Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 180

I'd still like to see "Survivor" minus the planned show-biz parts. That would be the purest form of show business - I want to see someone so hungry that they eat somebody else's foot.

Another thing when I'm president? If you're in the army, the navy, any branch of the armed forces... you can fuck whoever you want!

I do have insecurities. I don’t know if you can tell. I’m not brimming with confidence.

Dean Martin’s great-great-uncle, Ebenezer Martin, who said to Eli Whitney, "I see the cotton, but where’s the gin?" Never got a dinner!

I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

My comedy has no color, it’s for everybody, black, white, Latino, Asian. It’s not a pro-black show, not a def jam show; it’s just straight, wholesome type of humor.

Beautiful clear day in Beverly Hills. The sweet smell of Botox is in the air.

I’m very arrogant and mean. I’m almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.

My cell phone fell off my lap. I was reaching for it in the back.

In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say "Stop, or I'll say stop again."

I think clever people think that poor people are stupid.

There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. "Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy." These days, Trajedi.

I have a cousin Ernie who buys stuff. He's got a big snowblower that's actually the biggest snowblower you can buy, with a remote control, so he doesn't even have to go outside. He's got the microwave and a satellite dish, it's all in one. He cooks and watches at the same time.

I've never walked off stage and said, "I shouldn't have done that." Because when you do what I do, you're like a fighter. You throw the right hand and say, "That's what got me to this dance." You can't have doubt. If you have doubt, there's no show.