Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 13

When I read things like "the foundations of capitalism are shattering," I'm like, maybe we need that. Maybe we need some time where we're walking around with a donkey with pots clanging on the sides. Because everything is amazing right now and nobody's happy... In my lifetime, the changes in the world have been incredible. Now we live in an amazing, amazing world and it's wasted on the crappiest generation of just spoiled idiots that don't care, because this what people are like now. They've got their phone and they're like "Uh, it won't" Give it a second! It's going to space! Can you give it a second to get back from space? Is the speed of light too slow for you?

Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!

When I go to church, I can't get past the fact that I'm just listening to some fuckin' guy. Do you ever think of that shit when you go in there? That's just some dude. And people are like, 'No! That's a special guy.' No it isn't! It isn't. No, he didn't levitate down from the ceiling with this white light around him. Why would you listen to another human being tell you where you're gonna go when you die? It's just like: 'Dude, have you ever been dead? No. Great. So wouldn't it be safe to assume that you wouldn't have the slightest fuckin' idea what you're talking about? Yeah, you're making it up. You're making the shit up. You're not fooling me with the robes and the candles, speakin' in old English, 'He saideth unto you-eth'. Shut the fuck up, you don't talk like that. You're just some guy, your names Jerry, you play soccer, you got your ass kicked in gym class, and now you're doin' this.'

"Hey, baby! Stop selling weed, all right, you've got your whole life ahead of you." He goes, "Fuck you, nigga. I got kids to feed!"

Not all children are smart and clever, got that? Kids are like any other group of people: a few winners... a whole lot of losers.

Sex after one child shows down. After twins… ooh… I’ll tell you what it is for us. I’ll share it with you. Every three months. We don’t plan it that way. That’s just how it works out. It’s the weirdest thing. You know what I do? Every time I have sex, the next day I pay my estimated tax. My quarterlies are due. If it’s oral sex, I renew my driver’s license.

You know those guys that eat at the strip club? Eat the buffet? How the fuck could you eat on a nasty-ass strip club? What? Are you that hungry? Motherfucker, go to Mickey D's or some shit! Not even Rwandan refugees won't eat that shit! At a damn strip club! Titties and Tater Tots don't mix!

I don't wanna die tomorrow knowing that I could have had a piece of chocolate cake tonight.

I have a friend who swears by food combinations - have you heard of this nonsense? She's nuts. She's like, 'You know what? You should eat food combinations, and that way you can eat whatever you want. It's just the combinations of how you put the food together.' And then her examples are like, 'You wouldn't want to eat steak and potatoes together, but you could have, like, a lemon rind and raisin skins - not the whole raisin, take the skins and steam them.'

I took a ladies order one time I'll never forget this I go "Mam, that'll be three seventy five, drive around". And there's like this long pause and she goes... "Where do I go?". Where do you go? You follow the one fucking road your on to me! Where do you... Ok. "Mam, you're gonna go to the Texaco station and take a right, go five an a half miles south east and your gonna see a guy in a yellow Poncho, his name is Hank he'll take you to the Whopper later... That's where you go!" And you've got ten minuets to get there or we take your food!

I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fucking heroic.

Dinosaur fossils? "God put those there to test our faith." Thank God I'm strapped in right now here man. I think God put you here to test my faith, Dude. You believe that? "Uh huh." Does that trouble anyone here? The idea that God... might be... fuckin' with our heads? I have trouble sleeping with that knowledge. Some prankster God running around: "Hu hu ho. We will see who believes in me now, ha HA."

People are starving all over the world, what do you mean, "red meat will kill you"? Don't eat no red meat? No, don't eat no green meat. If you lucky enough to get your hands on a steak, bite the shit out of it!

My girlfriend and I almost didn't have the second date because on the first date I didn't open the car door for her… I just swam to the surface.

You know what I'd like to be able to do more than anything else? I'd love to be able to shoot spaghetti out of my fingertips. Pppptthhh! Cause no one wants to be covered in spaghetti. No. If I'm on a date with a girl and she's very rude, I'd be like, "You know what?" Pppptthhh! "Enjoy your spaghetti, you're very rude. Enjoy your spaghetti, cause you're rude." Pppptthhh!