Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 161

I don't know any comedian who tailors his act to his audience. Maybe people say they do, but I can't even imagine them.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

Breakups hurt like a motherfucker, but they are not the end of the world. The pain is temporary, and if handled properly, they can even be life-changing.

I have no religion because I was born and raised Jewish. And on the first night of Hanukkah, my parents, when I was very young, gave me a top to play with. They called it a dreidel. I knew it was a top. And as I looked at that top, I said, 'You know. I don't think I'm gonna be Jewish for very long.'

You might be a redneck if you've ever used a weed eater indoors.

Just because a guy has a shaved head, pierced nipples, and doesn't have sex with women doesn't make him gay. It just makes him down on his luck.

Chivalry died when women started readin' the shit in all them magazines. They got too much advice about men from other women. And they don't know what the fuck they're talkin' about. I see them in the grocery store, says on the cover "100 Ways to Please Your Man" by some lady. Come on, man. Ain't no 100 ways. That list is four things long. Just suck his dick, play with his balls,fix him a sandwich, and don't talk so much and he'll be happy!

Get off your ass and do something. All you need is the right inspiration. Anger has fueled me my entire life. It makes me feel good and... I'm okay with that. My fear is that my anger will one day make me so damned successful that I'll actually be happy. And then I'll just stop.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I said, 'I'm a male stripper.' He's like, 'You're kidding!' I said, 'Yeah!' He said, 'What's your stage name?' I said, 'Stretch Marks.'

White pants should be worn on two occasions: One, never. And two, if you're selling ice cream.

I don't return fruit. Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in.

I do have very deep, fond memories of my family in Mexico City, but I also remember feeling funny for not speaking English - I was basically an immigrant. But I picked up the language fast and soon I knew that I wanted to be a writer.

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

You don't know what people are really like until they're under a lot of stress.