Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 210
I believe it is important for comedians to know who came before them.
I would not have had anything to eat if it weren't for the stuff the audience threw at me.
Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.
I don't know what it's like in the U.S. but immigrants in the U.K. do the jobs the citizens won't do.
After 34 years, I feel like I did when I was starting out. I feel excited and feel I've never been better doing what I do.
Whenever I don't feel so good, I always try to remind myself of the Siamese twin whose brother is gay, whose boyfriend is coming over, and they share the same asshole.
Ellen's very mad at me. She's says if I want to start a war in the press, she's not the person to start with.
A prominent Los Angeles psychiatrist told a patient: “Ridiculous that you should still be frightened of thunder at your age. Thunder is a mere natural phenomenon. Now the next time it storms and you hear a couple of claps of thunder, just do as I do – put your head under a pillow and stuff your ears until the thunder goes away.”
There's no math equation that equals ratings or demographics or even takes into consideration "The Man Show". What the fuck is "The Man Show" audience? You either go up there and connect, or you go up there and you don't connect.
Why does Louis CK get named Comedy Person of the Year? I should be named Comedy Person of the Year just so I can parlay it into another few weeks of road work.
I don't think the problem is telling people you're on a diet. The problem is eating ice cream for breakfast.
I want to be a little more dramatic nowadays. I definitely want something big and funny, but I look for things that can just have people see me in a different light and let me mature as both an entertainer and an actor and a comedian.
They think globally but act locally, which is part of my t-shirt philosophy course that I teach in Brooklyn.