Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 180

India and Pakistan have nuclear weapons. How did they get nuclear weapons? Those are dirt poor countries. Their armies don't even have matching uniforms. They go to war, they've got to call each other up, 'Wear something tough looking.'

I had that game Operation. Big naked white guy... He had no pee pee at all. He was like that guy from the movie Silence of the Lambs remember he tucked it in... "Put the lotion in the basket..." I use to do it I'd come out of my girlfriend's bathroom and go look I'm just like you! I was always afraid that one time she'd be like "Oh yeah! I'm just like you!"

Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!

I have a cousin Ernie who buys stuff. He's got a big snowblower that's actually the biggest snowblower you can buy, with a remote control, so he doesn't even have to go outside. He's got the microwave and a satellite dish, it's all in one. He cooks and watches at the same time.

Nobody needs a cookie. You will never get your lab results back, "Well, apparently, Miss Bexim what you need - and I am a doctor, I've never seen this before - some sort of a cookie. You're actually too healthy. You need a cookie."

Last week, the city of Detroit filed for bankrupty, it became obvious that Detorit was in trouble when it offered to suck chicago’s dick.

Now, a brother's dick is too big, so it'll fuck up his balance... Every time you see a brother in a wheelchair, he ain't always crippled.

I don't think it's any secret. We can't continue to do business as we're currently doing it.

We all know what happens to celebrities when their time is up - rehab and then a stint on VH1.

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.

One of my sisters wanted to be an opera singer. So, we spent a few dollars to try to train her, because Italian people would like to have an opera singer in the family. But she's got trouble coughing, let alone singing. One day, she was in the shower singing 'Madame Butterfly,' three days later the Japs attacked Pearl Harbor.

The ancient Greeks were the first ones to say an unexamined life is not worth living. They don't tell you of course what we found out, an examined life not that fascinating either.

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

If you're not happy before you're successful, you're going to be miserable when you do become successful because all your problems just get magnified.