Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 149
I wish people would understand that comedy is an art form, and that the same thing that makes a Picasso painting is the same thing that gives Bill Cosby the ability to do an hour of comedy on his kids.
I love Chicago. I got on a bus and asked the driver, "Do you go to the Loop?" He said, "No, I go beep-beep!"
I can't rationalize the brilliance and knowledge that you have about the intricacies of the market with the crazy bullshit I see you do each night.
Divorce is just about change, you know. It's God saying, "You need a change. And I'm going to make it so your bank account only has change."
My aunt used to say, slow and steady wins the race. She died in a fire.
This is where we are at right now, as a whole. No one is left out of the loop. We are experiencing a reality based on a thin veneer of lies and illusions. A world where greed is our God and wisdom is sin, where division is key and unity is fantasy, where the ego-driven cleverness of the mind is praised, rather than the intelligence of the heart.
Challenge yourself with something you know you could never do, and what you’ll find is that you can overcome anything son.
If Mike Tyson came up to me and said, “Listen, I want to fuck you in your ass.” The toughest thing I could say back is: “For how long?! Now I need some sort of time frame, my brother! Because you ain’t gonna be fucking me all day long! Now you gotta about three hours to do what you gotta do, then the ass is mine!”
They’ve got plastic Christmas trees now. They’re hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
My buddies, we've always just tried to make each other laugh. I mean, just like all friends hanging out - that's the goal.
You know what's stupid? Skiing. You get on top of a slippery mountain with sleds on your feet and you go down... big deal. Try not to. Or, go up! Now that'd be a sport for ya!
That's a good thing to say to the police the next time they stop you. "License and registration, please." "Hermits have no peer pressure." "License and registration, please." "Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories." "License and registration, please." "There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. Wouldn't you say, Officer?" "License and registration, please." "What's another word for Thesaurus?" See the cop have a nervous breakdown. "I was just trying to give him a ticket."
A new restaurant here in Southern California requires women to wear high heels. I’m outraged! This is sexist! Why just the women?
You know when you say something but you want to change in the middle? Like one time I was a bout to say take care but changed in the middle to good luck so it sounded like take luck... If you have any luck take care of it. Take luck you now. Shut up!