Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 201
I was born when my dad was 50… It’s weird growing up with a dad that much older than you. We’d go to the movies, we’re both getting discounts.
I have to say something about people, even when it's somebody like Michael Jackson. I have to say something about a little dude who runs around the country wearing one glove and singing "Beat It!"
A mom and dad found an S&M magazine under their 10-year-old son's bed, and the dad said, ''Well, we sure can't spank him.''
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
On a night like this, I like to punish my schlong like I caught it breaking into my house.
I wish the iPhone people would design one that's black and has two pieces, and it plugs into the wall and you can pick one piece up and talk into it. I tell you, the whole time I had one of those old-fashioned plug-in phones, not once did I misplace it.
The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down.
I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
They celebrate Thanksgiving in England, by the way. It’s called “Fuck off puritan!”
We had our family tree done... turns out I'm a quarter gay on my father's side.
Beauty is only skin deep but ugly goes right to the fucking bone.
They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.