Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 200
I have no interest in art. Let me clarify - I have no interest in non-nude images.
It's all about money, not freedom, ya'll, okay? Nothing to do with fucking freedom. If you think you're free, try going somewhere without fucking money, okay?
I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness stand. "Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you, God?" "Yes, you're ugly. See that women in the jury? I'd really like to sleep with her. Should I keep going or are you going to ask me questions?"
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
Horrible date all through high school and college. Here's an impression of me on a date in high school. Come on, chug it!
"What the fuck why is the floor all sticky". Then the guy in front of me says "I just came".
My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things. Let's stay out of the bacon market! It says "It looks and tastes like real bacon!" No it doesn't! It tastes like somebody bacon-flavored a turd, that's what it tastes like!
I believe it is important for comedians to know who came before them.
I have to say something about people, even when it's somebody like Michael Jackson. I have to say something about a little dude who runs around the country wearing one glove and singing "Beat It!"
I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn't really a date date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed.
My older brother was cool, so I was suddenly cool by association. And I totally dusted all my old math friends.
We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like "We have to get rid of dictators", but he's pretty much one himself.
I knew I loved it because I could take the failures. I was like a professional fighter - they're beat 20 times in a row and they just want that one win.