Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 213
The difference being that a nerd would wear a D&D shirt because he loves D&D while a hipster would wear a D&D shirt because it’s ridiculous that he is wearing a D&D shirt.
Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.
I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn't really a date date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed.
Other rappers diss me. Say my rhymes are sissy. What, what, what, why, why, why? Be more constructive with your feedback.
I bullshit on the phone all day with a variety of people discussing various projects, and occasionally write jokes.
Latinos outnumber Black people now. I’m not too happy about it. Because it’s only a matter of time before we lose our month. Soon as they figure it out, they’re going to have Latino History Month. All we’re going to have is Cinco de Negro.
If I do a movie where I have to have a son and it's a chubby kid, my mother is always like, 'You were never like that.' She gets so upset about it.
I love when they show the really gay prisoner in prison shows. He's the cutest inside but you know on the street he would be the ugliest.
I've had soccer moms come up and tell me they can relate when I say that I want to throw my baby in the trash.
An 83-year-old male prostitute was arrested. Police say he only charged $20 an hour, but for most of that time, he just talked about his grandkids.
I had a porn star in the audience the other night, and she really doesn’t like performing sex scenes. She says, “I fake my orgasms. I can’t wait for this to get off me. And all I can think about is getting paid and having dinner later.” I said, “Wow! I’m married to a porn star!”
I wanted to cut down on the profanity, because I think I'm funnier without sayin' a lot of cuss words.
I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness stand. "Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you, God?" "Yes, you're ugly. See that women in the jury? I'd really like to sleep with her. Should I keep going or are you going to ask me questions?"