Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 126

I lost 28 pounds in my divorce... because that's what a soul weighs.

I need privacy. I would think that because what I do makes a lot of people happy that I might deserve a little bit of respect in return. Instead, the papers try to drag me off my pedestal.

Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman’s rate.

There's no drama like wrestling.

Whatever success I've had, I always like to top it.

Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age.

A lot of weird ads. Sally Struthers with that little kid: 'Just 55 cents, the price of a cup of coffee, feeds this kid and his family for a week.' Yeah, where is that? 'Cause I wanna move there.

I do podcasts for the same reasons I do stand-up comedy. I love it, and I don’t care if anybody else gets it.

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

There's been times when I have actually had sex indoors. And then you kind of sober up a little when it's over. I become like a bartender at 2 AM. "OK, people, let's move it out! Yeah, you don't have to go home but you can’t stay here."

Sometimes I'd sit and talk to Nostradamus and he'd just sit there go, "I know. I know." Once I went to movies with Nostradamus. I said, "Boy, what did you think of that ending?" He goes, "What? You didn’t see that coming?"

You see, I can’t, on account of my Arthritis.

So I was just sitting on my porch, just minding my own business, and this dog come up to me an says 'Hey, ain't you Ross Perot?' Well, I just about dropped a load. And you all know who the prime authority on talking dogs is? The Republican Party. I rest my case.