Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 211
My father is a Jehovah's Witness, and he raised us under a very strict hand.
And I come from a small Vietnamese family. We’re really close too, all ten of us.
I got a wedgie coming down from the ceiling in the swing and my leg fell asleep!
The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
Any Hamas or Zionist type who tries to interfere with the labor unions and grab the money will be marched to the guillotines and subsequently beheaded. And isn't that easier and more productive than some endless, bloody conflict? So sayeth the gospel of common sense. Happy Mother's Day.
It should be like a salmon taking to open water. I've done so much morning radio that I won't be overwhelmed by it, but it's still going to be a challenge.
Nor did anyone censor any of my book. It is the most creative freedom you can have, in this, the 21st century, I can assure you.
My uncle was the first one in my family to get a telephone. It was like going to the moon. He came running over to tell us, and we were so proud. A telephone! We didn't have to go to the candy store to phone any more. We went around telling everyone. But we didn't hear from my uncle for three days, so my father got worried. He said, "Let's go over there." We got there, and my uncle was very depressed. I asked, "What's the matter?" He said, "I got a telephone and nobody called me." He didn't give his number out - he didn't know that you had to!
Fellas, you have to stop letting women put all this pressure on us. Talking about, "I didn’t come". "Bitch, I did. What’s wrong with your shit?" I tell a woman before we even get started, "Look, team bus leaves in two minutes and eight seconds. I’ma scream your name twice and I’ma scratch you off the clipboard. You better hurry the fuck up."