Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 213

I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either side. "Would you like anything else with the pastrami sandwich?" "Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people!"

This movie will actually increase the sex life of parents everywhere because they can put this on, with the 45 minutes of extras and they've got almost two hours to do whatever they've got to do while the kids watch the movie.

I used to do drugs, but that was way back there.

We lost my grandmother recently. No, she didn't die - we lost her. She actually shrunk to the point we can't find her anymore. It's so sad 'cause we know she's still in the house, she's just not visible to the naked eye.

On a quick side note, I would argue that - much like Samuel L. Jackson - I am not arrogant at all; I'm just actually really, really great.

My mum is in a mental hospital. There's a fine line between genius and insanity. Winston Churchill, Mozart, John Lennon. These people all had a touch of crazy that fuelled their brilliance. They were not locked up for it like my mum. Pft. Then again, Winston Churchill never tried to kill my dad.

We ask for way too much stuff - way too much stuff. You got a job making $100 a year and bought a house for $3 million. Talking about, 'I don't know what happened with the payment.'

Their cousin got in a fight and they put him in jail. I had to go get him out. He came walking out going, 'Hey, man, I tried to call you on the cellphone.' I said, 'You don't have a cellphone.' He goes, 'I mean, the phone by the cell.'

Why can't a heterosexual guy tell a heterosexual guy that he thinks his booty is fly?

Because when the Creator of matter, tell you you matter, then you have a purpose and then you have self-esteem.

Man says to his wife: ‘Pack your bags, I’ve won the pools.’ She says: ‘What should I pack? Something light, something warm? Where are we going?’ He says: ‘We’re going nowhere. Just pack your bags and fuck off.’

Because it's uncensored cable, I think we'll be able to do the kind of sketch comedy that really hasn't been seen before. We can actually finish jokes.

I've been blessed to have a long career.

You're taught as a child, when an old person says something to you, you don't talk back. But now I am an adult, I let their ass have it, you hear me? I'm in church Sunday; I spot this old lady. I said, 'Hey ma'am, how you doing?' She said, 'Hey baby, how big you goin' get?' I said, 'How old you goin' get?' She got mad, 'You fat ass,' 'You old bitch - we're in church now!'

Now I have new stories and I feel refreshed. There is talk of Bobby's World eventually coming back. I would be happy to do that.