Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 199

You should’ve hung out, man.

It's more blessed to give than to receive - especially kittens.

I was born when my dad was 50… It’s weird growing up with a dad that much older than you. We’d go to the movies, we’re both getting discounts.

I'm still suffering from shock from the last war. I was almost drafted! Luckily I was wounded while taking the physical. When I reached the psychiatrist, I said, "Give me a gun, I'll wipe out the whole German Army in five minutes." He said, "You're crazy!" I said, "Write it down!"

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.

You can get tested now for early onset Alzheimer's. Hold on a second, could someone hire a marching band, cause I'm so happy I feel like having a parade. You mean I can find out early if I'm going to die of a super horrible disease that there's no cure for? Well, whoopee!

I don't like conservatives. They always talk about the "good old days". I'm black, we have no "good old days".

I believe it is important for comedians to know who came before them.

In Seattle, they have a saying: ‘If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.’

The patient says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering... It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fucking McTosser.

We had our family tree done... turns out I'm a quarter gay on my father's side.

On a night like this, I like to punish my schlong like I caught it breaking into my house.

Home in bed listening to the rain getting ready to order a pizza. Sounds like a song til the last part.

My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things. Let's stay out of the bacon market! It says "It looks and tastes like real bacon!" No it doesn't! It tastes like somebody bacon-flavored a turd, that's what it tastes like!