Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 14
I was in a card store and they had cards that said 'Get Well Soon.' Fuck that - get well now.
I used to say that there were Five Levels of Fatness. Reason why I say "Used to say" is because now there are six! Uh-huh, I met the new one in Las Crucas. The original five levels are Big, Healthy, Husky, Fluffy, and Damn! People ask, "What could be bigger than damn!" The new level's called "Oh hell no!" What's the difference? You're still willing to work with level five. Example, if you're on an elevator and you're with your friend and this really big guy gets on and you and your friend look at each other and you're like, "damn!" But you still let the big guy ride your elevator. That's the difference. Level six, you see walking towards your elevator, "Oh hell no! No! No!" That's the difference.
Whoever you hate will end up in your family. You don't like gays? You're gonna have a gay son. You don't like Puerto Ricans? Your daughter's gonna come home with Livin' La Vida Loca!
I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!'
And then the other CEOs would gather and they'd go, "Who's that?" "Who's that? That, my friends, is my very esteemed personal ball washer. What did you guys buy? Another car? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"
I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"
When I go to church, I can't get past the fact that I'm just listening to some fuckin' guy. Do you ever think of that shit when you go in there? That's just some dude. And people are like, 'No! That's a special guy.' No it isn't! It isn't. No, he didn't levitate down from the ceiling with this white light around him. Why would you listen to another human being tell you where you're gonna go when you die? It's just like: 'Dude, have you ever been dead? No. Great. So wouldn't it be safe to assume that you wouldn't have the slightest fuckin' idea what you're talking about? Yeah, you're making it up. You're making the shit up. You're not fooling me with the robes and the candles, speakin' in old English, 'He saideth unto you-eth'. Shut the fuck up, you don't talk like that. You're just some guy, your names Jerry, you play soccer, you got your ass kicked in gym class, and now you're doin' this.'
Well, MTV isn't really my cup of tea... mainly because I hate huge pieces of shit in my tea.
How did Mary die? A tire... hit her in the face! What was she doing putting her face near tires? No, no, no... This tire hunted Mary down; this tire murdered Mary. This tire wasn't 'fucking around' as we like to say. This tire was out for vengeance.
I'm glad Hurricane Katrina happened. It taught us an important lesson: black people can't swim.
You're gonna be the nine-toed-havingest-limpingest bitch in Harlem if you don't stop fucking with me.
If marriage didn't exist, would you invent it? Would you go "Baby, this shit we got together? It's so good we gotta get the government in on this shit. We can't just share this commitment between us. We need judges and lawyers involved in this shit, baby. It's hot!"
You all have that friend who's quitting it. I quit smoking. I quit drinking. I quit meat, and I feel great. I get up in at six in the morning and have a nice big bowl of oat bran. Then I go to the bathroom for three and a half hours. I eat another bowl of oat bran and go back into the bathroom for six more hours. All I do is eat and shit, I'm gonna live forever! My colon's the strongest muscle in my body right now. I could pass Elvis through my colon!