Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 199
My older brother was cool, so I was suddenly cool by association. And I totally dusted all my old math friends.
If you're going to give people 20 minutes of news satire, you've also got to give them Tiffani-Amber Thiessen or you're going to have rioting in the streets.
If a director brings a guy to their movie who does improv, they've got to let him do what he does - otherwise it's like bringing Michael Jordan to your basketball team and telling him to just pass the ball and don't shoot.
It’s a Spice Girl party & since we’re missing one I’m the new one Specky Spice.
I'm still suffering from shock from the last war. I was almost drafted! Luckily I was wounded while taking the physical. When I reached the psychiatrist, I said, "Give me a gun, I'll wipe out the whole German Army in five minutes." He said, "You're crazy!" I said, "Write it down!"
Teachers have a chance to mold someone, inspire them. I hope all teachers realize that.
If you encounter someone who pronounces the "t" in "often", odds are they're a douchebag.
I like white women. That’s why I can’t hate white men. Because we need them for breeding. Sometimes I’m hanging with the brothers, and they get a little militant on me. They’re like, “Kill Whitey!” I’m like, “Slow down. Let’s think this through now.”
I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.
New iPod. It looks like an iPhone but it can't make phone calls. So its really just an iPhone.
Here's why I think there's something a little odd with George Bush. Because a lot of the times when he speaks, his words don't match his face. Something is askew. You can't talk about the war with a smile on your face. He does it constantly. If you're the President, you should go "We're going to talk about the war, I must have a frowny face." The only time you can smile when you're talking about the war in Iraq is when you go, "Well, two Iraqis walk into a bar, hahaha."
It's hard for your mom to tell you she has an oral fixation and has to have something in her mouth. My step dad is in the kitchen winking at me. You down with OPP, yeah you know me. Exciting is and a special... What? Easy, and why do you know all the words? That's weird.
We have toasters in this country... and they lie to us! Because it has numbers from one to six and it lies to us!