Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 160
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was the quarter from behind the ear gag. He would never put the time in.
Carol Burnett was particularly funny. She swore for the first time on television on Larry Sanders.
Nothing is impossible. Some things are just less likely than others.
Heavy Metal fans are buying Heavy Metal records, taking the records home, listening to the records and then blowing their heads off with shotguns? Where's the problem? That's an unemployment solution right there, folks! It's called natural selection.
Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?
In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
Some people think I'm high on stage. I would never get high before a show, because when I'm high, I don't wanna stand in front of a bunch of people I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Like, when you're high, and a joke doesn't work, it's extra scary. It's like,"Whoa, what the hell happened there? I am retreating within myself. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated? Why am I not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand?"
You can stump any stoner with one question: what were we just talking about?
A whale is killing people in SeaWorld. That's not funny but the headlines were funny: 'Killer Whale Kills.' What the hell do you think a killer whale's going to do? If you go to Brooklyn and see somebody named Killer Mike you don't think he'd give you no roses.
It's worse than dog eats dog. It's dog doesn't return dog's phone calls.
You can't bring tweezers on an airplane. If I'm on a plane and you try to hijack it with tweezers, I'll whip your ass, man. You think I'm going to be late because you've got tweezers and a bad attitude?
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
The reason I don’t worry about society is, nineteen people knocked down two buildings and killed thousands. Hundreds of people ran into those buildings to save them. I’ll take those odds every fucking day.