Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 16
Women are like the police, they could have all the evidence in the world but they still want the confession.
Good morning! And in case I don't see you: good afternoon, good evening and good night.
If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.
What is eternity? You're on the checkout line at a supermarket. There are seven people in front of you. They are all old. They all have two carts and coupons for every item. They are all paying by check. None of them have ID. It's the checkout girl's first day on the job. She doesn't speak any English. Take away fifteen minutes from that, and you begin to get an idea of what eternity is.
They got a character on there named Oscar, they treat this guy like shit the entire show. They judge him right in his face, "Oscar you are so mean! Isn't he kids?", "Yeah Oscar! Your a grouch!", its like "Bitch! I live in a fucking trashcan!"
I had the weirdest experience. I'm walking here and I say to myself "my gosh, that's Jimmy Petersen. I haven't seen him since I was nine". And I walked up to him and I slapped him on the back and I said "how's it going, you old rascal?" And he starts crying... And I say to myself, "wait a second, if that's Jimmy Petersen, he would have grown up too!" I mean, sure, now it's obvious...
Pol Pot killed one point seven million Cambodians, died under house arrest, well done there. Stalin killed many millions, died in his bed, aged seventy-two, well done indeed. And the reason we let them get away with it is they killed their own people. And we're sort of fine with that. Hitler killed people next door. Oh, stupid man. After a couple of years we won't stand for that, will we?
Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
Men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what religion they are.
I drew the duck blue because I've never seen a blue duck before and, to be honest with you I wanted to see a blue duck.
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
A dog will stay stupid. That's why we love them so much. The entire time we know them, they're idiots. Think of your dog. Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He has no idea how you accomplish this every day. You walk in the door; the joy of this experience overwhelms him. He looks at you, "He's back. It's that guy, that same guy." He can't believe it. Everything is amazing to your dog. "Another can of food? I don't believe it."
I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.