Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 201
I'm happy with how the day has gone and we've made positive steps forward each time I've gone out. My lap times have also been good and consistent from the outset, so it's good to be on the pace and feeling back at full health and fitness to really "ride" the bike.
I knew I loved it because I could take the failures. I was like a professional fighter - they're beat 20 times in a row and they just want that one win.
Be prepared to cut your little extra lines that come after a big punchline and move on to the next joke or routine to give your set more punch and crispness. You can keep them in your set, but if the audience applauds your big line, don’t do your tag when it dies down, just move on.
They celebrate Thanksgiving in England, by the way. It’s called “Fuck off puritan!”
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass. The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a 3 day pass?" So we exchanged tanks!
I describe myself to people as a "history buff." It just sounds better than "Holocaust buff."
They're not the sharpest people - babies. So, you must be everything to them.
I believe it is important for comedians to know who came before them.
Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade. If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.
My older brother was cool, so I was suddenly cool by association. And I totally dusted all my old math friends.
We had our family tree done... turns out I'm a quarter gay on my father's side.