Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 209
Sometimes the critics review me harshly for not being critical of government but it's not me who has said I was political.
I've had soccer moms come up and tell me they can relate when I say that I want to throw my baby in the trash.
Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
If you're going to give people 20 minutes of news satire, you've also got to give them Tiffani-Amber Thiessen or you're going to have rioting in the streets.
Eddie Murphy was the Michael Jordan of comedy. He had a full range of abilities.
A woman driver went through a red light. The cop stopped her and said, "Lady, didn't you see that red light?" The woman said, "You've seen one, you've seen them all."
They want families to come to New York and go to the theater, so the theater is all geared toward family entertainment. It's money, you know.
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
Black people don't hijack planes, alright? Now I'll be the first to admit, we steal a lot of stuff, but we do not hijack planes. In fact, in the history of aviation, a black person has never even attempted to hijack a plane. Do you want to know why? Because you can't sell an airplane.
I did stand up first in high school, joined an improv group in college, kept doing stand up after that, no one could deter me. And I have no other skills really, so I’m sorta stuck with this now. It’s a little late to switch over to an ornithologist.
Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.
What's happening is there's a warm front of Mexicans that are humping their way north to the point where you'll be up in Canada one of these years, walking around, you'll be like: 'Hey look, Eskimos! They came down.' Those aren't Eskimos - they're Meximos: Mexicans in parkas, trying to have sex with Canadian women.