Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 200

Easiest job you could ever have… whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create "reasonable doubt."

The street in the center of town was Butts road. I stole the sign and told the audience, this must be where the assholes live. I also had a Neighborhood Crime Watch - it takes about 20 seconds to break into a house but it took me an hour to unbolt this sign.

I was watching Discovery Channel the other day, and you know that they have come up with a new theory about how dinosaurs was wiped out? It was a midturn election...

I'm the only actress in Hollywood who didn't pay to have these lips.

If you encounter someone who pronounces the "t" in "often", odds are they're a douchebag.

My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things. Let's stay out of the bacon market! It says "It looks and tastes like real bacon!" No it doesn't! It tastes like somebody bacon-flavored a turd, that's what it tastes like!

A mom and dad found an S&M magazine under their 10-year-old son's bed, and the dad said, ''Well, we sure can't spank him.''

I'm under stress. They killed me on wikipedia. They killed me. And I didn't stay dead long enough to sell no DVDs. I didn't even stay dead long enough - I was too stupid. I should've stayed low. I should've laid low. I could've been gone for a year; I'd have made money. And then I'd have risen from the dead.

Well, I'm eventually gonna take the Daryl Hannah parts.

Purim, one of my favorite holidays. It's like the original drag queen's holiday. It's when all the Jewish men go for it and feel no guilt for a change.

I believe it is important for comedians to know who came before them.

I have no interest in art. Let me clarify - I have no interest in non-nude images.

Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.

We had our family tree done... turns out I'm a quarter gay on my father's side.

I knew I loved it because I could take the failures. I was like a professional fighter - they're beat 20 times in a row and they just want that one win.