Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 215
This movie will actually increase the sex life of parents everywhere because they can put this on, with the 45 minutes of extras and they've got almost two hours to do whatever they've got to do while the kids watch the movie.
Everybody I know is bizarrely beautifully fucked up in some way.
Oreo, have you been reading my diary? Because this has been a fantasy of mine for some time.
You know what offends me? Offended people. In a country with guaranteed rights to freedom of religion, its citizens are constantly trying to make faith in public spheres illegal, I am offended by that contradiction and want to talk about it as a comic.
I get up and a button falls off, I pick up my briefcase and the handle falls off I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I'm a 7 o'clock act. My people want to go to a show, a dinner and then go home and go to bed.
I wanted to cut down on the profanity, because I think I'm funnier without sayin' a lot of cuss words.
Well, I play Jews and parrots. Parrots are how I've branched out.
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
Because it's uncensored cable, I think we'll be able to do the kind of sketch comedy that really hasn't been seen before. We can actually finish jokes.
A salesman called on my wife the other day and tried to sell her a freezer. "You'll save a fortune on your food bills," he promised. "I can't tell you how much you'll save. It'll be tremendous." Said my wife: "I'm sure you're right, but we're already saving a fortune with our new car by not taking the bus. We're saving a fortune with our new washing machine by not sending out the laundry. We're saving a fortune with our new dishwasher by giving up the maid. The plain truth is that right now we just can't afford to save any more!"
I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.