Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 217
I like bourbon, any other detail beyond that is going to make me seem like a drunk.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I was just surprised when my wife told me we were having a baby. I was like, "Wow, that's awesome. You're going to make a great single mom."
I live in New York where in my neighborhood, a lot of dudes have handlebar mustaches. <br /> Which is cool if you want to have a handlebar mustache, but don’t try to have a conversation with me like you don’t have a handlebar mustache. <br /> Try to talk about regular stuff like music and politics? Nah dude if you got a handlebar mustache, all I want to hear you talk about is slinkys and kazoos and that’s it. <br /> Talk about kazoos for a few minutes then you hop on your unicycle and juggle you carnival-faced motherfucker.
I'd walk into the school, smell that institutional smell of the tomato soup, peanut butter, disinfectant, and boys room. Pass the lunchroom, see the familiar lunchroom lady with the white dress and net on her hair. At the end of 50 years of distinguished service the Board of Education gives her a bronze net – with her name on it. It stems from the Board of Education rule to keep her hair out of the food.
We went to lunch and were talking about procrastination and the waitress overheard us and she said, "I have a problem with procrastination, too." I said "Really?... Get my sandwich."
No one is questioning the nobility and honor of these men and women that are serving and what they're doing. No one questions that. Now they're targets and they're not going out, they're just protecting each other and they're in the middle of a civil war. So it's really not fair to have these people, who volunteered their lives to protect our nation under false pretenses, to now be targets.
What a dog I got. I tried to mate her - she wants 50 biscuits.
It is some beautiful women in Atlanta. Well, let me tell you, I don’t, I don’t know what ya’ll doing in the water, oh, you women down here are so fine, you can look at a woman with your girl, she would be like, yeah, you’re right, go ahead. She is gorgeous, do it, that’s it, that’s all you get.
You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. "Snow blower, bottle of whiskey." You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? "Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy."
"Dude, I heard a car!" And I said uh... yeah, the world's full of them. You'll hear lots of them for the rest of your life. If you hear a humpback whale, that's weird. Tell me that shit, then I'll stop.
So I was eating this cereal, and I had all these questions and comments. Luckily there was a number on the box. So I called, and said, ‘I have a question: Is this cereal as delicious as I think it is?' And I have a comment: 'yes'.