Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 199
Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?
And I tell ya I got no confidence in the pilot. When he makes a left turn he puts his hand out.
Did you ever reach a point in your life, where you say to yourself, 'This is the best I'm ever going to look, the best I'm ever going to feel, the best I'm ever going to do,' and it ain't that great?
I can't relate to the idea of suicide. I guess I'm just one of those people that is always optimistic and upbeat. But one day, I sat down. I said 'You know what? Just to kind of purge myself, I want to see what its like to feel that low'. So I decided to write a suicide note. Yeah, just to kinda flush it out there and put it on a page. And I started to do this, and I had an epiphany. I'll share this with you: a suicide note that is written by somebody that is not suicidal is called an autobiography. I am on Chapter 58.
Nothing will rob you of what little testosterone you do have like crawling into a bed with a chihuahua. As a guy you could be wearing a Hello Kitty backpack, carrying dandelions and licking a penis-shaped lollipop and that, my friends, would be one third as gay as waking up in the morning to find you and a chihuahua are spooning.
Oh yeah he thinks he’s possessed by Scar, the evil lion from lion king, because that happens!
Horrible date all through high school and college. Here's an impression of me on a date in high school. Come on, chug it!
I absolutely realize that a celebrity spokesperson is not ideal.
I called a detox center - just to see how much it would cost: $13,000 for three weeks! My friends, if you can come up with thirteen grand, you don't have a problem yet.
Once when Larry the Cable Guy was on Conan’s show, Conan O’Brien was so offended by Larry’s material, he had to walk away from the desk he was so offended.