Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 216
My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.
Because it's uncensored cable, I think we'll be able to do the kind of sketch comedy that really hasn't been seen before. We can actually finish jokes.
We ask for way too much stuff - way too much stuff. You got a job making $100 a year and bought a house for $3 million. Talking about, 'I don't know what happened with the payment.'
You know what offends me? Offended people. In a country with guaranteed rights to freedom of religion, its citizens are constantly trying to make faith in public spheres illegal, I am offended by that contradiction and want to talk about it as a comic.
I've been to Japan, I've been to China, I've been to Africa, I've been to the Middle East, I've been to Europe a little bit. I've never been to South America.
That's not a stereotype - French people reek. French people don't wash their ass. We wash our ass in this country. That should be our logo: 'The United States of America: We wash our ass.'
I don't like to watch golf on television because I can't stand people who whisper.
I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.
I like bourbon, any other detail beyond that is going to make me seem like a drunk.
Oreo, have you been reading my diary? Because this has been a fantasy of mine for some time.
No one is questioning the nobility and honor of these men and women that are serving and what they're doing. No one questions that. Now they're targets and they're not going out, they're just protecting each other and they're in the middle of a civil war. So it's really not fair to have these people, who volunteered their lives to protect our nation under false pretenses, to now be targets.
This isn’t a bra, it’s body armor. And this isn’t make up, it’s war paint.