Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 211
It's simple: you legalise drugs. If all of a sudden fucking Walmart has mushrooms, pot, in a whole aisle, then there's no financial motivation for drugs gangs to be beheading people. Then proper crime and robbery, which should be illegal, we focus on that.
Oreo, have you been reading my diary? Because this has been a fantasy of mine for some time.
I can’t express anger. That’s one of the problems I have. I grow a tumor instead.
I always wanted to make motion pictures, ever since I was a wee boy, and I was 32, and time was marching on. I met a guy who said, 'Come out to Hollywood for 10 days, and I'll get you a deal.' So I figured, 'OK, 10 days.' On the 10th day, he got me a development deal with Disney, not for a lot of money, but it allowed me to make the move.
I knew comedy was for me when I was the only Asian in high school that failed math. But you know when I failed eight other students around me failed too.
When I went into Bobby's World, I had no idea it would be a success. I had been doing the Bobby voice as part of my nightclub adult act for years.
If you say 'why not?,' that applies to everything: 'Why don't I jump off a mountain, wearing just a towel, and see if I make it? Why not?'
Lactose intolerant milk? Kiss my dick! If you're lactose intolerant you can't drink milk. So what's in the fucking carton? Get it out of there, get it away from my milk. It is talking to my milk and making it feel bad about itself.
I think the word raped gets thrown around far too casually. You ever listen to a bunch of guys playing video games with each other online? It's like, 'Ah man you shot me in the back dude. You raped me dude!' I'm pretty sure if I talked to a woman who's been through that horrific situation and I said, 'What was it like, you know, being raped?' she's not gonna look at me and go, 'Have you ever played Halo?'
People have romantic notions about television. In the highest realms they think it's some sort of art medium, and it's not. Others think it's an entertainment medium, it's not that either. It's an advertising medium. It's a method to deliver advertising like a cigarette is a method to deliver nicotine.
Like if you're Jewish you have to wear a hat, but only in the middle of your head. But it all becomes clear the second that you realize that God is a 12-year-old boy with Asperger's.
Through the years, I have learned there is no harm in charging oneself up with delusions between moments of valid inspiration.
Because it's uncensored cable, I think we'll be able to do the kind of sketch comedy that really hasn't been seen before. We can actually finish jokes.