Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 210
A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business.
Don't let people treat you like you're stupid. If it sounds too good to be true, it is.
Because it's uncensored cable, I think we'll be able to do the kind of sketch comedy that really hasn't been seen before. We can actually finish jokes.
On a quick side note, I would argue that - much like Samuel L. Jackson - I am not arrogant at all; I'm just actually really, really great.
You started rapping when you wasn’t good at basketball. I started rapping because I needed Adderall.
Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.
Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade. If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.
Any Hamas or Zionist type who tries to interfere with the labor unions and grab the money will be marched to the guillotines and subsequently beheaded. And isn't that easier and more productive than some endless, bloody conflict? So sayeth the gospel of common sense. Happy Mother's Day.
Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.
I went whale watching once. It was very similar to watching people on a boat become disappointed.
No matter what time of year it's always funny when a person walks by me dressed in religious garb and I say Happy Halloween!
He can procrastinate more than any kid I've ever met in my life. When I tell my son to go take a shower, it can easily be forty-five minutes before I hear the water start running. Do you got one like this? He gets up in his bathroom, 'cause he has go to the bathroom again. And I don't even think he has to go; I think he just enjoys the comfort of that seat. It's like his La-Z-Boy rocker. He's got books in front of it, and LEGOs. And one night, I told him to go take a shower, and I didn't hear the water run for about an hour, and I said "that is it!" And I went upstairs and I walked in his room, and I heard this "boom, boom, boom." And I looked around the corner of the bathroom, he is standing butt naked in front of the mirror going "shake your boom boom, shake your boom boom." And I let it go for about ten seconds, then went "Shake, boy!" We don't nekkid dance anymore.