Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 210
It's all about money, not freedom, ya'll, okay? Nothing to do with fucking freedom. If you think you're free, try going somewhere without fucking money, okay?
I was such a nerd in high school, I didn't even have imaginary friends, I had imaginary bullies.
Ellen's very mad at me. She's says if I want to start a war in the press, she's not the person to start with.
We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath without hurting their feelings. "Well, I'm bored. Let's go brush our teeth." Or, "I've got to make a phone call. Hold this gum in your mouth."
Because when the Creator of matter, tell you you matter, then you have a purpose and then you have self-esteem.
Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.
Anybody who thinks there's not a vast right-wing conspiracy in this country must also think that Ken Starr should be our next ambassador to Luxembourg.
The reason you should go to Las Vegas is because, for only the second time, the second time, ever, they have rebuilt Sodom and Gomorrah. It's back!! And you have the opportunity to see it before it turns to salt.
Sometimes heckling can almost help a set, because it ratchets up the tension in the room… can even bring things to a climax.
A real estate closer. Oh, what's that? I'm a real estate opener. What is a real estate closer? You mean at the end where you've got to sign all those papers?
You just need an opportunity and then you yourself have to do a good job, and then you hope that people go, 'Oh yeah, I forgot about her.'
A woman driver went through a red light. The cop stopped her and said, "Lady, didn't you see that red light?" The woman said, "You've seen one, you've seen them all."