Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 216
This isn’t a bra, it’s body armor. And this isn’t make up, it’s war paint.
The worst thing that can happen to a comedian is to do a documentary on your life and you're watching it with an audience and there's not a laugh.
The Steve Allen Sunday night show had the right to two options after my first performance.
When I see homeless white person I start crying. (cries) What a waste of white skin.
Oh, I know: If you’re fat, let’s not blame you, let’s sue McDonalds! Oh, for cryin’ out loud, hey, if you smoke, not your fault, it’s the tobacco company’s fault! Hey, if you shoot somebody, not your fault, let’s blame the gun industry!
I am in the army and my sergeant said to me, "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning!" To which I replied, "Oh, thank you very much, sir!"
What lazy SOB invented the Clapper? What do I have to invent so I don’t have to get off my lazy butt and go over and flip that light switch. My father had a Clapper 30 years ago - me.
I like bourbon, any other detail beyond that is going to make me seem like a drunk.
I was living under a desk in West Hollywood. It was a closet that I shared with another comic. I was shocked when they called me to come in to try out for the show. The chances of me getting on a TV show and winning it is like one-in-a-million. I had only been doing comedy for six years at that point, so I was basically considered an open mic-er or maybe a feature act once in awhile.
I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.
Personally, I think Jim Henson said it best when he said "Anybody got an aspiren? I think I've got a cold."