Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 216
I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.
Watching news showing all the same sex marriages. How long before first same sex divorce?
My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.
This isn’t a bra, it’s body armor. And this isn’t make up, it’s war paint.
That's not a stereotype - French people reek. French people don't wash their ass. We wash our ass in this country. That should be our logo: 'The United States of America: We wash our ass.'
We ask for way too much stuff - way too much stuff. You got a job making $100 a year and bought a house for $3 million. Talking about, 'I don't know what happened with the payment.'
I'm a 7 o'clock act. My people want to go to a show, a dinner and then go home and go to bed.
Republicans have become the party of red, white and blue rose colored glasses. By drowning out criticism with USA! USA!, they prevent this country from healing itself where it needs healing, and that is the opposite of Country First.
I once called my mother during a hurricane. She got on the phone and said, "I can't talk to you, Joey, the lines are down."
Because it's uncensored cable, I think we'll be able to do the kind of sketch comedy that really hasn't been seen before. We can actually finish jokes.
The younger generation is supposed to rage against the machine, not for it. They're supposed to question authority, not question those who question authority.
What lazy SOB invented the Clapper? What do I have to invent so I don’t have to get off my lazy butt and go over and flip that light switch. My father had a Clapper 30 years ago - me.
Common sense dictates the term "hot fudge sundae" has a totally different meaning in prison.