Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 159
I find that at most theme parks, the theme is ‘Wait in Line, Fatty.’
This town is a back-stabbing, scum-sucking, small-minded town, but thanks for the money.
I’m doing a roast as if the roast was pure rage and I wasn’t there to kid.
My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
So I was just sitting on my porch, just minding my own business, and this dog come up to me an says 'Hey, ain't you Ross Perot?' Well, I just about dropped a load. And you all know who the prime authority on talking dogs is? The Republican Party. I rest my case.
The reason I don’t worry about society is, nineteen people knocked down two buildings and killed thousands. Hundreds of people ran into those buildings to save them. I’ll take those odds every fucking day.
I saw one of those giant Hummer cars with handicapped tags on it. I thought, 'Wow, I never realized that being an asshole was technically a handicap.'
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was the quarter from behind the ear gag. He would never put the time in.
Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
When I look back on the stuff I used to wear, I wonder why somebody didn't try to stop me. Just a friendly warning, "You may regret this," would have been fine.
I was on Entourage last week smoking a bong and making out with hookers and I did show them that before, cause it wasn't a hard 'r' cause a lot of people are watching that show that they know, not my little one - she's 12, but very sophisticated so it's an unusual case.
White pants should be worn on two occasions: One, never. And two, if you're selling ice cream.