Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 208
People are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings in Fife, Alabama. I asked a guy, "Why do you bring a gun to a UFO sighting?" Guy said, "Way-ul, we didn' wanna be ab-duc-ted." If I lived in Fife, Alabama, I would be on my hands and knees every night praying for abduction.
No matter what time of year it's always funny when a person walks by me dressed in religious garb and I say Happy Halloween!
Fellas, you have to stop letting women put all this pressure on us. Talking about, "I didn’t come". "Bitch, I did. What’s wrong with your shit?" I tell a woman before we even get started, "Look, team bus leaves in two minutes and eight seconds. I’ma scream your name twice and I’ma scratch you off the clipboard. You better hurry the fuck up."
Starting to drink now in preparation for New Years. No more last minute stuff like Christmas.
Sober strip clubs are horrible. When you are sober you see the matrix code behind a strip club. You're paying girls to pretend to like you until you run out of money so they can walk away.
I like Halloween. It gives you a chance to dress up like something you're not, you know? Like when the Miami Dolphins put on football uniforms.
I like psycho chicks... Yeah, you hook up with a psycho, you're gonna learn something. First thing you learn is how to sleep with one eye open.
I love when they show the really gay prisoner in prison shows. He's the cutest inside but you know on the street he would be the ugliest.
Anybody who thinks there's not a vast right-wing conspiracy in this country must also think that Ken Starr should be our next ambassador to Luxembourg.
Munch is the guy who says what a lot of people wouldn't dare say.
I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.
If you do not find me funny, that is your problem and I am not going away.
My mom was so strict when I was a kid, she wouldn’t even let us watch The Brady Bunch. The Brady Bunch! She was like, "That’s why you don’t watch The Brady Bunch, that show suck. Six kids, that’s nothing. That’s right, I have ten kids. Why don’t you watch me? No commercial here. No ads. I run the whole operation, Dat Phan, watch me."