Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 211

At some point, the computer industry decided if you have an e-mail address, you must have some kind of penis problem.

Any Hamas or Zionist type who tries to interfere with the labor unions and grab the money will be marched to the guillotines and subsequently beheaded. And isn't that easier and more productive than some endless, bloody conflict? So sayeth the gospel of common sense. Happy Mother's Day.

Will somebody get the knife and fork out of my leg, please? Can somebody please remove these cutleries from my knees?

I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart.

Last week I gave Dean Martin a cigarette lighter. He finished it in one gulp.

I got distracted by one of the hippie moms who was breastfeeding a kid that was way too old to be breastfeeding. You ever seen that before? It's disgusting. A child should not be old enough to comment on the quality. Like, 'Do you go to Cheesecake Factory, because this is delicious. It's like dulce de leche meets Riesling coming out of this thing, and I've got to say thank you.'

Broccoli? Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep-fried in chocolate sauce!

Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.

Oh, that's very profound, 'Insight Man'.

You just need an opportunity and then you yourself have to do a good job, and then you hope that people go, 'Oh yeah, I forgot about her.'

On a quick side note, I would argue that - much like Samuel L. Jackson - I am not arrogant at all; I'm just actually really, really great.

A woman driver went through a red light. The cop stopped her and said, "Lady, didn't you see that red light?" The woman said, "You've seen one, you've seen them all."

Anybody who thinks there's not a vast right-wing conspiracy in this country must also think that Ken Starr should be our next ambassador to Luxembourg.

God doesn't hate gay people, he's just mad they found a loophole in the system..."We're just going to bang each other. It's better than all that..neh neh neh neh neh...listen, listen, listen...if I lost a leg would you still love me? You mean from the knee down? You lose a finger nail I'll break up with you. There's no depth to my shallowness."

I was such a nerd in high school, I didn't even have imaginary friends, I had imaginary bullies.