Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 210

I got distracted by one of the hippie moms who was breastfeeding a kid that was way too old to be breastfeeding. You ever seen that before? It's disgusting. A child should not be old enough to comment on the quality. Like, 'Do you go to Cheesecake Factory, because this is delicious. It's like dulce de leche meets Riesling coming out of this thing, and I've got to say thank you.'

A cookie without sugar is a cracker.

You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!" That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.

Anybody who thinks there's not a vast right-wing conspiracy in this country must also think that Ken Starr should be our next ambassador to Luxembourg.

I was such a nerd in high school, I didn't even have imaginary friends, I had imaginary bullies.

Jesus saves, Moses invests.

"Dude, I heard a car!" And I said uh... yeah, the world's full of them. You'll hear lots of them for the rest of your life. If you hear a humpback whale, that's weird. Tell me that shit, then I'll stop.

Is that a cat?!? It looks like a toaster cozy.

Good Luck Chuck, a comedy starring Dane Cook and Jessica Alba, opened today, and critics are saying it has all the belly laughs you’ve come to expect from Jessica Alba.

I like psycho chicks... Yeah, you hook up with a psycho, you're gonna learn something. First thing you learn is how to sleep with one eye open.

I am a man of my word… and that word is "unreliable."

I can’t express anger. That’s one of the problems I have. I grow a tumor instead.

Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is.

Any Hamas or Zionist type who tries to interfere with the labor unions and grab the money will be marched to the guillotines and subsequently beheaded. And isn't that easier and more productive than some endless, bloody conflict? So sayeth the gospel of common sense. Happy Mother's Day.

You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. "Snow blower, bottle of whiskey." You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? "Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy."