Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 215
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Start each day out the holy way..with Christ Chex, it's a miracle in a bowl. Just open the box and you hear AHHHHH... and then a lil' angel flies out and says 'good morning, life is beautiful!'
The difference being that a nerd would wear a D&D shirt because he loves D&D while a hipster would wear a D&D shirt because it’s ridiculous that he is wearing a D&D shirt.
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
You know what offends me? Offended people. In a country with guaranteed rights to freedom of religion, its citizens are constantly trying to make faith in public spheres illegal, I am offended by that contradiction and want to talk about it as a comic.
I get up and a button falls off, I pick up my briefcase and the handle falls off I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I wanted to cut down on the profanity, because I think I'm funnier without sayin' a lot of cuss words.
I'm getting a hair cut this weekend and I'm gonna tell the guy straight up, "No fuckin' around make my hair shorter than when I came in!"
Watching news showing all the same sex marriages. How long before first same sex divorce?
Now... just wait a minute. Did I start talking Portuguese up here and not realize it?
My son's always showing me pictures of dinosaurs and asking me what their names are. I dont know so I make stuff up: That son is a thesaurus.
The wussification of America is killing us by teaching us to censor ourselves from what we believe. That’s why I want to see political correctness die in my lifetime, but first... I want to watch it suffer.
This isn’t a bra, it’s body armor. And this isn’t make up, it’s war paint.