Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 211

I am a man of my word… and that word is "unreliable."

I can’t express anger. That’s one of the problems I have. I grow a tumor instead.

God doesn't hate gay people, he's just mad they found a loophole in the system..."We're just going to bang each other. It's better than all that..neh neh neh neh neh...listen, listen, listen...if I lost a leg would you still love me? You mean from the knee down? You lose a finger nail I'll break up with you. There's no depth to my shallowness."

You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. "Snow blower, bottle of whiskey." You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? "Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy."

Like this girl said, after she caught me using her tooth brush. I said Why are you complaining? 30 mins ago you were licking my ass.

Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.

So I went to drown my sorrows in a 19 year old waitress. So we talked, and on the third day, I got her into bed. And she started to cry. It’s like I’m a mental-illness magnet at this point.

Don't let people treat you like you're stupid. If it sounds too good to be true, it is.

You ever be having a really good dream, and then, uh- right in the middle of the dream you wake up, right in the best part of the dream? And there you are, back in your stinkin' life again? Man, that's rough, eh?

Oh, that's very profound, 'Insight Man'.

More details coming out about Michael Jackson. It seems his 13-year-old accuser testified before a grand jury that Michael had seven locks on his bedroom door. See, what happened was whenever Michael would install one lock, the kid would grow an inch taller, and he’d have to put in another one, and then another one, and then another one.

I like being full, every day, with stuff that I have to do.

People have romantic notions about television. In the highest realms they think it's some sort of art medium, and it's not. Others think it's an entertainment medium, it's not that either. It's an advertising medium. It's a method to deliver advertising like a cigarette is a method to deliver nicotine.

All my life I was a class clown, church clown, neighborhood clown. And I took a shot after my divorce. She pushed me and I took it.

Knowledge of means without knowledge of ends is animal training.