Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 149

I'm a friend of the CEO of Twitter and he showed me how to be on it, but it causes such an uproar if what you post is perceived in a negative light.

I was talking to a businessman, and I said, "Don't you think most men are little boys?" And he said, "I'm no little boy! I make seventy-five thousand dollars a year." And I said, "Well, the way I look at it - you just have bigger toys."

If we do have any iPhone users out there, I have incredibly great news for you. I've developed after about six months and finally perfected and it'll be out on the market soon, an app that you'll all want. It allows you to make a phone call.

I can't rationalize the brilliance and knowledge that you have about the intricacies of the market with the crazy bullshit I see you do each night.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

A cannibal is a guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter.

Everyone always says, "Does it bother you that Italians are always portrayed as Mafia characters?" No, it doesn't bother me. First of all, not everybody in my family is in the Mafia. I have one uncle who's clean.

Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?

If Mike Tyson came up to me and said, “Listen, I want to fuck you in your ass.” The toughest thing I could say back is: “For how long?! Now I need some sort of time frame, my brother! Because you ain’t gonna be fucking me all day long! Now you gotta about three hours to do what you gotta do, then the ass is mine!”

If I ever find out who told my son this, I will kill them. Apparently, somebody told my son there’s a wiener thief out there, and if he takes his hand off it, Wssh! They’re gonna snatch it away!

'But he was so great!’ Yes, and the people who got on the Titanic thought they were going on a vacation.

They’ve got plastic Christmas trees now. They’re hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.

I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole other room in there. There's a guy that looks just like me in there."

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

You know how you speed up baseball? Everybody gets one swing. That's it one swing fuck you, you're out sit down!