Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 215

Oh my God, Kennedy Airport - what a mess - all over you with those dopey security questions. 'Did you receive any gifts from any unknown persons?' Buddy, the last thing I got from an unknown person was in the 80's.

I hated the summer jobs I had when I was a teenager. They were so mundane and repetitious, they deadened my soul. On the bright side, it was good training for this job.

One time I visited my mother and found St. Anthony's statue upside down. I say, 'Mama, why's St. Anthony upside down?' 'He don't answer my novena, he stays that way!'

I think Chappelle set the bar when he came out with his show. To be as great as him or greater you have to push it a little further - as long as there's substance in terms of the material.

When somebody tells you they're not very smart, they're saying exactly the opposite.

You can get tested now for early onset Alzheimer's. Hold on a second, could someone hire a marching band, cause I'm so happy I feel like having a parade. You mean I can find out early if I'm going to die of a super horrible disease that there's no cure for? Well, whoopee!

I like Halloween. It gives you a chance to dress up like something you're not, you know? Like when the Miami Dolphins put on football uniforms.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: "Are your ready?"

When you go through a tunnel - you're going on a train - you go through a tunnel, the tunnel is dark, but you're still going forward. Just remember that. But if you're not going to get up on stage for one night because you're discouraged or something, then the train is going to stop. Everytime you get up on stage, if it's a long tunnel, it's going to take a lot of times of going on stage before things get bright again. You keep going on stage, you go forward. Every night you go on stage.

I'm like a finger in the ass; you don't know if it's going to be the best orgasm of your life or you're just going to shit the bed.

When we started building out here, we knew this was where we were headed. After we built our first one, we realized a lot of our custom homes would have qualified for Built Green. Some of it's the quality of work, some of it's what the market entails for this type of home: It's what the buyers expect.

Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.

I had been vegan for about six months when I went to a taping of Ellen's show. She had heard that I was vegan and was inquiring about it. Lesbians are really known for being animal lovers. Gay women always have so many pets. Besides loving my dogs, I really see animals all on the same plane. And after reading a book like Skinny Bitch or seeing videos from inside a dairy farm or a slaughterhouse, it's really hard to turn back. Because we love animals so much, it's the next logical step.

But seriously I got hit by a car the other day. Yeah, I'm alright, I appreciate the concern. I was going about 8, the care behind me was going about 11. He wasn't getting to 11, he was at 11. But he was behind me so cha-ching! C4, C5, bingo! He gets out of the car about 105 years old. A little cooky in the head. I'm a little tattered. He starts saying things he probably shouldn't at the scene of an accident. Hell buddy, I wasn't even looking. Might want to keep that to yourself.Then he just keeps burying himself. I can't even drive a stick. I don't know which one is the brake. My legs are numb. I been drinking!

What happens is fucking say you can do the joke, but what they're going to do is take your beautiful broth and dump a pillowcase full of flour into it. Then, they say you can still have your broth, but it's not so good anymore, and ultimately it's the people who get the crappy soup because they're worried about the one guy who is allergic to it and not the rest of us.