Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 200

Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining?

I have a giant fish head on… I’m 42 fucking years old.

I developed several comedy phone calls.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

I knew I loved it because I could take the failures. I was like a professional fighter - they're beat 20 times in a row and they just want that one win.

There's nothing funny about flying to Houston.

In America, "Qualification" is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.

The other day I started to take a course in psycho-ceramics. What is psycho-ceramics? It's the study of crackpots.

My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things. Let's stay out of the bacon market! It says "It looks and tastes like real bacon!" No it doesn't! It tastes like somebody bacon-flavored a turd, that's what it tastes like!

L.A. I love it. Everybody’s a superstar. A guy will tell you, "Yeah, I’m a producer." And he’s driving a cab.

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

For me, the best Valentine’s Day gifts don’t cost anything because they come straight from the heart. That’s why I composed a special Valentine’s Day poem for you, my audience. “Roses are red, love’s but a fable. I’m really sorry you can’t afford cable.”

Try not to wake up on fire.

Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is.

You were an altar boy, right? No wonder you're so angry. Show me on Kiefer Sutherland where the priest touched you.