Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 180

President Obama. He is the man. I’ve tried the rest, and he is the best. My dream is for him to appoint me to be the Secretary of Humor. My first act will be to make whatever Larry the Cable Guy is doing illegal.

Red flag of the eating disorder: the muffin. Keep your eye on the ladies with the muffins... and sometimes I'll just eat the muffin top.

I'm a teleological, existential agnostic.

My grandma used to say "Sound your Klaxon when you come around a turn." And I'd say "Shut your fucking Klaxon I'm driving!" Oh we had fun.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I've had people come up to me, as home viewers, and tell me they were screaming at the TV, yelling at each other, yelling at the contestants.

If you're not happy before you're successful, you're going to be miserable when you do become successful because all your problems just get magnified.

You know, sometimes you can't just take an armadillo, put it in the barn, light it on fire and expect it to make licorice.

I saw a door onetime that said “Exit Only.” So I entered it, and I went up to the guy working there and said, “I have some good news. You have severely underestimated this door here. By like 100%, man.”

Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week.

As you get older you realize your parents don't look so dumb - and that you're not as smart as you thought you were.

This country is just that great that the opportunities are there for a Hispanic president, a black president or any other race for a president, yes.

Game, set, match equals tennis. Set, match, run equals arson.

You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.

I think Twitter is really great for those comics that are good with the one-liners. The thing about the Internet is that there are so many different things you can do, as a comic, to get yourself out there. It could be YouTube, it could be Twitter, it could be blogging. On the Internet, it's like I have my own little store. I have a bunch of YouTube videos up, and it's like, 'Check out these videos and if you like what I do, come check me out and if not... no harm, no foul.'