Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 160
She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.
Health food would seem healthier if the people that sold it looked less unhealthy.
I feel most empires fell when they started to act human, but then look at Russia. They kept a pretty strong hand, and they fell from Afghanistan alone because Afghanistan is the graveyard of empires. I guess you just can't sustain it.
Get off your ass and do something. All you need is the right inspiration. Anger has fueled me my entire life. It makes me feel good and... I'm okay with that. My fear is that my anger will one day make me so damned successful that I'll actually be happy. And then I'll just stop.
Acceptance is going to a restaurant where the salad's not great, but the steak is fine.
The thing I don't understand about homosexuals is, how do they decide which one is the one who's supposed to pretend they don't want it?
I asked my ex-girlfriend, “Do you think we’ll get back together?” She said, “I think the chances are better of me putting Super Unleaded into a rented car.”
My shrink told me that my progress was pointless and she'd prefer to still keep me as a patient but analyze someone else in my place.
My show is an adult comedy show, but it isn’t offensive. Your kids could listen to it, even though I hope they wouldn’t ‘get’ most of it. But I get a lot of fan mail from soccer moms saying ‘I love having your CD because I can listen to it with my kids in the car.’
The Nazis were well dressed. Today's racists are a rag-tag bunch with no sense of style or panache.
Obama is the closest thing to a Latino that we have. Barack. Everybody wants to see his birth certificate too.