Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 211
I wanted to cut down on the profanity, because I think I'm funnier without sayin' a lot of cuss words.
All my life I was a class clown, church clown, neighborhood clown. And I took a shot after my divorce. She pushed me and I took it.
This movie will actually increase the sex life of parents everywhere because they can put this on, with the 45 minutes of extras and they've got almost two hours to do whatever they've got to do while the kids watch the movie.
If you say 'why not?,' that applies to everything: 'Why don't I jump off a mountain, wearing just a towel, and see if I make it? Why not?'
No matter what time of year it's always funny when a person walks by me dressed in religious garb and I say Happy Halloween!
I've had soccer moms come up and tell me they can relate when I say that I want to throw my baby in the trash.
My feeling is, the Pilgrims were asked to leave England. England was never funner than when the Pilgrims split, right? The people of England got a little tired of these dour, right-winged conservative psycho-Christians wearing all black, bumming people out, confusing everyone by wearing buckles on... their heads. "Is that tight enough for you, Cotton?" "Yea, verily.”
I'm happy with how the day has gone and we've made positive steps forward each time I've gone out. My lap times have also been good and consistent from the outset, so it's good to be on the pace and feeling back at full health and fitness to really "ride" the bike.
What a dog I got. I tried to mate her - she wants 50 biscuits.
Why can't a heterosexual guy tell a heterosexual guy that he thinks his booty is fly?
I get up and a button falls off, I pick up my briefcase and the handle falls off I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
Well, I play Jews and parrots. Parrots are how I've branched out.
You go to McDonalds, they don’t even have numbers on the cash register no more. Got pictures of food. If you know what a french fry look like, you become the manager. You the smartest one there.
I'd walk into the school, smell that institutional smell of the tomato soup, peanut butter, disinfectant, and boys room. Pass the lunchroom, see the familiar lunchroom lady with the white dress and net on her hair. At the end of 50 years of distinguished service the Board of Education gives her a bronze net – with her name on it. It stems from the Board of Education rule to keep her hair out of the food.