Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 199

I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, "If I don't make it, I'll never know it."

I don't like conservatives. They always talk about the "good old days". I'm black, we have no "good old days".

I knew comedy was for me when I was the only Asian in high school that failed math. But you know when I failed eight other students around me failed too.

I was born when my dad was 50… It’s weird growing up with a dad that much older than you. We’d go to the movies, we’re both getting discounts.

Men can’t buy makeup. So they have to buy something else. It’s called a Porsche.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The patient says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

I knew I loved it because I could take the failures. I was like a professional fighter - they're beat 20 times in a row and they just want that one win.

You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

Home in bed listening to the rain getting ready to order a pizza. Sounds like a song til the last part.

If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help.

By the way, the proceeds from tonight's telecast - and I think this is so great - will be divvied up between huge corporations.

You can get tested now for early onset Alzheimer's. Hold on a second, could someone hire a marching band, cause I'm so happy I feel like having a parade. You mean I can find out early if I'm going to die of a super horrible disease that there's no cure for? Well, whoopee!

Munch is the guy who says what a lot of people wouldn't dare say.