Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 216
And what is it they patrol? The Easy Listening section at Sam Goody. You're not going to get to the Josh Groban without going through the Soul Patrol.
My grandmother was born in 1900, and she would regale me with tales I call 'Little House on the Prairie' tales, but they were tales of segregated and racist America growing up in Alabama and Mississippi, where she came from.
Never turn down an opportunity to shout "Fuck them all!" at the top of your voice.
Republicans have become the party of red, white and blue rose colored glasses. By drowning out criticism with USA! USA!, they prevent this country from healing itself where it needs healing, and that is the opposite of Country First.
Homeland security is a problem... Because, it's a good idea, but it's a problem, because the man who runs it is Tom Ridge. And he is someone who has the leadership qualities of... a gerbil. He was a part of coming up with what is the color coding system of security. You know, orange and yellow, and whatever the fuck the others are. OK? And what's stupid about it is they had it color-coded, like we're in fucking elementary school! There's no need for that! Because every time they tell us what the color is, then they have to fucking explain it, so get rid of the fucking color! Simplify it; there should be three levels of security: Jesus Christ, Goddammit, fuck me!
I like bourbon, any other detail beyond that is going to make me seem like a drunk.
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
An 83-year-old male prostitute was arrested. Police say he only charged $20 an hour, but for most of that time, he just talked about his grandkids.
More details coming out about Michael Jackson. It seems his 13-year-old accuser testified before a grand jury that Michael had seven locks on his bedroom door. See, what happened was whenever Michael would install one lock, the kid would grow an inch taller, and he’d have to put in another one, and then another one, and then another one.
They didn't have to describe Jesus to me for me to know he's black. Jesus' first miracle was turning water into wine at a wedding. Now if that ain't black folk, I don't know what is.
The consumer mentality - we like something, what other flavor does it come in? We like that TV show, does it come in a book form? Does it come in a capsule? How about a soup?
You're taught as a child, when an old person says something to you, you don't talk back. But now I am an adult, I let their ass have it, you hear me? I'm in church Sunday; I spot this old lady. I said, 'Hey ma'am, how you doing?' She said, 'Hey baby, how big you goin' get?' I said, 'How old you goin' get?' She got mad, 'You fat ass,' 'You old bitch - we're in church now!'