Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 161
Don't try to talk to me about sports. If a guy comes up and starts spitting out stats and what happened in the most recent game, to me, all he's saying is: 'Hey let's punch each other in the cock right after we pound these energy drinks out of a douche while we fuck our Ed Hardy t-shirts at dickhead camp.'
I can't watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.
I believe God wrote the Word in your essence. That's the genius of my Father. You are born knowing right from wrong. You don't need a book to tell you that!
Horses are among the most regal, majestic creatures to hold up traffic while they stop to shit in the street.
My penis is so small that I have trouble finding it 'cause it's so greatly influenced by mechanical fluctuations in the fabric of space/time. And when I'm having intercourse with a woman, she can only know where my penis is or how fast it's moving 'cause it's small enough and light enough to be fully governed by the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle.
I’m doing a roast as if the roast was pure rage and I wasn’t there to kid.
I saw one of those giant Hummer cars with handicapped tags on it. I thought, 'Wow, I never realized that being an asshole was technically a handicap.'
Listen, young people, I understand narcissism - clearly. But at least I have the decency to hate myself. And that's what's missing from the young people. They don't have the debilitating self-loathing and the second guessing.
Oh, now there's only one kind of love that lasts. That's unrequited love. It stays with you forever.
My characters all start with rhythms and sounds. Once I hear the voice and get into the rhythm, the attitude and the physicality just come out on their own.
Nothing is impossible. Some things are just less likely than others.
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.