Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 200

If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help.

My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things. Let's stay out of the bacon market! It says "It looks and tastes like real bacon!" No it doesn't! It tastes like somebody bacon-flavored a turd, that's what it tastes like!

I like white women. That’s why I can’t hate white men. Because we need them for breeding. Sometimes I’m hanging with the brothers, and they get a little militant on me. They’re like, “Kill Whitey!” I’m like, “Slow down. Let’s think this through now.”

The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion.

She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.

It's more blessed to give than to receive - especially kittens.

I believe it is important for comedians to know who came before them.

They celebrate Thanksgiving in England, by the way. It’s called “Fuck off puritan!”

I developed several comedy phone calls.

My older brother was cool, so I was suddenly cool by association. And I totally dusted all my old math friends.

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.

Is knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know this?

On a night like this, I like to punish my schlong like I caught it breaking into my house.

Stand-up is live, so I'm used to being live for most of my career. It's interesting.

Women do fool around. But the reason they don’t get caught is that when a woman mess with a man he lives cross town, out of town. Fellas we mess with next door neighbor, co-worker, wondering why she found out.