Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 180
I understand that smoking is vaguely inappropriate in certain situations. You know, like an orphanage, cancer ward, whatever.
I love the Spurs and their white guy basketball that they play. I absolutely love their fundamentally sound pick and roll, fucking kiss it off the glass, ‘I can’t jump either’ game that they play, it’s tremendous. There’s not a lotta white guys out there doing it, but when I watch the Spurs play, it looks like 5 white guys playing pick-up at the Y.
India and Pakistan have nuclear weapons. How did they get nuclear weapons? Those are dirt poor countries. Their armies don't even have matching uniforms. They go to war, they've got to call each other up, 'Wear something tough looking.'
My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.
And I tell ya I got no confidence in the pilot. When he makes a left turn he puts his hand out.
I honestly think hipsters eat with their assholes because they consume everything wrong.
I tell people that stand-up's like golf: you gotta do it every day to get it down - or at least three times a week to get it down.
This country is just that great that the opportunities are there for a Hispanic president, a black president or any other race for a president, yes.
Ever see a skinny guy on a cold day? You know they tremble like Chihuahuas. Then you see a fat guy in a tank top - nine degrees, he's sweatin'. Look at 'Titanic,' remember the boat goes into the icy cold waters? Little skinny Leonardo: dead. Final scene, Kathy Bates on a rowboat, coat open, eating a hotdog.
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive, and all the impersonators would be dead.
I went to University of Illinois. Big school. 35,000 students. 800 black… I was the only black in every class. Hard to be absent.
Jeff Ross has been roasting people since Whitney Cummings was nothing but a glint in the eye of the man who raped her mother.