Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 161

Use a screwdriver instead of a hammer. Try to untighten the nut with your hand. Utilize the path of least resistance first.

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was the quarter from behind the ear gag. He would never put the time in.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

My show is an adult comedy show, but it isn’t offensive. Your kids could listen to it, even though I hope they wouldn’t ‘get’ most of it. But I get a lot of fan mail from soccer moms saying ‘I love having your CD because I can listen to it with my kids in the car.’

Fantasy football is not only a good thing, but a great thing.

If the rich are evil why are you sitting in their library? Why are you sitting in their hall? Why did I just listen to a whole show on orangutans with no commercials that they paid for?

As women well know, the reason men are no good at playing dumb is most of the time we're not playing.

Lady, I'm just a nigga that loves titties.

Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.

The Bible looks like it started out as a game of mad libs.

You can't bring tweezers on an airplane. If I'm on a plane and you try to hijack it with tweezers, I'll whip your ass, man. You think I'm going to be late because you've got tweezers and a bad attitude?

I know I'm getting older because yesterday I called the police on my neighbors.

Nothing is impossible. Some things are just less likely than others.

Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.

The most popular Valentine’s Day gift is chocolate. In the 1800's, doctors told their patients to eat chocolate to get over a broken heart. They also thought if you’re going to be alone, who cares if you get fat.