Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 180
When it comes to my wife and blowjobs, my dick’s in the Witness Protection Program. “Dick? I don’t know nobody named Dick.”
I love the Spurs and their white guy basketball that they play. I absolutely love their fundamentally sound pick and roll, fucking kiss it off the glass, ‘I can’t jump either’ game that they play, it’s tremendous. There’s not a lotta white guys out there doing it, but when I watch the Spurs play, it looks like 5 white guys playing pick-up at the Y.
I'm still trying to understand the wearing off high heels at the airport.
There’s a lot of controversy online, some people say i’m a genius and other say i’m hugely talented.
You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
I would like to give these kids a good home. In fact, there's one a few miles away from here...
The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?
Nobody needs a cookie. You will never get your lab results back, "Well, apparently, Miss Bexim what you need - and I am a doctor, I've never seen this before - some sort of a cookie. You're actually too healthy. You need a cookie."
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive, and all the impersonators would be dead.
They were always very sweet girls. There was really no way to be cynical about them. That's why people always called it "The Michelle Show."
This country is just that great that the opportunities are there for a Hispanic president, a black president or any other race for a president, yes.
Most drag impersonations are a drag. But everyone can like Geraldine. The secret of my success with Geraldine is that she's not a put-down of women. She's smart, she's trustful, she's loyal, she's sassy. Most drag impersonations are a drag. But women can like Geraldine, men can like Geraldine, everyone can like Geraldine.
'The Bernie Mac Show' is my life. It's the truth, and I'm not ashamed of a minute, an hour, or a second of my life.