Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 201

I have a giant fish head on… I’m 42 fucking years old.

I have no interest in art. Let me clarify - I have no interest in non-nude images.

I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.

I got a wedgie coming down from the ceiling in the swing and my leg fell asleep!

If you encounter someone who pronounces the "t" in "often", odds are they're a douchebag.

They didn't have to describe Jesus to me for me to know he's black. Jesus' first miracle was turning water into wine at a wedding. Now if that ain't black folk, I don't know what is.

If my wife has too much to drink at a party, starts yapping a little too much, I don't have to say anything... three little leg squeezes, she knows that means 'Put a sock in it, drunkie, time for you to wrap it up.' Somebody didn't have dinner like I suggested, now you're spouting off at the mouth divulging all the family secrets. You need to pipe down or we've got to fucking leave.

So I go back, reluctantly, down a murky hallway to what looks like a Dollar Store dressing room, and I open up the dirty curtain. There's a velvet Elvis on the wall with the eyes cut out - some weird sort of quality assurance program they're running in there. They got a dirty recliner they pulled off the street with duct tape on it - God knows what else. They got a bloody pipe on the floor. It's like a third world game of Clue.

In Seattle, they have a saying: ‘If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.’

Try not to wake up on fire.

If you tell a lie that's big enough, and you tell it often enough, people will believe you're telling the truth, even if what you're saying is total crap.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

I don’t know, maybe it’ll change as I get older, but I have always enjoyed my birthday and the liberty it allows me. No matter what I do, I can say, “Well, it’s my birthday. It’s my birthday.” It’s sort of like diplomatic immunity with my family.

New iPod. It looks like an iPhone but it can't make phone calls. So its really just an iPhone.

Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is.