Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 216
I sang a song at my sister's wedding. My mother forced me into that, too. But that one felt all right.
My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.
The wussification of America is killing us by teaching us to censor ourselves from what we believe. That’s why I want to see political correctness die in my lifetime, but first... I want to watch it suffer.
My son's always showing me pictures of dinosaurs and asking me what their names are. I dont know so I make stuff up: That son is a thesaurus.
Other rappers diss me. Say my rhymes are sissy. What, what, what, why, why, why? Be more constructive with your feedback.
An 83-year-old male prostitute was arrested. Police say he only charged $20 an hour, but for most of that time, he just talked about his grandkids.
The worst thing that can happen to a comedian is to do a documentary on your life and you're watching it with an audience and there's not a laugh.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
The difference being that a nerd would wear a D&D shirt because he loves D&D while a hipster would wear a D&D shirt because it’s ridiculous that he is wearing a D&D shirt.
I like bourbon, any other detail beyond that is going to make me seem like a drunk.
I'm getting a hair cut this weekend and I'm gonna tell the guy straight up, "No fuckin' around make my hair shorter than when I came in!"
I once called my mother during a hurricane. She got on the phone and said, "I can't talk to you, Joey, the lines are down."
I went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.