Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 209
I'm still suffering from shock from the last war. I was almost drafted! Luckily I was wounded while taking the physical. When I reached the psychiatrist, I said, "Give me a gun, I'll wipe out the whole German Army in five minutes." He said, "You're crazy!" I said, "Write it down!"
At some point, the computer industry decided if you have an e-mail address, you must have some kind of penis problem.
You started rapping when you wasn’t good at basketball. I started rapping because I needed Adderall.
They didn't have to describe Jesus to me for me to know he's black. Jesus' first miracle was turning water into wine at a wedding. Now if that ain't black folk, I don't know what is.
Last week I gave Dean Martin a cigarette lighter. He finished it in one gulp.
I knew comedy was for me when I was the only Asian in high school that failed math. But you know when I failed eight other students around me failed too.
I'm from the streets of New York. I know what tough talk sounds like.
Fellas, you have to stop letting women put all this pressure on us. Talking about, "I didn’t come". "Bitch, I did. What’s wrong with your shit?" I tell a woman before we even get started, "Look, team bus leaves in two minutes and eight seconds. I’ma scream your name twice and I’ma scratch you off the clipboard. You better hurry the fuck up."
Through the years, I have learned there is no harm in charging oneself up with delusions between moments of valid inspiration.
I'll admit it, the Holocaust was definitely a bad thing, but do we really need Jewish people around? They have big noses. I said it! I said it!
You go to McDonalds, they don’t even have numbers on the cash register no more. Got pictures of food. If you know what a french fry look like, you become the manager. You the smartest one there.
Will somebody get the knife and fork out of my leg, please? Can somebody please remove these cutleries from my knees?
Sometimes heckling can almost help a set, because it ratchets up the tension in the room… can even bring things to a climax.
I got distracted by one of the hippie moms who was breastfeeding a kid that was way too old to be breastfeeding. You ever seen that before? It's disgusting. A child should not be old enough to comment on the quality. Like, 'Do you go to Cheesecake Factory, because this is delicious. It's like dulce de leche meets Riesling coming out of this thing, and I've got to say thank you.'