Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 215

My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.

Maybe he's my good luck charm.

I once called my mother during a hurricane. She got on the phone and said, "I can't talk to you, Joey, the lines are down."

We ask for way too much stuff - way too much stuff. You got a job making $100 a year and bought a house for $3 million. Talking about, 'I don't know what happened with the payment.'

Because it's uncensored cable, I think we'll be able to do the kind of sketch comedy that really hasn't been seen before. We can actually finish jokes.

Dave! Relax! Close your buttcheeks!

I'm thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level.

I don't like to watch golf on television because I can't stand people who whisper.

I was just surprised when my wife told me we were having a baby. I was like, "Wow, that's awesome. You're going to make a great single mom."

I'm a 7 o'clock act. My people want to go to a show, a dinner and then go home and go to bed.

That's not a stereotype - French people reek. French people don't wash their ass. We wash our ass in this country. That should be our logo: 'The United States of America: We wash our ass.'

My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.

Everybody I know is bizarrely beautifully fucked up in some way.

No one is questioning the nobility and honor of these men and women that are serving and what they're doing. No one questions that. Now they're targets and they're not going out, they're just protecting each other and they're in the middle of a civil war. So it's really not fair to have these people, who volunteered their lives to protect our nation under false pretenses, to now be targets.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.