Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 210
If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a shit life.
God doesn't hate gay people, he's just mad they found a loophole in the system..."We're just going to bang each other. It's better than all that..neh neh neh neh neh...listen, listen, listen...if I lost a leg would you still love me? You mean from the knee down? You lose a finger nail I'll break up with you. There's no depth to my shallowness."
Will somebody get the knife and fork out of my leg, please? Can somebody please remove these cutleries from my knees?
You ever be having a really good dream, and then, uh- right in the middle of the dream you wake up, right in the best part of the dream? And there you are, back in your stinkin' life again? Man, that's rough, eh?
I got distracted by one of the hippie moms who was breastfeeding a kid that was way too old to be breastfeeding. You ever seen that before? It's disgusting. A child should not be old enough to comment on the quality. Like, 'Do you go to Cheesecake Factory, because this is delicious. It's like dulce de leche meets Riesling coming out of this thing, and I've got to say thank you.'
By the way, the proceeds from tonight's telecast - and I think this is so great - will be divvied up between huge corporations.
All my life I was a class clown, church clown, neighborhood clown. And I took a shot after my divorce. She pushed me and I took it.
Like this girl said, after she caught me using her tooth brush. I said Why are you complaining? 30 mins ago you were licking my ass.
Oreo, have you been reading my diary? Because this has been a fantasy of mine for some time.
We ask for way too much stuff - way too much stuff. You got a job making $100 a year and bought a house for $3 million. Talking about, 'I don't know what happened with the payment.'