Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 180
What happens is fucking say you can do the joke, but what they're going to do is take your beautiful broth and dump a pillowcase full of flour into it. Then, they say you can still have your broth, but it's not so good anymore, and ultimately it's the people who get the crappy soup because they're worried about the one guy who is allergic to it and not the rest of us.
I love the Spurs and their white guy basketball that they play. I absolutely love their fundamentally sound pick and roll, fucking kiss it off the glass, ‘I can’t jump either’ game that they play, it’s tremendous. There’s not a lotta white guys out there doing it, but when I watch the Spurs play, it looks like 5 white guys playing pick-up at the Y.
A new biography of Madonna came out last week, and apparently the biography lists all the men she's slept with. The book is apparently called the Manhattan Telephone Directory.
Do unto others as you would've them do unto you. Scientific prove that to be a fact for every action is the opposite as equal reaction. Don't fuck with me, and i won't fuck with you.
An aspiring comedian must be determined to get to his or her true feelings on a subject and convey that to the audience. Figure out what you’re feeling or interested in because the goal is to get the audience interested in what you’re interested in. Good stand up comedy is drawing people into your head.
And I tell ya I got no confidence in the pilot. When he makes a left turn he puts his hand out.
Freaks everywhere. I went to a church in Chicago. Church had six Commandments and four do-the-best-you-cans.
There were 84 original episodes. It was rated No. 1 and No. 2 on the Fox Children's Network. We figured it was time to make it available to people who have never watched it.
They make that announcement, 'If you notice anything unusual, please immediately report it to airport security.' So, I grab the guy, I go, 'Yeah, I just saw somebody pay $11 for a cup of coffee at Starbucks. And right around the corner, they're selling luggage inside the airport. I'm going to do another lap. I'll let you know if I see anything.'
I’ve been on a cruise ship that’s crashed. The captain comes on, “I want you to know that the ship is taking on a little water.” You mean we’re sinking. A guy bringing on a case of Evian, that’s taking on a little water.
I understand that smoking is vaguely inappropriate in certain situations. You know, like an orphanage, cancer ward, whatever.
Beautiful clear day in Beverly Hills. The sweet smell of Botox is in the air.
Nothing will rob you of what little testosterone you do have like crawling into a bed with a chihuahua. As a guy you could be wearing a Hello Kitty backpack, carrying dandelions and licking a penis-shaped lollipop and that, my friends, would be one third as gay as waking up in the morning to find you and a chihuahua are spooning.