Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 213

18,873 quotes

Twitter and Facebook and MySpace; all that stuff makes you warped. We've all basically given ourselves data entry jobs. I've actually heard people say things like, “Aw shit, I have to update my Twitter.” Really? You have to? That's a big priority for you?

Shine. Do. Become. Repeat.

I think the funniest stuff comes from the heaviest stuff.

Last week I gave Dean Martin a cigarette lighter. He finished it in one gulp.

I really think it's crazy that we hit our kids. It really is. Here's the crazy part about it. Kids are the only people in the world that you're allowed to hit. Do you realize that? They're the most vulnerable and they're the most destroyed by being hit, but it's totally OK to hit them. And they're the only ones! If you hit a dog, they fucking will put you in jail for that shit.

Whenever she uses the phrase "I was thinking...," that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.

If you look at a group of people that had faith, it's got to be the Jews. They followed Moses through the desert for 40 years with no map. There had to be one guy in the back, like, "I don't think he knows where he's going."

Maybe it's instinctual to be monogamous; but if you know you are going to fuck her sister, maybe you should not be monogamous right yet.

So it took me five years because in the interim I have been doing a lot of personal appearances and movies and some television series that went into the plumbing and I stopped writing for a while.

I live in New York where in my neighborhood, a lot of dudes have handlebar mustaches. <br /> Which is cool if you want to have a handlebar mustache, but don’t try to have a conversation with me like you don’t have a handlebar mustache. <br /> Try to talk about regular stuff like music and politics? Nah dude if you got a handlebar mustache, all I want to hear you talk about is slinkys and kazoos and that’s it. <br /> Talk about kazoos for a few minutes then you hop on your unicycle and juggle you carnival-faced motherfucker.

As much as Metallica rocked, they always had these song names... ‘The Thing That Shouldn’t Be’. ‘The Chair That Wasn’t There’, you know?

It’s better to play to the host as though in a real conversation and let the audience listen in- which they are.

To women, we are like big dogs that talk.

We have toasters in this country... and they lie to us! Because it has numbers from one to six and it lies to us!

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.