Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 209

If a director brings a guy to their movie who does improv, they've got to let him do what he does - otherwise it's like bringing Michael Jordan to your basketball team and telling him to just pass the ball and don't shoot.

Will somebody get the knife and fork out of my leg, please? Can somebody please remove these cutleries from my knees?

My mum is in a mental hospital. There's a fine line between genius and insanity. Winston Churchill, Mozart, John Lennon. These people all had a touch of crazy that fuelled their brilliance. They were not locked up for it like my mum. Pft. Then again, Winston Churchill never tried to kill my dad.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

I'm from the streets of New York. I know what tough talk sounds like.

When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?

You reach a certain point in your 30s when you say things in a much safer way.

At some point, the computer industry decided if you have an e-mail address, you must have some kind of penis problem.

Sometimes heckling can almost help a set, because it ratchets up the tension in the room… can even bring things to a climax.

You started rapping when you wasn’t good at basketball. I started rapping because I needed Adderall.

94.5% of all statistics are made up.

A cookie without sugar is a cracker.

I like psycho chicks... Yeah, you hook up with a psycho, you're gonna learn something. First thing you learn is how to sleep with one eye open.

"You need to work on your people skills." "Shut up, Bret."