Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 217

You know what offends me? Offended people. In a country with guaranteed rights to freedom of religion, its citizens are constantly trying to make faith in public spheres illegal, I am offended by that contradiction and want to talk about it as a comic.

The wussification of America is killing us by teaching us to censor ourselves from what we believe. That’s why I want to see political correctness die in my lifetime, but first... I want to watch it suffer.

Fuck this I'm going to get a pumpkin.

I do have to fly a lot. It's difficult for me, but I'm not angry about it. But I did see on the menu in Logan Airport, Boston, “Potato salad in season.”

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Outside came in '60. The Edge in '61. All three made Gold, but the biggest seller was Inside.

If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.

I'm not making this up - he goes 'Now if your neighbor marries a box turtle, that doesn't affect your everyday life. But that doesn't mean it's right.' I think it's pretty safe to assume that, at one point or another, Senator John Cornyn has thought about making love to a box turtle. I'm sorry, but that's not the first animal you jump to when you're writing that analogy.

For fifteen cents a day you can feed an African, they eat pennies.

The worst thing that can happen to a comedian is to do a documentary on your life and you're watching it with an audience and there's not a laugh.

Let’s not pretend that anyone in here likes Nebraska. Have you ever wondered why theres storm chasers? An hour in Omaha and I’m looking for a tornado to take me any place. Get me the hell out of there, uh, no wonder there all fat it’s so they’ll stay on the ground.

My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.

Now I have new stories and I feel refreshed. There is talk of Bobby's World eventually coming back. I would be happy to do that.

Munch is the guy who says what a lot of people wouldn't dare say.

I was brought up in a whorehouse in Peoria. My mother and father lived there and worked there.