Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 160

I’m doing a roast as if the roast was pure rage and I wasn’t there to kid.

Oh, now there's only one kind of love that lasts. That's unrequited love. It stays with you forever.

I know I'm getting older because yesterday I called the police on my neighbors.

That definitely went through my mind, ... The situation in Houston, I felt teams were going to shy away from me because of the stuff with me.

The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country.

I have such poor vision I can date anybody.

Whenever you see riot footage on TV - you know, someone throwing a brick in Pakistan or somebody throwing a fiery piece of pooh through a Starbucks window up in Seattle - you ever see anybody throwing anything underhand? I think it just takes all the aggression out of the act.

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

I got so good at writing to a budget, my brain was restricting myself. I'd write, "It's a stormy night." Then I'd cross out stormy. I'd write: "It's a calm night." Then I'd cross out night. It's noon. Because you know how much night costs. You know how much rain costs. Nothing comes free in movies.

You can't bring tweezers on an airplane. If I'm on a plane and you try to hijack it with tweezers, I'll whip your ass, man. You think I'm going to be late because you've got tweezers and a bad attitude?

The law must be stable, but it must not stand still.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.

Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.

I don't know any comedian who tailors his act to his audience. Maybe people say they do, but I can't even imagine them.