Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 213
Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?
It's simple: you legalise drugs. If all of a sudden fucking Walmart has mushrooms, pot, in a whole aisle, then there's no financial motivation for drugs gangs to be beheading people. Then proper crime and robbery, which should be illegal, we focus on that.
Bobby's World touched a lot of people. That's why the family's last name is Generic. Uncle Ted is based on uncles we've all had.
Now... just wait a minute. Did I start talking Portuguese up here and not realize it?
We lost my grandmother recently. No, she didn't die - we lost her. She actually shrunk to the point we can't find her anymore. It's so sad 'cause we know she's still in the house, she's just not visible to the naked eye.
The stupidest thing is to assume Latinos are all from Mexico. “What part of Mexico are your ancestors from?” Los Angeles, bitch!
I've had soccer moms come up and tell me they can relate when I say that I want to throw my baby in the trash.
Like if you're Jewish you have to wear a hat, but only in the middle of your head. But it all becomes clear the second that you realize that God is a 12-year-old boy with Asperger's.
Why can't a heterosexual guy tell a heterosexual guy that he thinks his booty is fly?
I always wanted to make motion pictures, ever since I was a wee boy, and I was 32, and time was marching on. I met a guy who said, 'Come out to Hollywood for 10 days, and I'll get you a deal.' So I figured, 'OK, 10 days.' On the 10th day, he got me a development deal with Disney, not for a lot of money, but it allowed me to make the move.