Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 199

They're not the sharpest people - babies. So, you must be everything to them.

If you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you. Go on, lean in. Listen, you hear it? Carpe diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary.

Twitter and Facebook and MySpace; all that stuff makes you warped. We've all basically given ourselves data entry jobs. I've actually heard people say things like, “Aw shit, I have to update my Twitter.” Really? You have to? That's a big priority for you?

Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade. If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.

You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day.

In America, "Qualification" is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.

Amelia Earhart, who said, "Stop looking for me; see if you can find my luggage!" Never got a dinner!

I like white women. That’s why I can’t hate white men. Because we need them for breeding. Sometimes I’m hanging with the brothers, and they get a little militant on me. They’re like, “Kill Whitey!” I’m like, “Slow down. Let’s think this through now.”

You know when I'm down to my socks it's time for business. That's why they're called business socks. It's business, it's business time.

If a waiter or waitress tells me when gratuity is included they automatically get more gratuity. When they hide it I go with the leg kick.

Home in bed listening to the rain getting ready to order a pizza. Sounds like a song til the last part.

A prominent Los Angeles psychiatrist told a patient: “Ridiculous that you should still be frightened of thunder at your age. Thunder is a mere natural phenomenon. Now the next time it storms and you hear a couple of claps of thunder, just do as I do – put your head under a pillow and stuff your ears until the thunder goes away.”

The patient says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

It's all about money, not freedom, ya'll, okay? Nothing to do with fucking freedom. If you think you're free, try going somewhere without fucking money, okay?

I can't sit down and write jokes. I just flows in from some maddeningly elusive place. Believe me, if I had an Alaska in my brain, I would drill baby drill, and I'd cum right on Sarah's back while I was there.