Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 210
A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business.
When I see homeless white person I start crying. (cries) What a waste of white skin.
Because when the Creator of matter, tell you you matter, then you have a purpose and then you have self-esteem.
Sometimes heckling can almost help a set, because it ratchets up the tension in the room… can even bring things to a climax.
The house smelled of brisket and bourbon. That's the music I grew up on.
Like this girl said, after she caught me using her tooth brush. I said Why are you complaining? 30 mins ago you were licking my ass.
I sang a song at my sister's wedding. My mother forced me into that, too. But that one felt all right.
It's kind of funny how that happened. When I was a child, I had a dream of one day becoming very influential and being in the entertainment world. I really wanted badly for that to happen, and in the last couple of years, my manager told me I was nominated for the group of the Most Influential Vietnamese-American Individuals in the world, along with generals and ambassadors and surgeons. It's an honor. It's mind-boggling. I'm a college dropout; I'm a high school failure, someone who came from a homeless background, but I understand the American pop culture and doing comedy from my heart led me to be in the Smithsonian Institute in Washington, D.C.
"You need to work on your people skills." "Shut up, Bret."
People have romantic notions about television. In the highest realms they think it's some sort of art medium, and it's not. Others think it's an entertainment medium, it's not that either. It's an advertising medium. It's a method to deliver advertising like a cigarette is a method to deliver nicotine.
I'll admit it, the Holocaust was definitely a bad thing, but do we really need Jewish people around? They have big noses. I said it! I said it!
Last week I gave Dean Martin a cigarette lighter. He finished it in one gulp.