Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 159

I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.

My girlfriend, you know, she’s crazy. She’s a woman, and women are crazy. She hates it when I say the c-word. It’s so stupid… We’ll be watching, like, Spongebob or something, and I’ll be like, ‘c-word’ and she’ll be like, ‘His name is Squidward you dump cunt, now get out of my house.’

He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.

I was on Entourage last week smoking a bong and making out with hookers and I did show them that before, cause it wasn't a hard 'r' cause a lot of people are watching that show that they know, not my little one - she's 12, but very sophisticated so it's an unusual case.

I can't watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.

Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."

A whale is killing people in SeaWorld. That's not funny but the headlines were funny: 'Killer Whale Kills.' What the hell do you think a killer whale's going to do? If you go to Brooklyn and see somebody named Killer Mike you don't think he'd give you no roses.

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was the quarter from behind the ear gag. He would never put the time in.

Carol Burnett was particularly funny. She swore for the first time on television on Larry Sanders.

I'm not a party guy. I don't carouse very much.

Yes, I'm a nice man and I enjoy babies. I'm a sensitive guy. I held a baby the other day and it was the first time either of us cried.

Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

This town is a back-stabbing, scum-sucking, small-minded town, but thanks for the money.

Nobody's about saving anymore. No one cares about a rainy day anymore. Nobody saves up enough for even an umbrella for a rainy day. It's sad. It really is a new form of slavery. We used to work to be able to afford material things. Now we work for these things. They're the boss. That house you can't afford, that car that's out of your price range, that cellphone that drains your bank account - that's your boss.

After every school shooting, parents come on television and say: 'Rap music is the problem. And drugs. And the lack of metal detectors.' No. The problem is that a lot of your kids are aggressive dicks and you won't do shit about it. That's the problem.