Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 193

In 1982 I was playing soccer at William and Mary, and a kid from Randolph-Macon called me a kike. I ran after him. 'I'm not a... well, yes I am.'

Easiest job you could ever have… whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create "reasonable doubt."

Everybody's funny in different ways.

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.

If you've got a talent, protect it.

I'm not even 1000% sure that polar bears exist. How do you know? Why, 'cause Coca-Cola puts them on their can during Christmas? They also put Santa Claus, what's your fucking point?

I think Chappelle set the bar when he came out with his show. To be as great as him or greater you have to push it a little further - as long as there's substance in terms of the material.

My wife said to me, "I want to be cremated." I said, "How about Tuesday?"

I want a black Gummi Bear. You ever see a black Gummi Bear? No, because Gummi Bears are as racist as hell. They come in every color but black. They got orange, yellow, green, invisible - come on. They must have got somebody on the candy committee like, 'We gave you niggers a jelly bean nobody eats. We're not going to take a chance on a Gummi Bear.'

Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?

A black C student can't do shit with his life. A black C student can't be a manager at Burger King. Meanwhile, a white C student just happens to be the President of the United States.

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

Today President Bush ordered an investigation into whether it is appropriate to have civilians with no experience running a Navy sub. Hey, how about an investigation into whether it's appropriate to have a civilian with no experience running the country?

They're like ''You're an alcoholic.'' I go ''No, I'm not.'' and then-apparently that's what alcoholics say too, you know?

Don't worry about dying, worry about living.