Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 213
Sometimes I can do a pretty clean show, since I perform at churches all the time. And sometimes I might use a "damn" or "shit" that comes out. But there's nothing that's vulgar or disrespectful. It's all good and it's all still funny, though. And I don't care what color the crowd is - black, white, Asian, whoever. It don't matter. Funny's funny and I'm gonna get them to laugh.
I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.
We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath without hurting their feelings. "Well, I'm bored. Let's go brush our teeth." Or, "I've got to make a phone call. Hold this gum in your mouth."
You just need an opportunity and then you yourself have to do a good job, and then you hope that people go, 'Oh yeah, I forgot about her.'
Is world peace possible or is the human race too innately aggressive? For instance: Have you ever seen women at a sample sale?
I love when they show the really gay prisoner in prison shows. He's the cutest inside but you know on the street he would be the ugliest.
Middle names are kind of like vice presidents: It's a fine distinction and certainly an honor, but you're never not aware that someone else got the real job.
I bullshit on the phone all day with a variety of people discussing various projects, and occasionally write jokes.
Latinos outnumber Black people now. I’m not too happy about it. Because it’s only a matter of time before we lose our month. Soon as they figure it out, they’re going to have Latino History Month. All we’re going to have is Cinco de Negro.
If you say 'why not?,' that applies to everything: 'Why don't I jump off a mountain, wearing just a towel, and see if I make it? Why not?'
My son's always showing me pictures of dinosaurs and asking me what their names are. I dont know so I make stuff up: That son is a thesaurus.
When I started, you didn't make a lot of money by being a comedian. You didn't get a lot of respect.