Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 211
Middle names are kind of like vice presidents: It's a fine distinction and certainly an honor, but you're never not aware that someone else got the real job.
Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.
You just need an opportunity and then you yourself have to do a good job, and then you hope that people go, 'Oh yeah, I forgot about her.'
It's simple: you legalise drugs. If all of a sudden fucking Walmart has mushrooms, pot, in a whole aisle, then there's no financial motivation for drugs gangs to be beheading people. Then proper crime and robbery, which should be illegal, we focus on that.
The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion.
Man says to his wife: ‘Pack your bags, I’ve won the pools.’ She says: ‘What should I pack? Something light, something warm? Where are we going?’ He says: ‘We’re going nowhere. Just pack your bags and fuck off.’
Even if you get a joke right you’ve done it a thousand times and sometimes there’s times where it just doesn’t work or someone doesn’t agree with you. And I want to show that. I have had more hecklers because that’s part of comedy is arguments, you know?
Sometimes I can do a pretty clean show, since I perform at churches all the time. And sometimes I might use a "damn" or "shit" that comes out. But there's nothing that's vulgar or disrespectful. It's all good and it's all still funny, though. And I don't care what color the crowd is - black, white, Asian, whoever. It don't matter. Funny's funny and I'm gonna get them to laugh.
We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath without hurting their feelings. "Well, I'm bored. Let's go brush our teeth." Or, "I've got to make a phone call. Hold this gum in your mouth."
Is world peace possible or is the human race too innately aggressive? For instance: Have you ever seen women at a sample sale?
We lost my grandmother recently. No, she didn't die - we lost her. She actually shrunk to the point we can't find her anymore. It's so sad 'cause we know she's still in the house, she's just not visible to the naked eye.
You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine.
Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
I got distracted by one of the hippie moms who was breastfeeding a kid that was way too old to be breastfeeding. You ever seen that before? It's disgusting. A child should not be old enough to comment on the quality. Like, 'Do you go to Cheesecake Factory, because this is delicious. It's like dulce de leche meets Riesling coming out of this thing, and I've got to say thank you.'