Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 200
They should call fishing what it really is... tricking and killing!
And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”
I really believe in the philosophy that you create your own universe. I'm just trying to create a good one for myself.
Oh yeah he thinks he’s possessed by Scar, the evil lion from lion king, because that happens!
There’s a lot of controversy online, some people say i’m a genius and other say i’m hugely talented.
And the only studies were - Rodney Dangerfield was my mentor and he was my Yale drama school for comedy.
I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference."
I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name and apparently that's the key to the whole thing right there. I go in every few weeks and guess.
We ask for way too much stuff - way too much stuff. You got a job making $100 a year and bought a house for $3 million. Talking about, 'I don't know what happened with the payment.'
We cannot attain the presence of God. We're already totally in the presence of Fod. What's missing is awareness.
MySpace is a great way to keep in touch with friends who you don't care enough about to actually have a conversation with, why bother calling to say "how are you," when you can just surf their page and post an mpeg of a guy farting on his cat.