Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 217
I went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.
The wussification of America is killing us by teaching us to censor ourselves from what we believe. That’s why I want to see political correctness die in my lifetime, but first... I want to watch it suffer.
This dress exacerbates the genetic betrayal that is my legacy.
I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.
Now I have new stories and I feel refreshed. There is talk of Bobby's World eventually coming back. I would be happy to do that.
Now... just wait a minute. Did I start talking Portuguese up here and not realize it?
Common sense dictates the term "hot fudge sundae" has a totally different meaning in prison.
I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.
What a dog I got. I tried to mate her - she wants 50 biscuits.
The worst thing that can happen to a comedian is to do a documentary on your life and you're watching it with an audience and there's not a laugh.
My mum is in a mental hospital. There's a fine line between genius and insanity. Winston Churchill, Mozart, John Lennon. These people all had a touch of crazy that fuelled their brilliance. They were not locked up for it like my mum. Pft. Then again, Winston Churchill never tried to kill my dad.