Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 159
When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was the quarter from behind the ear gag. He would never put the time in.
I don't know any comedian who tailors his act to his audience. Maybe people say they do, but I can't even imagine them.
He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.
Sometimes people change their minds, sometimes they meet someone else, sometimes they get sober, and sometimes he was just a jerk who you’re lucky to be rid of.
Without comedy as a defence mechanism I wouldn't be able to survive.
It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.
I got so good at writing to a budget, my brain was restricting myself. I'd write, "It's a stormy night." Then I'd cross out stormy. I'd write: "It's a calm night." Then I'd cross out night. It's noon. Because you know how much night costs. You know how much rain costs. Nothing comes free in movies.
A whale is killing people in SeaWorld. That's not funny but the headlines were funny: 'Killer Whale Kills.' What the hell do you think a killer whale's going to do? If you go to Brooklyn and see somebody named Killer Mike you don't think he'd give you no roses.
Violence doesn't solve anything? World War I. World War II. Star Wars. Every Super Bowl. Who says violence doesn't solve anything?
God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.