Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 200
Did you ever reach a point in your life, where you say to yourself, 'This is the best I'm ever going to look, the best I'm ever going to feel, the best I'm ever going to do,' and it ain't that great?
They celebrate Thanksgiving in England, by the way. It’s called “Fuck off puritan!”
I describe myself to people as a "history buff." It just sounds better than "Holocaust buff."
We had our family tree done... turns out I'm a quarter gay on my father's side.
I believe it is important for comedians to know who came before them.
A guy goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he needs a pet for his mother. The guy says that Mom lives alone and could really use some company. Pet shop guy says, "I have just what she needs. A parrot that can speak in 5 languages. She'll have a lot of fun with that bird." The guy says he'll take the parrot and makes arrangement to have the bird delivered to his Mom. A few days pass and the man calls his mother. "Well Mom, how did you like that bird I sent?" She says, "Oh son, he was delicious!" Aghast, the guys says, "Mom, you ate that bird? Why, he could speak 5 languages!" Mom says, "well, he shoulda said something."
Golf is a game where white men can dress up as black pimps and get away with it.
New iPod. It looks like an iPhone but it can't make phone calls. So its really just an iPhone.
You were an altar boy, right? No wonder you're so angry. Show me on Kiefer Sutherland where the priest touched you.
I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness stand. "Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you, God?" "Yes, you're ugly. See that women in the jury? I'd really like to sleep with her. Should I keep going or are you going to ask me questions?"
Doing panel well is actually more important than doing a good stand-up spot because it’s when the audience observes you in a more “conversational” mode and decides if they like your personality – which is one of the real keys to popularity.