Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 199
Green Eggs and Ham was the story of my life. I wouldn't eat a thing when I was a kid, but Dr. Suess inspired me to try cauliflower.
Easiest job you could ever have… whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create "reasonable doubt."
The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
Horrible date all through high school and college. Here's an impression of me on a date in high school. Come on, chug it!
Walking back and forth also helps by creating the illusion that you are thinking of the routines on the spot, giving your performance a more spontaneous feeling.
I have been in kind of a sexual dry spell lately. In the past few years I’ve only had sex in months that end in "arch"... in years that have an Olympics.
Technically my dog's naked most of the time. Except halloween, when I dress him up as Liza Minelli.
I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn't really a date date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed.
I have no interest in art. Let me clarify - I have no interest in non-nude images.
You know when I'm down to my socks it's time for business. That's why they're called business socks. It's business, it's business time.
If you're going to give people 20 minutes of news satire, you've also got to give them Tiffani-Amber Thiessen or you're going to have rioting in the streets.
Stand up straight. If you stand up straight, you will instantly feel better about yourself, and you will project a better image to the world, one that says you don't feel like you have to be hunched over and closed off.