Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 212
Why can't a heterosexual guy tell a heterosexual guy that he thinks his booty is fly?
Any Hamas or Zionist type who tries to interfere with the labor unions and grab the money will be marched to the guillotines and subsequently beheaded. And isn't that easier and more productive than some endless, bloody conflict? So sayeth the gospel of common sense. Happy Mother's Day.
A guy said to me, “There’s only 10 snow geese left in the world.”<br /> I said, “One shits on my car, there’ll be 9.”
Even if you get a joke right you’ve done it a thousand times and sometimes there’s times where it just doesn’t work or someone doesn’t agree with you. And I want to show that. I have had more hecklers because that’s part of comedy is arguments, you know?
A salesman called on my wife the other day and tried to sell her a freezer. "You'll save a fortune on your food bills," he promised. "I can't tell you how much you'll save. It'll be tremendous." Said my wife: "I'm sure you're right, but we're already saving a fortune with our new car by not taking the bus. We're saving a fortune with our new washing machine by not sending out the laundry. We're saving a fortune with our new dishwasher by giving up the maid. The plain truth is that right now we just can't afford to save any more!"
The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbour!"
We lost my grandmother recently. No, she didn't die - we lost her. She actually shrunk to the point we can't find her anymore. It's so sad 'cause we know she's still in the house, she's just not visible to the naked eye.
When I got to stand-up, having seen Lenny Bruce when I was 17 or 18, I didn’t laugh at all at what he did, but I could not get over the storytelling aspect. They were concepts that challenged you.
Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?
It's simple: you legalise drugs. If all of a sudden fucking Walmart has mushrooms, pot, in a whole aisle, then there's no financial motivation for drugs gangs to be beheading people. Then proper crime and robbery, which should be illegal, we focus on that.
I got distracted by one of the hippie moms who was breastfeeding a kid that was way too old to be breastfeeding. You ever seen that before? It's disgusting. A child should not be old enough to comment on the quality. Like, 'Do you go to Cheesecake Factory, because this is delicious. It's like dulce de leche meets Riesling coming out of this thing, and I've got to say thank you.'