Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 200
Home in bed listening to the rain getting ready to order a pizza. Sounds like a song til the last part.
I was born when my dad was 50… It’s weird growing up with a dad that much older than you. We’d go to the movies, we’re both getting discounts.
If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help.
A prominent Los Angeles psychiatrist told a patient: “Ridiculous that you should still be frightened of thunder at your age. Thunder is a mere natural phenomenon. Now the next time it storms and you hear a couple of claps of thunder, just do as I do – put your head under a pillow and stuff your ears until the thunder goes away.”
I've got three women in my life: my mama, ex baby mama and my new baby mama.
My friend goes, 'If you're going to use Rogaine, just put it somewhere you're going to remember to use it everyday.' So I put it right next to my Prozac. But now it just feels really pathetic using both of these products at the same time, 'cause if either one works, I don't really need the other one.
They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.
A mom and dad found an S&M magazine under their 10-year-old son's bed, and the dad said, ''Well, we sure can't spank him.''
I'm happy with how the day has gone and we've made positive steps forward each time I've gone out. My lap times have also been good and consistent from the outset, so it's good to be on the pace and feeling back at full health and fitness to really "ride" the bike.
The patient says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"
I think there is much more storytelling in stand-up now. Less emphasis on the joke. Jokes are still important, but it feels like a more intimate and personal experience these days.
If you encounter someone who pronounces the "t" in "often", odds are they're a douchebag.