Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 159
I saw one of those giant Hummer cars with handicapped tags on it. I thought, 'Wow, I never realized that being an asshole was technically a handicap.'
Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
Black people don't hijack planes, alright? Now I'll be the first to admit, we steal a lot of stuff, but we do not hijack planes. In fact, in the history of aviation, a black person has never even attempted to hijack a plane. Do you want to know why? Because you can't sell an airplane.
Without comedy as a defence mechanism I wouldn't be able to survive.
The weatherman gets to curse in Chicago - it's license, it's a law, I'm serious. 'What's the five day outlook? Holy shit. It's cold as fuck out, that's what it is.' And there's a picture of a snowman with his middle finger up.
Sometimes people change their minds, sometimes they meet someone else, sometimes they get sober, and sometimes he was just a jerk who you’re lucky to be rid of.
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
You don't know what people are really like until they're under a lot of stress.
If the powers that be see there is a bigger market out there, it will make it easier for the next time around.
He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.
I feel like Adam when he said to Eve, "Back up, I don't know how big this gets."
My characters all start with rhythms and sounds. Once I hear the voice and get into the rhythm, the attitude and the physicality just come out on their own.
You might be a redneck if you've ever used a weed eater indoors.
I believe God wrote the Word in your essence. That's the genius of my Father. You are born knowing right from wrong. You don't need a book to tell you that!