Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 17
You know what I'd like to be able to do more than anything else? I'd love to be able to shoot spaghetti out of my fingertips. Pppptthhh! Cause no one wants to be covered in spaghetti. No. If I'm on a date with a girl and she's very rude, I'd be like, "You know what?" Pppptthhh! "Enjoy your spaghetti, you're very rude. Enjoy your spaghetti, cause you're rude." Pppptthhh!
I took a ladies order one time I'll never forget this I go "Mam, that'll be three seventy five, drive around". And there's like this long pause and she goes... "Where do I go?". Where do you go? You follow the one fucking road your on to me! Where do you... Ok. "Mam, you're gonna go to the Texaco station and take a right, go five an a half miles south east and your gonna see a guy in a yellow Poncho, his name is Hank he'll take you to the Whopper later... That's where you go!" And you've got ten minuets to get there or we take your food!
You know those guys that eat at the strip club? Eat the buffet? How the fuck could you eat on a nasty-ass strip club? What? Are you that hungry? Motherfucker, go to Mickey D's or some shit! Not even Rwandan refugees won't eat that shit! At a damn strip club! Titties and Tater Tots don't mix!
People are starving all over the world, what do you mean, "red meat will kill you"? Don't eat no red meat? No, don't eat no green meat. If you lucky enough to get your hands on a steak, bite the shit out of it!
I masturbate 'cause I'm the only one whose standards are low enough to fuck me.
When white people go on break at their job. 15 minutes. They go to their desk. They eat their cheese sandwich. Drink their God damn tea. 15 minutes they’re back on the fucking job. My people I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with us. But when we go on break, that’s just what the fuck we do…. we break. You got to look for our motherfucking ass. “You seen Johnny?”
My girlfriend and I almost didn't have the second date because on the first date I didn't open the car door for her… I just swam to the surface.
Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!
Dinosaur fossils? "God put those there to test our faith." Thank God I'm strapped in right now here man. I think God put you here to test my faith, Dude. You believe that? "Uh huh." Does that trouble anyone here? The idea that God... might be... fuckin' with our heads? I have trouble sleeping with that knowledge. Some prankster God running around: "Hu hu ho. We will see who believes in me now, ha HA."
Not all children are smart and clever, got that? Kids are like any other group of people: a few winners... a whole lot of losers.
I'm an action transvestite really, so it's running, jumping, climbing trees... putting on make-up when you're up there!
You're thinking I'm homophobic; I hear it all the time. "Dave, you’re probably gay." "What?" "Well, you talk about being gay so you probably are gay! You probably secretly want to have sex with another man!" And I say, "Listen, Voice In My Head… I do not."” "How do you know you wouldn't like it? How do you know you wouldn't love it?" I know I wouldn't like it or love it, because one time… during a terrible gardening accident, I sat on a cucumber… 3 times.