Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 14

I masturbate 'cause I'm the only one whose standards are low enough to fuck me.

I’m going to court next week I’ve been selected for jury duty. It’s kind of an insane case, 6000 ants dressed up as rice and robbed a Chinese restaurant.

Those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones; or masturbate during the daytime.

Why is McDonalds still counting? How insecure is this company? 40 million, 80 billion million jillion killion tillion... who cares? Is anyone really impressed by that any more? "Ooh, 89 billion sold? All right, I'll have one! I'm satisfied!" I'd like to tell the CEO of McDonalds, "Look. We all get it, okay? You've sold a lot of hamburgers. Whatever the number is, just put up a sign, 'McDonalds: We're Doing Very Well.' We are tired of hearing about every goddamn one of them."

Divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it's true because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce … That would be sad. If two people were married and they were really and they just had a great thing and then they got divorced, that would be really sad. But that has happened zero times.

Eggnog, who thought that one up? “I wanna get a little drunk, but I also want some pancakes.” You know what eggnog really is. You’re not gonna want to hear it, but I’ll tell ya. It’s elf cum. You might as well pour it down your back and slap your self on the ass.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

Ever see this? It’s a homeless guy but he’s got a dog... The dog’s really thrilled with this idea. The dog’s going, "Hey pal, I can do this by myself pretty well. The longest walk in the world you got me on here."

You don't get to be old bein' no fool...

He died of natural causes? Well he got shot in the face with a bazooka... So naturally he’d be dead.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to say married, get two.

I'm not addicted to cocaine... I just like the way it smells.

It's not until you're an adult you appreciate how awesome a dog is. Your dreams start dying, somebody cheats on ya, bankers fuck up your 401k, ya know? Then ya come home and that dog's looking at you and he's like, 'Dude, you're awesome!' It's like No, dude you... You are fucking awesome!'

He has a 5 year plan... What is it, don't die?

When I die, I want to go quietly in my sleep, like my grandfather - not screaming, like the passengers in his car.