Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 160
It's worse than dog eats dog. It's dog doesn't return dog's phone calls.
In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
To me a real patriot is like a real friend. Who's your real friend? It's the person who tells you the truth. That's who my real friends are. So, you know, I think as far as our country goes, we need more people who will do that.
I've always been the guy who doesn't necessarily get it with women. A woman would have to say, 'I like you, I want to go out with you, you can ask me.' And still I would question it. Did she mean it?
Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?
I prefer to believe that people are good and honest and respect me enough to tell me the truth. It's not easy to find those people all the time, but they're out there.
The first job I had was at Burger King. I didn't want to call it Burger King, so I used to call it the BK Lounge. If the girls were like, "Where do you work," I was like, "I work down at the BK Lounge. I'm a bouncer." "Can we get in?" "Not without coups."
My comedy has no color, it’s for everybody, black, white, Latino, Asian. It’s not a pro-black show, not a def jam show; it’s just straight, wholesome type of humor.
If you date, you will meet your share of weirdos and jerks. That is as sure as death and taxes.
Gay Republicans, how exactly does that work? 'We disapprove of our own lifestyle. We beat ourselves up in parking lots.'
I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead.
When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.'
Note to self... Sex with blow-up doll is not as good as advertised.
I got so good at writing to a budget, my brain was restricting myself. I'd write, "It's a stormy night." Then I'd cross out stormy. I'd write: "It's a calm night." Then I'd cross out night. It's noon. Because you know how much night costs. You know how much rain costs. Nothing comes free in movies.