Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 18
Love screwed up people, though. I could hang out with screwed up people forever. Screwed up people are great, 'cause screwed up people have been through some stuff. They know what can happen. They know the problems. 'Cause if you've been through a lot of shit in your life, you know every time you see the shit just about the hit the fan... you step to the side of the fan.
"I'm just not happy, I'm just not happy. I'm just not happy because my life didn't turn out the way I thought it would." Hey, join the fucking club! I thought I was going to be the starting center fielder for the Boston Red Sox. Life sucks, get a fucking helmet! Alright?
I did a show in New Jersey in the auditorium of a technical high school. Technical high school, that's where dreams are narrowed down. We tell our children, "You can do anything you want." Their whole lives. "You can do anything!" But this place, we take kids - they're 15, they're young - and we tell them, "You can do eight things. We got it down to eight for you."
Those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones; or masturbate during the daytime.
You're thinking I'm homophobic; I hear it all the time. "Dave, you’re probably gay." "What?" "Well, you talk about being gay so you probably are gay! You probably secretly want to have sex with another man!" And I say, "Listen, Voice In My Head… I do not."” "How do you know you wouldn't like it? How do you know you wouldn't love it?" I know I wouldn't like it or love it, because one time… during a terrible gardening accident, I sat on a cucumber… 3 times.
You ever read the ingredients in sunblock? I've never seen those words anywhere. You don't even know what you're putting on your face, do you? You go, "Oh no, the sun's out!" It could be zebra cum; you don't know. You may not like that joke, but you don't know.
Why is McDonalds still counting? How insecure is this company? 40 million, 80 billion million jillion killion tillion... who cares? Is anyone really impressed by that any more? "Ooh, 89 billion sold? All right, I'll have one! I'm satisfied!" I'd like to tell the CEO of McDonalds, "Look. We all get it, okay? You've sold a lot of hamburgers. Whatever the number is, just put up a sign, 'McDonalds: We're Doing Very Well.' We are tired of hearing about every goddamn one of them."
The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
I’m going to court next week I’ve been selected for jury duty. It’s kind of an insane case, 6000 ants dressed up as rice and robbed a Chinese restaurant.
Don't use a peanut, a peanut goes rogue. A cashew contours to the tip as if to say, "Let's do this, I'm a cashew."
I say fuck shoes! Your shoes do not represent you! Neither here, nor in a court of law!
When I get into the shower, there is nobody else in the bathroom. Now, when I get out there are five girls just loitering. I finally confronted them. I said "Why are all five of you in the bathroom?" And my youngest daughter, who's really funny, goes "We're trying to see a hoo-hoo!" I said "I'm gonna tell you all you need to know about hoo-hoos. Hoo-hoos are extremely poisonous." And without missing a beat, she goes "they are not, or the dog would be dead!" I hate a smart child.