Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 201
I took Duke to the vet ’cause he eats his own turds, and I asked the vet, “Isn’t that unusual?” and he says, “No, a lot of dogs do that. Just take some of this powder here, sprinkle it on his food and it’ll make him stop.” I said, “What’s it do?” He says, “It makes his turds taste bad.”<br /> “I’m sorry, Doc, did you just say ‘it will make his turds taste bad’?” Let me tell you something, if you’ve stooped to eating turds, you’ve never uttered the phrase, “Oh my God! This is nasty!”
And I come from a small Vietnamese family. We’re really close too, all ten of us.
A prominent Los Angeles psychiatrist told a patient: “Ridiculous that you should still be frightened of thunder at your age. Thunder is a mere natural phenomenon. Now the next time it storms and you hear a couple of claps of thunder, just do as I do – put your head under a pillow and stuff your ears until the thunder goes away.”
On a night like this, I like to punish my schlong like I caught it breaking into my house.
Home in bed listening to the rain getting ready to order a pizza. Sounds like a song til the last part.
The other day I started to take a course in psycho-ceramics. What is psycho-ceramics? It's the study of crackpots.
A long time ago there was a lot of people... but that was a long time ago.
Did you ever reach a point in your life, where you say to yourself, 'This is the best I'm ever going to look, the best I'm ever going to feel, the best I'm ever going to do,' and it ain't that great?
They celebrate Thanksgiving in England, by the way. It’s called “Fuck off puritan!”
I got a wedgie coming down from the ceiling in the swing and my leg fell asleep!
I describe myself to people as a "history buff." It just sounds better than "Holocaust buff."
Caution: Anal intercourse may lead to irregular heart rhythms. Yeah, you know I'm never gonna have to worry about that. Because God gave me a second lease on life and I'm not gonna press my luck and take it up the ass.