Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 212
Is world peace possible or is the human race too innately aggressive? For instance: Have you ever seen women at a sample sale?
A guy said to me, “There’s only 10 snow geese left in the world.”<br /> I said, “One shits on my car, there’ll be 9.”
Their cousin got in a fight and they put him in jail. I had to go get him out. He came walking out going, 'Hey, man, I tried to call you on the cellphone.' I said, 'You don't have a cellphone.' He goes, 'I mean, the phone by the cell.'
I'm getting a hair cut this weekend and I'm gonna tell the guy straight up, "No fuckin' around make my hair shorter than when I came in!"
Anybody who thinks there's not a vast right-wing conspiracy in this country must also think that Ken Starr should be our next ambassador to Luxembourg.
The reason you should go to Las Vegas is because, for only the second time, the second time, ever, they have rebuilt Sodom and Gomorrah. It's back!! And you have the opportunity to see it before it turns to salt.
So I went to drown my sorrows in a 19 year old waitress. So we talked, and on the third day, I got her into bed. And she started to cry. It’s like I’m a mental-illness magnet at this point.
Beauty is only skin deep but ugly goes right to the fucking bone.
Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.
I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn't really a date date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed.
It's all about money, not freedom, ya'll, okay? Nothing to do with fucking freedom. If you think you're free, try going somewhere without fucking money, okay?