Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 200
I believe it is important for comedians to know who came before them.
My older brother was cool, so I was suddenly cool by association. And I totally dusted all my old math friends.
If you're going to give people 20 minutes of news satire, you've also got to give them Tiffani-Amber Thiessen or you're going to have rioting in the streets.
If a director brings a guy to their movie who does improv, they've got to let him do what he does - otherwise it's like bringing Michael Jordan to your basketball team and telling him to just pass the ball and don't shoot.
Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining?
I got a wedgie coming down from the ceiling in the swing and my leg fell asleep!
Whenever Leslie asks me for the Latin names of any of our plants, I just give her the names of rappers. Those are some Diddies. Those are some Bone Thugs-N-Harmoniums, right here. Those Ludacrises are coming in great.
If you encounter someone who pronounces the "t" in "often", odds are they're a douchebag.
There're rules to being the side chick. Rule number one: you're number two.
I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.
A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is.