 'It's a lot of money - forget about it.' She said, 'Dad, I always wanted to swim with the dolphins.' 'Always, or since you saw the sign?'

I snorted heroin once by accident. It was amazing. But kids, don't snort heroin. It's too good.

Sometimes I'd sit and talk to Nostradamus and he'd just sit there go, "I know. I know." Once I went to movies with Nostradamus. I said, "Boy, what did you think of that ending?" He goes, "What? You didn’t see that coming?"

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I lost 28 pounds in my divorce... because that's what a soul weighs.

I need privacy. I would think that because what I do makes a lot of people happy that I might deserve a little bit of respect in return. Instead, the papers try to drag me off my pedestal.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I would love to have the faith to believe that the world was created in seven days... but I have thoughts... and that can really fuck up the faith thing, just ask any Catholic priest.

Oprah tells women what to read, what to eat, what to think, what to do...

Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?

It's hotter than a snake's ass in a wagon rut.

I hate nickels; they're quarter impersonators.

I look to nature because I think the animals are smarter than we are. Animals mate; humans date. There's no dating in the animal kingdom. No dinner, no movie - just a quick sniff, "Alright, let's go."

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.