Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 210
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
You reach a certain point in your 30s when you say things in a much safer way.
A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business.
Don't let people treat you like you're stupid. If it sounds too good to be true, it is.
The wussification of America is killing us by teaching us to censor ourselves from what we believe. That’s why I want to see political correctness die in my lifetime, but first... I want to watch it suffer.
Sometimes heckling can almost help a set, because it ratchets up the tension in the room… can even bring things to a climax.
When I started, you didn't make a lot of money by being a comedian. You didn't get a lot of respect.
Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?
I'll admit it, the Holocaust was definitely a bad thing, but do we really need Jewish people around? They have big noses. I said it! I said it!
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.